Learning to treasure relationship

Everysince my brother and sis gotten married
I've become more and more unhappy as i feel so lonely.. especially with my mum going for mahjong daily..
as a result, i tried to find love online.. and ended gotten my heart broken twice..
i didnt' know it will be so tough, but good lesson learnt from here, and i know, if time can be rewinded, i will want to start the relationship with them again.. especially with Yazid

i met oliver on 29 aug, and started a relationship with him unknowing that he's a married man and is out to cheat me only.. and i guess, what he only wants is sex with me, and he got it of cos.. but cos of cycling, and my infinite patience, he couldn't get rid of me, and we sorta went all the way till feb, when he finally decided not to continue and started ignoring me.. in oct, nov, dec and jan inititated to end the relationship, but he refused. But from feb, since CNY, he stopped talking to me except for a good morning daily.. which i find it meaningless.. and finally in Apr, we ended..
He is my ideal guy.. very smart, confidence, i love his body size, and amazingly, his uncle looks. I love how loud and full of life he is, and how nice he hugged me previously. I feel proud standing besides him, knowing that i meant something to him.. unfortunately, we have nothing to talk about as he refused to tell me his personal life and how can we continue a relationship when our conversation only revolves around cycling?

in late april when i parted way with oliver and was badly hurt, yazid came along..
was so happy to find someone that share the same birthday as me. Due to louis, i felt guys born on 15 Jun are great people. i was attracted with how confident, comfortable he look when he fetched me at my place. how he placed his head on his palm while he drives, and how he doesn't want to give me his real name as he is a malay cos he doesn't looks like one at all
i always wonder, at which point of our first date did he decided that he wanted to bring me home and have sex with me.. what did i do to let him think that i was willing to do so? why did i accept his invite to his place at 1plus am in the middle of the night? why did i trust him that much? and why did i agree to it finally?
i also wonder, at which point did he had feelings for me that he constantly has me in his thots, and ask for my company every other night?
and thruout this short 1.5 mths.. was he just going thru a rough patch with his gf? or did he still have a gf then? The fact that he was evasive with his personal number and details, and that there's that pink phone on his tv console always made me wonder.. and that time at bugis, he took a photo of such a cute quote, who did he want to send it too? all these facts made me insecure being with him, and that was why i held back.. and the fact that he didn't want to spend our birthday together?  doesn't all these points to the fact that he wasn't being serious with me?
but i learn a very good lesson too. i sincercely believe at one point of time, he was genuinely attracted to me and want to be with me.. but i failed to treasure it, and put myself on a pedestral, thinking that if he likes me, he will come and look for me.. and as a results.. he felt sian and just simply ignored me.. or maybe, after i gave him the sound dock, he realised that i really fell for him, and thus he wanted out since he never wanted to be serious with me? I dunno.. i dun think i will get these questions answered..

but it's true, the more i date, the clearer i know what i want.. so will have to have faith, and just carry on with my life, to remind myself to treasure relationship, which is somehing that i obviously don't cos i am always too nonchalent and have this super inferior complex thinking that i shouldn't be bothering people.. so moving forward, if i like someone, i'll just tell them so. and if anyone is nice to me, i'll learn how to treasure them. I will learn how to love myself more, and to be more selfish, not to think too much for others, cos they also dun bother thinking for me too.

I pray for God to give me strength.

痛 痛 痛
真的好喜欢你
不得不放手了。。
祝你永远幸福, 天天开心,快乐。。
能与你在一起的女生, 真的好幸福, 好羡慕她

for regina

sad, is the only word i can describe my current feeling.
we started off as friends, and along the years, you've become more and more impt, and i always feel that we have some chemistry.
I have always been very grateful to find a friend like you. if there's a term to describe how I feel about you, it will be soulmate.
I am sad cos of my actions, we have drifted apart. I am sad cos I always forget to behave myself, to be careful with the way I speak, and the things I speak, and ended up offending you. It was never intended. Similarly, I cannot deny that I have become more selfish, such that, I am no longer the person I used to be when we started our friendship.
You're one of the person I treasure most, and I have always been used to taking you for granted.
I have always say, I have to accept the person as wholesale if I wanna to be friends with the person. I shouldnt only demand anyone to change for me. I have to accept that you have grown to be easily offended by my actions, thots and behaviour, and is no longer tolerant with me. I have to be more careful with the way i talk and my thots, so that I will not offend you. I am very sad about it, cos it means that I will always have to be on my toes whenever you are around. Everything I've ever done and has offended you are never ever intended. never. i will not do anything that i know will make you angry. many times, i've tried to push my luck and made you angry.

Love will make you wanna change for the better.
I will change, cos i value this friendship, eventhou i know deep in my heart, that we are no longer close. that I have stopped to listen to you talk, and enjoy ur company cos you always listen to me talk. that we have stop sharing our joy, problems and everything in our lives. We are hanging out together out of convenience, habit, and environment, rather than that we enjoy each other company.
I promise, that I will change.
I will talk less, and listen more. I will pay attention to your words, and not forget them. I will not talk unnecesarily, and cause you to be angry. I will not rush you, cos time is not as impt as you. I will not talk brainlessly. I will listen to what you say. I will always be around, and not to be selfish anymore. I will learn to treasure you and not to say things that are brainless and make you angry. I will not talk bad about anyone you considered friend cos you do not like it. it's my fault, I forgotten.
All these years during xmas, I will write you a card to ask for forgiveness. i have never dare to confront you with all your unhappiness you have towards me, and rather, i chose to avoid the problem, cos I am afraid that it will worsen our friendship. Cos you value your pride over everything. Many times, i wanted to bring it up, but, i dun dare to. i rather be unhappy with making your angry at me, than to do anything to further damage our friendship.
Sindy Lye.. pls rem all these. promises you make to yourself, cos you've decided that this friend is so valuable to you. Her loyalty, her presence, her easy goingness, her support, her willingness to do things, her love for us, where she always place us as priority. And how she stood by me, giving me assurance that she's there whenever I am at my lowest. I am grateful that I found such a friend. I will treasure this friendship. i still yearn to and pray that we will continue to create more laughter, more milestones, more happy memories during this lifetime.

It is both a happy and sad day today.
Again, for dunno what reason, love kwangsoo so much!
Haha, went to his first fan,ever today... But sadly, failed to do the high five and hug him. I am so sad. But at least, I have seen him. N I am so so so so happie.
He is really someone I just wanna bring home like a pet. So adorable, sweet, humble and cute.
Thank for for giving me a reason to luff daily.
N really hope that he will like the pressie I gave him too.
It is time to focus back on my life. I am glad that I have reached the desired savings I want. Am thinking of doing up myself physically again.
Went to see the dr for the the breast, unfortunately, can't get it reduced.
But as yl said, I have nvr lose weight before. Can I try and slim down, and logically, I will become smaller. So can I do it pls, for myself.
It is aug.. Can I pls reach 55 then?
Can I just reduce my food intake and increase my intake of good food. Can I just eat much lesser, and only eat half of whatever is given to me? Can I just take healthy things?
Doing a med exam for myself- where I am now.
Cont with my yoga- moving towards where I wanna be
Eating lesser and healthier. Saying no to unhealthy food.. Veggie n veggie.
I really wanna become slimmer. Really.. So that I will become more confident. I am alr 31 moving to 32. I feel so scared.. Cos with the idols that I like becoming younger than me, I realized I do not have much yrs left. I wanna grab hold of the remaining yrs of whatsoever little youth I have. And the best way is to take care of myself. ESP now that I have money, but there is no youth and energy. Looking at kjk, being healthy n taking care of oneself is so good.
Can I eat wholemeal daily, and just fruits veggie and fish? Just fruits for dinner?

Cut down on processed food?
I really want to become 48kg when I visit Seoul next year.
Eat at regular hours?

Putting on a mask on the days that I m dng yoga?
I will stop putting heavy makeup and opt for simple one. I dun like the look of myself with heavy makeup. I look so old n intimidating.

After yoga tmr, I shall buy a wholemeal bread and have that for breakfast. With plain water.
Lunch is fish soup
Dinner is fruits
Can I cont on with this for one whole week, and see the effects? Can I stop thinking to myself that I will not have energy?
Can I just preserve on pls?
For kwangsoo, so that I will look completely different next year, n can start buying new clothes. Become like mic.. A totally different person.
Cut off the belly fat. The leg and the arms.
What I feed will grow. Remember this.

I have been unhappy for many many days..
In fact, might been many weeks.
So when did everything start?

I was in a good mood then, when my mum shouted at me, for leaving the charger on after olugging out my phone, and after that, it was cos the shorts drawer is in a mess, and just because it is at the side of my cupboard, my mum naturally assumed it's me who made the mess again. And I blew it. And thus the cold war started. That must have at least been more than 1 mth ago, when my sis decided to bake cake, and thus, made my mum unhappy. Cos she'll be the one who will be cleaning up all the mess she has created.
I realised, it's harder and harder to patch up and be close with my mum whenever we have a quarrel now. I tend to be very unhappy, and it lasts a very long time.

And daily, I feel the stress from my friend, the one I'm closest with. Treading on thin ice, without daring to speak my mind fearing that's will spoil the friendship again. I know that I am selfish and insensitive, and deliberately ignore or take advantage of others if I want things to be done my way.but yet, I also go all the way out for pple when I think it's justified and necessary to do so. I just dun care how pple view me, and dun bother to do the correct things. But when such an impt friend can't stand my way more and more, to the fact that I have to be very careful, I really feel very upset... And the saddest thing is, I still dunno how to raise this subject to face it. And I always refuse to say anything negative abt anyone, ESP those I care, and I'm finding it harder and harder not to raise this subject to other pple, to fend my air, and to hear others opinions. I am so tired and sad...

I am sad, cos at work, I just do not know why. From being in palace that I used to love so much, to being in a place where I feel that I'm a total outcast. I feel so scare at my workplace, knowing that shall I tread wrongly, no one, will support me and stand by my side. No one will fight for me, and everyone will be happy that I'm leaving. I feel so sad. I used to have a lot of respect for the pple I wads working with, and I realised that everything is fake. Whatever concern shown previously, it seems that it's only cos I was the flavour of the day. I dun dare to speak much to pple, dun dare to show affection and concern to other, even when I see that they need help, and I wish that I can give them a pull. I feel so sad. I feel so sad, that I cannot do anything, I feel sad cos all the beautiful images shown when I first joined were all fake. I feel sad cos I have no security there.

It seems, everything is gng against me now. Emotionally.
I'm still blessed, thankful that God shield me away from things that can break me further. Blessed, cos God send me with clients this year, so that I know there's financial security. Blessed, cos I still have friends, who affirm me for who I am.

I really, truly believe that I am a good person, someone with integrity, and a sense of what is rite, and what is wrong, someone who really think long term, and know that many things are all 过雨云烟, and thus, need not waste time and effort on. I really believe that I am a good friend, cos I will always be there, when help is really. I just dun like to do things for the sake of doing.

God, I pray to you, to pull me out from this, I've been twirling around emotionally, feeling really really unhappie. I pray that you will pull me out from all these.
God, I pray you will send someone to accompany me, I really really wish to have a shoulder to lean on, to tell me that everything is okay, and he will be there for me, and with me, no matter how lonely I feel. God. I pray.

An unhappie day! 逃离是非地

好讨厌复杂与是非的生活。 向往简单，与世无争的日子。
Surround myself with love everyday. Avoid the negatives. Keep to a small Circle, dun care too much, and ignore all matters ya? Great mind discuss ideas, average, events, and small mind, people. When I enetered finexis abt 4-5 yrs ago, all I have in mind is to help pple to plan. It hurts not to have a financial plan in place. I've never though of becoming rich in this career, just earning enough, and enjoy the things I love doing. That's all.

真不明白事情为何会变成这样。。 别跟太多人走得太轻近吧。 Just concentrate on doing what I love, and loving what I do. Heard a story today that happened to a person. 惋惜吧，having a family, with kids doesn't matters. A person will just change. Nothing last forever, not even with ur partner and child's love. It doesn't matter if one is married, divorce will still happen if the heart's no longer there. Thus, I have no faith in an lawful union.

还是同样的一句话，开心就走在一起，不开心就分吧。 既来之则安之 我　爛命一條　走在路上　影子在地上 像　我的慌張　黏在腳下　抓著我不放 我不懂　我不是這樣　我不該這樣 額頭流下的汗　又流進眼眶 為什麼　要給我　一顆跳動的心臟 卻忘了　給我飛翔的翅膀 每天我活在這多無聊的地方 多麼　想要　流浪 為什麼要給我　一顆跳動的心臟 又把我　丟在這寂寞戰場 這世界有多大我就有多徬徨 有沒有一點希望　讓我去闖　天涯海角　讓我去闖 把　我的靈魂　裝進紙箱　寄送到天堂 那　雲端的光　會不會是　希望的形狀 每一天　來了又走了匆忙的太陽 感覺自己蒸發　慢慢從這個　世界上 為什麼　要給我　一顆跳動的心臟 卻忘了　給我飛翔的翅膀 每天我活在這多無聊的地方 多麼　想要　流浪 為什麼要給我　一顆跳動的心臟 又把我　丟在這寂寞戰場 這世界有多大我就有多徬徨 有沒有一點希望　讓我去闖　天涯海角　讓我去闖

9 July 2012- Morning

今天是9 jul 2012. Ytd night, or rather this morning, is the first time that I dreamt of my dad since that dream.. That dream that completely changed my life, and caused me to carry my guilt for life, and/or beyond.. I dreamt that daddy was eating a meal with us, as a whole family.. I was so happie that I cried in my sleep.. semiconscious, with tears in my eyes..  Thank God, thank you so much for giving me this reunion meal.. Even thou we didn't really eat, I recall that all of us were seated in this round table, and daddy was seated on my left hand side. All of us are grown up, as per current's look, and mum looks as now. But daddy looks young, just like the looks in the photos, in that brown shirt, with the brown 喇叭裤。And with thick hair, and brown skin.. Heaven is really for real, pple do not age in heaven.  God, thanks for granting this wish to me, thank you for knowing that I always want the family to sit down tog to have a meal. Thanks for letting my unknown wish come true.. I love u..

爱、深、痛

突然间，看着你的Facebook,看着你留下的 comments, 看着你与别人的 interaction, 感觉与你很遥远。 我们始终是两个平行线，属于两个完全不同世界的人。你，是那么的友善，那么的爱与人接触，身边永远都少不了朋友。好朋友，新朋友，各种国际的朋友，以后的 CEO，ministers, headliners etc.. 而我，却是一个不爱交朋友，没信心与人交谈，不爱为了chat for the sake of chatting 的人。
我们怎么能够有一天能够走在一起呢？ 而你知道吗，我喜欢你的就是那份充满活力，那个笑容灿烂的你。 看到你笑，总让我觉得世界上是没有烦恼的。 我总能陶醉你那滔滔不绝的话题中。 我真的好喜欢你。而我真的是一个很执着的人，我永远都会将自己心爱的人，事，物与梦想抓得很紧的。就快要迈向单恋你的第5年了，从26岁，一直到了30岁的我。 是该放下了吧。 希望，我不会再为你而流泪了，希望，我不会再把你当成我失败的借口了。 希望，我不会因你，也害你在被大家嘲笑与作弄了。我真的不知道为什么会那么的喜欢你，真的，喜欢一个人是没有原因的。真的不知道我是不会爱，还是太懂爱了。
The seed was planted at Sandy's first concert, the KTV where you bought 2 bottles of evian for me, the gathering at orchard where we spent time alone chatting, and you giving me attention that touched me, the church musical which a letdown, lee hom's concert, all the farewell and welcome back gatherings for you, Sandy's concert again, and of cos, the Vietnam getaway.. Which eventually made me decide to let you know that I like you, and how I have to pretend to be nonchanlent thereafter, 每时每刻，都深深的刻在我的心深处。希望我能在这次的concert将一切放下了。
From the bottom of my heart, I wish that you will find the person of ur dreams, to accompany you for the rest of ur life, for everything in ur life to be smooth sailing, to be able to smile as happily, as heartily just like everyday in ur life, for angels to surround you daily, and to give you every reason to to feel blessed. 希望这次真的能够放得下你。
Loving you every day of my remaining life..

梁静茹 - 别再为他流泪


你走了太久一定很累
他错了不该你来面对
离开他就好 就算了
心情很干脆

他其实没有那么绝对
远一点你就看出真伪
离开他不等于你的世界会崩溃
转个弯你还能飞

就别再为他流泪
别再让他操控你的伤悲
就算有一点愚昧 一点点后悔
也不要太狼狈
他不值得你的泪
把那遗憾留在大雨的街
你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追
以后为自己醉

每段感情都非常珍贵
他的好你就放在心扉
记得有个人曾让你 那样的心醉

你笑了照亮夜幕的黑
什么梦都不比你的美
多少年以后想起他还有些体会
那些你已无所谓

就别再为他流泪
别再让他操控你的伤悲
就算有一点愚昧 一点点后悔
也不要太狼狈
他不值得你的泪
把那遗憾留在大雨的街
你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追
以后为自己醉

就别再为他流泪
别再让他操控你的伤悲
就算有一点愚昧 一点点后悔
也不要太狼狈
他不值得你的泪
把那遗憾留在大雨的街
你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追
以后管他是谁

Rip Granny..

Everything has ended..
Hope that all the feuds and unhappiness will cease from now on..
Wish that you will have a better life in ur next round.
我一直以为你会活到一百岁。
从没想过有一天你也会离开我们。
希望你会得到安宁。
别担心，jimmy长大了，很懂事，他会照顾阿姨的。
安息吧。

Masking sorrow..

痛

难道我唯一的本事是做 administrative job only?

where's my value?
i'm so stupid.. i feel so lousy..

好想拍张全家福。。

刚看了facebook。。 看到了一个colleague post 的全家福。。 好羡慕她。。 可以introduce her family members to the world..

很想哭，但是没时间哭。。

我真的真的好累。。 心情真的很不好。。
can i just hide somewhere? can someone help me to finish doing everything that i need to do?

心情超烂！！！

It's been a really long time since I wrote here eversince I started on my new careerJust met up with this girl, which made me teared during the session.It'm really sad for her, and look up to her for her courage in facing life.During this period of time, when I kept questioning myself why did I come into this industry, God decided to send another angel to show me the direction. But why do I feel so lathagic still? Is it really due to PMS?I wonder..Just receive a sms from someone who's really important to me, telling me not to pin too much hope on her.. the situation went from before joining this industry, always telling her to save up for the future, to helping her invest her first fund, to meeting her first agent with her, to mting her for my first practice session, to mting her for a real fact finding session, always, with the intention to do my best for her, cos she's so close to me that whatever happens to her, there will always be repercussion effects to me too. Before going to Aussie, wasn't able to mt her due to time constraints. After that, asked her to come down and sign the papers cos it was Li Suo Dang Rang that I'll do all her planning for her, since she spends alot, and secondly, I have the access to all the instruments for her, and most importantly, our trust level should be that high that she should know, whatever I gotten for her is definately the best for her. Until recently, I have to keep calling her to meet me, until she starts dropping hints that she'll need to consider whatever I show her, till I have to feel like a product peddler that I'm selling something to her, and finally today, this msg telling me that not to pin too much hopes on her.. Does she really thinks that she's my target? Does she really feels that i want to sell her something? Does she really wants to pre-empt me that she no longer believes what I'm doing is not the best for her, and I'm just trying to sell her something that she needs to go back and do her own research, do her own calculation to decide if it suits her or not? I'm really disappointed. I've always thought our friendship is very strong, and it went thru a rigourous test before. I've always tell my colleagues here that I've got alot of faith in my closest friends and it doesn't matter if they can see the logic in whatever I've gave them, cos our trust level is high enough for me to just tell them to sign on the paper cos they know it's the best for them despite them not knowing it at all. Sadly, it didn't materialise. I'm really disappointed..

Where I came from..

hey.. dun be alarmed.. wrote this piece many years ago, came across it while clearing my laptop today.. so thot of putting it here..

================
My dad passed away when I was in primary 6. I still recall that day, I actually dreamt of him falling down, and we receiving the call from the hospital, informing us that he was hospitalised. I dreamt the exact scene, and was scared awake.

I remembered, after waking up, I was lying on the floor, imaging what life would be like if my dad were to pass away. I remembered a few scenarios that I imagined. One was that I have to be the heroine, where I got to quit school and start working to support the family, as all along, my mum was a housewife, whereas my elder sister excels in her study, and my younger brother was only 9 years old then. While imaging and playing these scenarios in my mind, my dad walked past me to the door to go out to work. He and my mum were standing at the door, and I remembered him, telling my mum that he had just bought a new pair of shoes and left. I had the opportunity to stop him, I had the opportunity to tell him that I had that dream whereby that was the last time I will see him standing up, but all I thought was, that was just a dream.. and I didn't stop him.

Fast forward to 9 am that day. The call came. My mum picked up the call, and I was at the exact same place where I saw myself in the dream, playing with my dolls. Someone informed my mum that my dad fell, and was admitted to TTSH. Immediately, we took a cab to the hospital. I remembered seeing him lying on the bed, helplessly, looking at us, and the doctor or nurse was telling and giving my mum what my dad wore and brought with him that day. Vaguely, I can still recall seeing the coins, and his Seiko watch in the ziplock bag. That was also the last time I saw him conscious.

The following day, my dad was admitted into the ICU. The fall was never serious, it was just a slip, but at my dad age that time, it was serious. I remembered the daily trips to the hospital vaguely, that we have to change buses to TTSH. The daily wait outside ICU. The nurses telling my mum that my brother and I were too young to enter the ICU. But they still let us in most of the time, as they knew that time was not on my dad side. I also remembered how my auntie and cousins would accompany my mum outside the ICU, making really un-nice remarks that still scar my heart even till today. I also remembered, once, after school, I had to bring my brother to the hospital, I grabbed a branch of money from the drawer, I was really scared that I would not have enough money to pay the cab fare, and that I was clutching the money so tight in my fist. And I remembered clearly, on 26th August 1994, my mum went to the hairdresser downstairs to cut her hair, as at that time, according to my aunties, my mum will have to wait a very long time to cut her hair again if she doesn’t cut it soon. Me, my sister, and brother were sitting in front of the TV watching the Chinese drama, San Mian Xia Wa. At around 3.15pm, the first call came. One of us picked up the phone, and was told that my dad was in critical condition. We were panicking. 3 young children not knowing what to do. By the time we gathered our wits and wanted to rush downstairs to look for our mama, the second call came and informed us that my dad has passed away at 3.30. At that point of time, generally, I didn't have much reaction. I really couldn’t recall what I feel that time. I only remembered us rushing down, and bumped into my mum when she was coming back up, and we rushing to the hospital together.

I recalled being inside the room in the ICU, where my dad was in for the past 5 days, the place where I remembered me sitting at his left side, always touching his little finger, asking him to awake from his sleep/coma, my dad was lying so peacefully in that room. I was and still am my dad favorite child. I resemblance him the most, and everyone said, whenever I'm near him, he will seems to have a reaction, some stirring of the eyeballs, some attempt to move the lips, or returning my touch on the finger. But he never woke up. I couldn't recall my last word, or conversation with him.

Inside the room, I was trying to act cool, I didn't even cry. And when someone asked us if we should inform other relatives to the hospital, I was the one who volunteered to call them. I stepped out of the ICU, thinking that I'm some damsel in distress, and that the other people outside the ICU would look at me in awe, as I'm the one who knows someone inside that ICU, and that someone has passed away. Holding my head tall, I used the public phone right outside, and called my relatives. Some guy came to approach me. I thought that it was some reporter, or maybe even better, some talent scouts who wanted to recruit me to be some celebrity as they are amazed by my ability to hold my emotion... I had a very vivid imagination then. Unfortunately, at least to me at that time, it was someone from a casket company. In fact, more than one of them approached me.

Fast forward again. The same day, at the void deck of my house, we were setting up the tents for the funeral. Many neighbors came to offer the condolences. Many, many things happened. The dissembling of my dad’s bed, the covering of the altar with red papers, the many many many people walking in and out of our flat, patting our heads, the three of us, holding onto each other, moving from the void decks to the flat and back to the void decks. Some relatives taught my sister and I how to fold ingots using paper money, and we folded bags and bags of it. The embalmer did a good job. I recalled, in the middle of the night, standing besides the casket, and whispering words and words to my dad. I really can't recall much on the funeral, but many many relatives told me that I looked really happy during those few days, as I was receiving a lot of attention.

The final day of the funeral. I didn't cry. I couldn't bring myself to cry when they were carrying my dad's casket out. Many of my relatives were saying that I was unfilial. The truth is, maybe, at that time, I didn't know a death is perpetual. I didn't know that no one is going to return my father to me. When they gave me the grass attire to wear, I realized that my shoes doesn't match, i started crying, and arguing. I'm having all the attention from my relatives and the people I don't know on the street. I wanted to look my best. How can they give me something that doesn't match! I still remembered this clearly. I started crying then. And people around me starting thinking, finally this girl has feelings and emotion. In fact, the truth is, I really really didn't cry during the funeral for my dad.

I also remembered, my brother, who’s the only son, was supposed to carry the most important tool for the funeral when following the hearse, but he was only 9 then. Just like me, he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on at all too. Remembered that some relatives decided, my sis should carry that tool, and a switch was made. And while recalling now, I realized that I do not remembered what went on at the crematorium at all. I recall the building, and I know that I did witness my dad being cremated, but I just cannot remember anything that went on in that building.

One incident I remembered clearly was, my PSLE for Chinese paper fell on the same day of the 49th day after my dád death. I was given permission to leave the exam early so that I can join in the ritual that must be held before 12 noon. And I remembered many classmates were asking me why did I need to wear a piece of cloth at the side of my sleeve. I guess, at that age, none of us understand the significance of a death.

Fast forward again. 10 year has past. Both me and my sister are alumus of NUS, while my brother is in NTU now. My mum has retired, and we are all leading a comfortable life now. Looking back, I do not know how we came to survive those years. We didn't have much relatives to depend on, as in the first place, my family was not even considered middle class, and that most of them do not have any good impression about us cos we were so poor. Most believed at that time, that my sister, though clever, could never make it to Uni as we were poor. All believed that I will end up being lead astray as I was already extremely rebellious at that time and was poor in my studies. Not too sure about my brother. As I mentioned, my mum has always been a housewife, so how can she support the family?

My dad, being a taxi driver, doesn't have much savings or even CPF. How did we survive? No, I didn't quit school. Luckily for us, some organizations gave us monthly handouts, a church near punggol park gave us rice and daily necessities every month, and we would often walk from our flat to there to take the stuffs, and sometime, in order to save $, we lugged the heavy items and walked back home. My sis's school also did a fund raising for her and she need to go on stage to thanks the school publicly. My mum became my school's canteen cleaner through the kind help of my secondary school principal, and she worked at MacDonald’s on weekend, and as a banquet waitress whenever she can, and a seamstress when she’s back home. We scrimped and saved, ate leftovers from the canteen stall holders who were kind enough to give it to my mum and showed her a lot of attitude thereafter, but there’s nothing we can do, beggars can never be chooser. And there was a period of time, at around 5 pm everyday, the grocery store would throw away its expired or left over breads and cakes, and my mum would then go downstairs to pick up those food while a snobbish neighbor would view from her window snubbing our desperation. I received $25 pocket money from the school, and an extra 200 as my mum’s salary from the school, and also, were often ridiculed, criticized and snubbed by that financial assistance teacher in charge. I started doing holiday job that year, at my sis school bookshop, and I still am grateful to the bookshop boss, for being so generous and kind to employ a 12 year old girl, who doesn’t know what’s going on, who doesn’t know how to count, who doesn’t know a lot of things to help him out during the holiday period so that she can earn some money to help up the family. And I remembered working at this wholesaler during my sec one and two holidays, where I helped to carry boxes of canned products, made pickled green chili and did a lot of packing and everything else. My two solid muscles on my upper forearm were trained then and I guess, it’ll always stay there since it was developed during my growing up years. My resilience and mental strength were accelerated then too I guess. Sadly, very sadly, due to all these, and the fact that my mum was often not at home, the three of us started quarrelling with each other often, since there wasn’t any adults to supervise us. And as a result, we grew further and further apart during our growing up years, where we can go without speaking to each other for years. Luckily my relationship with my brother has very recently turned much better, while unfortunately, both my brother and mine relationship with my sis went south. And the many many years of hard work took a huge toll on my mum’s health and body, such that she has become rather hunched, limps when she walk and lost an eyeball.. I guess, all these memories and repercussions will stay with me and us, till the day it's our turn to die.

If my dad is still alive, he would be 75 this year. My sis is only 28. I think we would have alot of difficulties looking after him if he’s still alive now.. So, I have wondered this many many times, where would I be now if I asked my dad to stay behind on 21 August 1994? Would I live as comfortable a life now? Is it a blessing in disguise after all?

I guess I'm really lucky too. As I’ve said, I'm my dad favorite child. I was 12 when he passed away. Unlike my sis, who has more memories of him and should be more attached to him, or my bro, who has almost no memories of him anymore, I was not too attached to him, nor do I have only few selected memories of him. I know that all 3 of us treasure any photos we took with our dad zealously cos there’s really not much at all. My brother just recently got the Seiko watch that my dad left behind repaired so that he can continue wearing my dad's watch. I guess he really wants to always remember him.

disappointment galore

i went burstingly, overwhealmingly with confidence.. n to my surprise.. i couldn't even make it past round 1! y? y? y?
M i realli that bad?
they seems so nice, n i'm realli realli sincerce in joining them.. was there annipoint that i failed? all i can remember is that i missed the teamwork Q.. n made my mun made a wasted trip..
i'm so disappoointed with myself
what did i do wrong?

When the going get tuff..

it's been a long time since i last wrote here..
happier? mebbe.. but rite now, my emo is just like the weather outside.. heavy rain..
realli sianz.. does the problem lies with mi? or izzit that they're realli hard to get along? y issit that i can't be close to my family members?
y issit that i'm always the one to be scold? to make sacrifices? to be the one giving
to be the one always in the wrong?
I had thot, for this yr resolution, to forge closer ties with my sis n bro..
sadly.. it seems to be going the opposite direction instead.
shi wo chou ma?
cos i'm hankering after her $?
but i feel that it's myself who's helping u to earn the $. i feel it's a waste to put the $ there w/o earning annithing. i help u invest, n onli get 10%.. izzit my fault?
u go overseas, u ask mi what i want.. so i said what i want lah
it's not as if die die wana u to buy it for mi..
all i wanted to was to make conversation.
all i wanted is just some fun conversation. n i got scolded again. i'm not obliged to buy annithing for u.. of cos u're not obliged. do u have to retort so fiercely?
izzit because that i was too ncie last year? izzit that i must revert back to my fierce self so that u'll be scare of me that you will dun dare to scold mi? izzit that no quarrel or hurting words will arise if we stop talking to each other?
and than, after that, everything will become my fault again. cos i refused to speak, refused to reply, ignore her existence completely. i'm tired. everytime i open my shell, i got hurt. n i'm scolded for not opening my shell. for being proud. for being arrogent. izzit my fault that i'm not a bad tempered person? izzit my fault for not scolding u as n when i'm please? izzit my fault that i just keep quiet whenever i see u doing something that i dun like?
i can't even ask u to be verbally nicer to me. cos u dun care. so mani times that i've asked you to not scold me. so mani times that i've shamelessly ask u to apologise to me for hurting me. it always end with a I don't care. why are you still thinking abt something that happened so long ago? why r u so petty?
y? you ask mi? cos i'm always the one being hurt. cos i'm always the party who's being verbally abused, not you. will you still remember when you scold someone? no rite. But will you remember when someone scold you? of cos. n i'm the one who'e always being scold by you. I'm realli realli veri tired.
undeniably, i know u r a good sister. u take veri good care of us, and is good to us. that's y i hate it more. does it means that cos of the sacrifices u had done for us, means that i need to bear with your verbal assult and ever changing and bad temper for the rest of my life? if so, just take my life. how i wish i can save up a sum of $ n throw it back at you and cut you OFF, COMPLETELY AWAY from my life.
do u know how tired i am? i can't speak the truth in front of u, i can't be honest. i must and can only say how good u look, make suggestion of what to do. If i dare to say annithing teeny enny -ve thing abt u. i get a scolding. if u can't say anithing good, might as well dun say. i'm just tired. if we can't be honest in what we're saying, y bother saying annithing?
u're my sister, in no way would i want to jib at annithing inperfect abt u. of cos i like to compete with u. in terms of annithing. but whatever i've said, highlight abt ur inperfectness, were either made in jest, like teasing; otherwise, in a +ve tone, always meant to highlight the issue to u so that improvements can be made. but y, y issit that i'm always scold just cos i'm honest?
i've already learnt, learn not to dwell on those stuffs already. learnt to keep quite even when i see sth bad abt u. rather u to let u live in ur -ve things than bring them up. learnt how to speak selectively, onli talking abt the good things i can see.
yet, just one simple sentence, and i'm scold again.
i'm tired of being scolded again. tired of this, tired of that. tired of life. frankly speaking, to be perfectly honest, if there's ever a next life, i'll pray with all my might that our path will never cross again.

Besides using you for my admin purposes.. guess i must learn how to blog down what i wana say too.
a year has passed again. i always hate the yr of dog.. nothing good ever came out of it. 24 yrs ago.. i was born, 12 yrs ago, my dad was taken away, this yr, i made a humoungous mistake by changing mr job. i think i must be stupid. i thot by changing.. i will learn more, n become more motivated to work, learn more things n value add myself. i really thot so.. but nvr did i realise i end up doing something i dislike w/o getting any incentives. at least in the past, i enjoy what i was doing, abide having a low work status, the incentive was more than enough to cover what i like.. i realli regret what i chose.. at least i enjoyed good pay + shift allowances.. n the weekday off to bring mummy out.. now.. i dun have anni.. stupid mi. i hate it hate it hate it..

what i normally say.. anything that had happen has happened.. if u do not like where u r now.. have to look for solutions.. either by going back to status quo.. or to change it..
so looking into ways to change it.. but dunno how long i'll procrastinate.. hatemyself..