A letter

We’ve been thru a lot.
Thou you may not think so compared to your dramatic relationship with all your boyfriends, but to me, we have.
In your msg, you said something that made me take a long hard look at our friendship.
You always lie to me.
I agree that I have always been lying to you. I hate to lie. But in order to make you feel strong, to give you motivation to move on, I always paint a beautiful picture and lie to you about how pretty the future is, so that you will work towards it.

I decided not to lie anymore. I’ve decided to be bluntly honest. That’s why I decided that I cannot be in your life if you want to build a stronger character. I’ve realised that it was me who caused you to become who you are today. I let you depend on me too much. I would do this and that for you, I would come and clear your mess whenever something happens, I will tell you what to do and behave. I will always be there. That’s what I always tell you. As a result, your temper and behaviour became worse. You do things without thinking of consequences more and more. You started to take everything for granted. I take it all in stride, as I feel that it is your character, and I chose to be your friend, so I chose to accept them.

I realised, if I continue to stay in your life, you will never change. An analogy could be that you are walking on a tightrope, and I am your safety net. Just because you know that there is a safety net beneath, you allow yourself to fall whenever you feel that you can’t take it anymore. Only by removing this safety net will force you to walk thru’ this tight rope without thinking of giving up.

Because of you, I have to make myself to become a bad friend. I define a good friend as one who will be with you when you are down. But now, during your difficult times, I decided to leave. It really hurts, but I believe if I don’t do it now, I may never do it, and we will be trapped in this cycle forever.

I can’t be making decisions for you whenever you dun feel like thinking, can’t tell you what to do or force you to do something forever. You will never be living your own life if I do that. I will be living your life for you based on what I think is correct for you. As a result, you won’t live life with passion since you are not doing the things you want. Leaving your life is my decision. I know that our friendship will never be the same after this decision, and it hurts me so much because you are my most treasured friend. But I sincerely feel that this is the best for you. If there’s no one who will always lie and tell you how beautiful the future is, you may learn to live life facing hurtful truth and emerge stronger. If there’s no one who will make decision for you, you will live life making decision and doing things you yourself personally feel is correct, and will be able to stick and achieve it with passion. If there’s no one doing everything for you, you will learn to be more independent. If I refused to look for you when you are missing, you will show up sooner or later, and everything will not happen.

I can’t deny that I’m extremely disappointed. I’ve waited for your msg for 2 days since Monday. On one hand, I dun dare to msg you in case you are still angry with me since you believe I broke your trust, on the other hand, I was very upset with your behaviour. Nonetheless, I still asked shihui to msg you to at least know where you were. Somehow, I believe you msg me only because shihui told you how upset I was. I dun dare to ask shihui as I was scare that I’ll be proved correct. Ever since then, I’ve been waiting for you to msg me till now. If you have me in your heart, as a friend you are concerned with, you would have attemped to contact me. It hurts and disappoints me. Maybe you are angry with me for ignoring you, if you chose to react in this manner, then I guess it will be the end of our friendship. You asked me once what anyone can do to make me forgive this person. I’ve told you only sincerity works, yet I do not see any sincerity from you. Maybe I’m just a convenient person who’s always available whenever you want someone. In this case, I hope another convenient person will fill the space I left. But I hope this time round, you will not take this person for granted.

I sincerely hope you will understand and realised many many things after this event. I’ve bought these books for you, and I hope that with you studious nature, you will pick up and understand more about living a life from them, and as a result, there will be a positive change to your life. Life is never the destination, but the journey. If you want to get to the destination without enjoying the journey, you might as well die now, since everyone’s ultimate destination is death. Love is life, but love is not only limited to love for your boyfriend. Love is also love to family, friends, and most importantly, yourself. Never expects a miracle, cos miracle will never happen. I’ll always pray for you to have angels around you to bring you happiness.

It’s God will and decision on what life happens. I believe everything are in place already, and we have to live using our heart. I really really really wish that life will be good to you, and I really want you to be happy. You will still be the friend I care most for, but sadly, I can’t be there for you anymore. I really yearn for the day, where we can be back together, laughter and happiness and how comfortable we are with each other.

i realli love jon...

it's been a long time... guess bloggin really not for me...
but i'm still trying. like i've been so damn bz for the past few wks.. n luckily, i decide to go online.. n jon is also online.. n it feels good to know that he's at some place with comp that aloows him access to the net. n we r on the same domain.. haha.. n i was so happie to send him a mesage, thou it may not him online... but i believe it's him.. i realli love jon..

It's been a long time...

today is a horrible day.. all things seems to be wrong.. can't get anything done rite.. :(
shoes dissolved.. n to my horror.. it was raining.. i didn't even get to say my prayers for jon correctly.

if life is a story a book, no one will know the ending until we want it to be.. that's my guess..

i think i wana work hard.. n copy my songs in here..