Increasing my knowledge on investment.. How?
I love reading.. What shd I be reading up on?
How do I get my knowledge?
Our preferred way of capital allocation
Cornerstone of our investment philosophy is to maximise the risk adjusted returns for our client,
All risk taken are intentional, and are explained to client.
Expected to be compensated with the risk taken.
1) diversification
- are not correlated
2) minimise the influence of fear n greed
3) look at the big pic and think long term
4) we eat our own cooking
- sounds convicted
Throw them a scenarios
- if in the next 30 yrs, you see epidemics, wars, market crashes, will you invest?
2007, I have the best bonus, STI 3,800
2009, I was working hard to save my bonus. Largest outflow.
If client wish to construct the same pf of different funds in same asset class, eg resources
If pf increase by 25%
If pf decrease by 25%
What will you do?
3 steps in pf construction
1) Inter
2) Intra
3) Fund selection
Bonds
Focus more on income than appreciation
Equities
Allocated base on GDP of the country
Sharing by Kenneth Goh
Do you have clients come up to u and tell u that I have put my money w u for the past 3 yrs n it's not making money?
What is one quality we must have when we sell to the client?
Enthusiasm
how do we get enthusiasm?
Knowledge
Instead of being the problem
do I have the solution?
When market is down,
Do I not do anything, or I
I have 2 plans in this climate- we can do all bonds, but we can do bonds, and get income, or we can buy it cheap. This will depends on ur risk profile, horizon and future stream of income.
Philip sharing
Gathering money
This is one of the best time if my time is abt 3-10 yrs away
Make an effort to see my client
I chg u a wrap, I will work hard for my money
I should see my client.
It doesnt means that client lost money, they wouldnt put more.
Long term, discipline and continue to invest
Networth summary for my client
Update status and update portfolio
Have to be discipline. Have to invest when mkt is down.
Matter is not to invest or not, but what to invest in now.
Showing posts with label Pensieve. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pensieve. Show all posts
Friday, August 24, 2012
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
God really loves me very much
When I decided to join this career..
I told myself, I wana get my CFP by 30.. I achieved it..
I told myself, I wana sponsor a child by 30.. I achieved it..
I told myself, I wana walk into a person house, and the parents will bring out their polices and ask me on my opinions on them, and help them with their insurance planning.. I achieved it.
I told myself, I wana join the company as a staff and to immerse myself into financial planning know how.. I achieved it, and realized I'm not suitable for it..
I told myself, I want to help as many pple as possible, cos it's hard on the family members if one doesn't properly plan for their finances.. I achieved it..
For many years, I've been telling myself, I need to slim down.. I finally achieved it.. Even my closest friends are telling me I look the best at my current stage.. I achieved it..
For many years, my entire family has been in a mess because of my grandma, and we finally receive the peace we've been yearning for so long this year..
For the past 4 years of my life, I've been thinking, breathing, liking Mr Sim in secret, wanting to know if the feeling is mutual, but had never dare to let him know about my feelings towards him, and this year, I finally achieved it..
For my entire life, I've only like or idolise pple, and never know what it's like to be with an equal, someone whom I'm attracted to not because of his intellect or physical appearance, but simply because I feel comfortable with being myself when i'm with this person, and always wonder if I'll ever meet such a person, And this year, I achieve it too..
但是，现在的我真的好不开心，因为找不到我要往哪走。 已经徘徊了一年，但还是没有找到答案。 已经荒废了一年。 天天都在问自己，我到底在做什么，我到底要的是什么？我找不到答案。 一直以来，都是为了别人而活，都是为了不能对不起别人对我的期望而努力的去平播。在现阶段的我，没办法往前走，因为我不知道要往哪走，因为我不知道要为谁走，因为我满足于现状，因为我害怕人们的眼光。
I told myself, I wana get my CFP by 30.. I achieved it..
I told myself, I wana sponsor a child by 30.. I achieved it..
I told myself, I wana walk into a person house, and the parents will bring out their polices and ask me on my opinions on them, and help them with their insurance planning.. I achieved it.
I told myself, I wana join the company as a staff and to immerse myself into financial planning know how.. I achieved it, and realized I'm not suitable for it..
I told myself, I want to help as many pple as possible, cos it's hard on the family members if one doesn't properly plan for their finances.. I achieved it..
For many years, I've been telling myself, I need to slim down.. I finally achieved it.. Even my closest friends are telling me I look the best at my current stage.. I achieved it..
For many years, my entire family has been in a mess because of my grandma, and we finally receive the peace we've been yearning for so long this year..
For the past 4 years of my life, I've been thinking, breathing, liking Mr Sim in secret, wanting to know if the feeling is mutual, but had never dare to let him know about my feelings towards him, and this year, I finally achieved it..
For my entire life, I've only like or idolise pple, and never know what it's like to be with an equal, someone whom I'm attracted to not because of his intellect or physical appearance, but simply because I feel comfortable with being myself when i'm with this person, and always wonder if I'll ever meet such a person, And this year, I achieve it too..
但是，现在的我真的好不开心，因为找不到我要往哪走。 已经徘徊了一年，但还是没有找到答案。 已经荒废了一年。 天天都在问自己，我到底在做什么，我到底要的是什么？我找不到答案。 一直以来，都是为了别人而活，都是为了不能对不起别人对我的期望而努力的去平播。在现阶段的我，没办法往前走，因为我不知道要往哪走，因为我不知道要为谁走，因为我满足于现状，因为我害怕人们的眼光。
Friday, March 04, 2011
5 Words to change one's prespective
An excerpt from
The 100/0 Principle
by by Al Ritter
What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.
Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.
The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.
• STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.
• STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.
• STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait.
• STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.
At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.
Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!
Principle Paradox
This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.
The 100/0 Principle
by by Al Ritter
What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.
Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.
The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.
• STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.
• STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.
• STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait.
• STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.
At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.
Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!
Principle Paradox
This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I couldn't keep my balance
Liss, listen to me, "Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living balanced life."
In the end i came to believe in something called the "Physics of the Quest".
A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this. If you're brave enought to leave behind everything familiar and comforting which can be anything from you house to bitter, old resentments and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you prepared most of all and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself then the truth will not be withheld from you.
Now I understand why this show is call Eat, Pray, Love.. It's sequential!
In the end i came to believe in something called the "Physics of the Quest".
A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this. If you're brave enought to leave behind everything familiar and comforting which can be anything from you house to bitter, old resentments and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you prepared most of all and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself then the truth will not be withheld from you.
Now I understand why this show is call Eat, Pray, Love.. It's sequential!
Even smile in Liver! =)
Pple in Bali understand, in order to stay happy, they must always know where you are every moment. Right here is perfect balance. Right at meeting of heaven and earth. Not too much God, not too much selfish. Otherwise, life too crazy, you lose balance, you lose power. In morning, you do meditation from India. Serious, very serious. In day, you enjoy Bali. Then in Afternoon, come see me. End of day, you do new meditation, very simple. Sit in silence and smile. Smile with face, smile with mind, even smile in liver.
See you later, alligator!
See you later, alligator!
Eat Pray Love
But a friend took me to the most amazing place the other day, it's call the Augusteum. Octavian Ausgustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came, they trashed it alone with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor how could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world, as fas as he was concerned, would be in ruins?
It's one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome, the city has grown up around it over centuries. It feels like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good.
We all want things to stay the same, settle for living in misery because we are afraid of change, of things crumling to ruins. Then I looked around in this place, at the chaos it has endured, the way it's been adapted, burned, pillaged then found a way to build itself back up again, and I was reassured.
Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic. It's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.
Ruin is a gift, ruin is the route to transformation.
Even in this eternal city, the Augusteum showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation.
It's one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome, the city has grown up around it over centuries. It feels like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good.
We all want things to stay the same, settle for living in misery because we are afraid of change, of things crumling to ruins. Then I looked around in this place, at the chaos it has endured, the way it's been adapted, burned, pillaged then found a way to build itself back up again, and I was reassured.
Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic. It's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.
Ruin is a gift, ruin is the route to transformation.
Even in this eternal city, the Augusteum showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Jan 16
First day of my new life as a FC again..
How does it feels like?
Liberated? happy? scared? I've got no idea..
Cos was too looking forward to having my own 24 hours..
It will still take some time to take use to not checking my watch and hp for the time.. cos knowing that no one in this world is expecting me at all..
No one... mebbe except for Mr Sim.. will know whether if I'm dead or alive in the coming 10 days.. It feels great!
Mr Sim's apartment looks good, really envy him for staying there.. and here i am, thinking where i need to go when it's only 10.30 in the morning...
So what happened ytd?
after seeing him at the airport, he brought me back to his place and we nua there for about 2 hours before he brought me around to explore the place..
i'm so proud of myself.. having figured out how to navigate my way around his place..
and thereafter, when we reached his place and the security guard was asking him if i'm his gf/ wife, all he replied was friend... yup.. i'm nothing more but a friend to him... he'll always be a very precious friend to me..
been thinking about this recently.. Never marry the one you can live with, marry the one you cannot live without.. I'm not sure if i can live with him..
can I live without him? I know he's impt enoff to me that I have not been considering annione else for the past few years.. everytime someone comes close, i'll start displaying his pictures or claims that I'm attached.. (which is the truth cos i'm really emotionally attached to him very much..) but still, i do not dare let him know about it and dun wish to move on.. stuck in this limbo for the past 3 plus years.. i'm crazy le...so can I live without him? i know i will still remain alive should he, one day, be no longer on earth.. I'm not sure if i will open up on my BGR part if this happens, or will i 守活寡 from then on until he becomes a distant memory..
Dear Tze Vin,
I only know that you are very very very important to me.. I am very thankful for the day that you stepped into my life.. I can still remember the day that i first saw you. I really hope that one day, i can become someone who's part of your life. you're the best thing that've ever happen to me..
Dear God..
I pray that this feeling will be reciprocate one day.
How does it feels like?
Liberated? happy? scared? I've got no idea..
Cos was too looking forward to having my own 24 hours..
It will still take some time to take use to not checking my watch and hp for the time.. cos knowing that no one in this world is expecting me at all..
No one... mebbe except for Mr Sim.. will know whether if I'm dead or alive in the coming 10 days.. It feels great!
Mr Sim's apartment looks good, really envy him for staying there.. and here i am, thinking where i need to go when it's only 10.30 in the morning...
So what happened ytd?
after seeing him at the airport, he brought me back to his place and we nua there for about 2 hours before he brought me around to explore the place..
i'm so proud of myself.. having figured out how to navigate my way around his place..
and thereafter, when we reached his place and the security guard was asking him if i'm his gf/ wife, all he replied was friend... yup.. i'm nothing more but a friend to him... he'll always be a very precious friend to me..
been thinking about this recently.. Never marry the one you can live with, marry the one you cannot live without.. I'm not sure if i can live with him..
can I live without him? I know he's impt enoff to me that I have not been considering annione else for the past few years.. everytime someone comes close, i'll start displaying his pictures or claims that I'm attached.. (which is the truth cos i'm really emotionally attached to him very much..) but still, i do not dare let him know about it and dun wish to move on.. stuck in this limbo for the past 3 plus years.. i'm crazy le...so can I live without him? i know i will still remain alive should he, one day, be no longer on earth.. I'm not sure if i will open up on my BGR part if this happens, or will i 守活寡 from then on until he becomes a distant memory..
Dear Tze Vin,
I only know that you are very very very important to me.. I am very thankful for the day that you stepped into my life.. I can still remember the day that i first saw you. I really hope that one day, i can become someone who's part of your life. you're the best thing that've ever happen to me..
Dear God..
I pray that this feeling will be reciprocate one day.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Honesty
REGRETS OF THE DYINGby Teo Sheng Ee on Wednesday, 22 September 2010 at 18:42
By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness
By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
How Far?
The nest of young eagles hung on every word as the Master Eagle described his exploits. This was an important day for the eaglets. They were preparing for their first solo flight from the nest. It was the confidence builder many of them needed to fulfill their destiny.
"How far can I travel?" asked one of the eaglets.
"How far can you see?" responded the Master Eagle.
"How high can I fly?" quizzed the young eaglet.
"How far can you stretch your wings?" asked the old eagle.
"How long can I fly?" the eaglet persisted.
"How far is the horizon?" the mentor rebounded.
"How much should I dream?" asked the eaglet.
"How much can you dream?" smiled the older, wiser eagle.
"How much can I achieve?" the young eagle continued."
How much can you believe?" the old eagle challenged.
Frustrated by the banter, the young eagle demanded, "Why don't you answer my questions?"
"I did.""Yes. But you answered them with questions."
"I answered them the best I could."
"But you're the Master Eagle. You're supposed to know everything.
If you can't answer these questions, who can?""You." The old wise eagle reassured."Me? How?" the young eagle was confused."No one can tell you how high to fly or how much to dream. It's different for each eagle. Only God and you know how far you'll go. No one on this earth knows your potential or what's in your heart. You alone will answer that. The only thing that limits you is the edge of your imagination."
The young eagle puzzled by this asked, "What should I do?"
"Look to the horizon, spread your wings, and fly."
"How far can I travel?" asked one of the eaglets.
"How far can you see?" responded the Master Eagle.
"How high can I fly?" quizzed the young eaglet.
"How far can you stretch your wings?" asked the old eagle.
"How long can I fly?" the eaglet persisted.
"How far is the horizon?" the mentor rebounded.
"How much should I dream?" asked the eaglet.
"How much can you dream?" smiled the older, wiser eagle.
"How much can I achieve?" the young eagle continued."
How much can you believe?" the old eagle challenged.
Frustrated by the banter, the young eagle demanded, "Why don't you answer my questions?"
"I did.""Yes. But you answered them with questions."
"I answered them the best I could."
"But you're the Master Eagle. You're supposed to know everything.
If you can't answer these questions, who can?""You." The old wise eagle reassured."Me? How?" the young eagle was confused."No one can tell you how high to fly or how much to dream. It's different for each eagle. Only God and you know how far you'll go. No one on this earth knows your potential or what's in your heart. You alone will answer that. The only thing that limits you is the edge of your imagination."
The young eagle puzzled by this asked, "What should I do?"
"Look to the horizon, spread your wings, and fly."
Friday, May 29, 2009
好久没pen心情了。。。
half a yr is almost gone..
reaching 27 soon.. going to feel pensive le..
looking at my life.. thus far..
想回了以前， 22岁疯狂迷恋Jon, 当时他才25岁。就这样，咋们也都老了。。
5年就这样过去了。。
Recently, looking at his forum, realised tat he got engaged. He found someone whom he wana spend the rest of his life with already.. veri happie for him, and of cos, some pain went thru my heart for that sligh moment. My growing up fantasy, the person who've changed the way i think and behave, and more significantly, my faith, is building his own family. The guy i wana form family with that time is really moving on le..
5 years already. Season 3 then, and season 8 just ended..
Time really pass fast. 真的好不留情。。
现在的我，也许，最好的形容词应该是幸福吧。took the leap of faith, and here i am, just having celebrated my first year in this career, and on my way towards achieving MDRT hopefully in my second year, no doubt it's under the table, but stil, it's an achievement to me.
I really really love what i'm doing, eventhou now, i'm lying to myself daily, for having not worked for the past 3/4 of the yr. daily, just mting up with pple, having meal with them, talking to them, listenting to their problems and how I can help them.. makes me feel so blessed. Seeing the light in their eyes when i show them the solution, keeps affirming to me that what i'm doing is correct, and recently, decided firmly to myself, i'll put up my litmus test.. that is, i'll plan according to to what i think is rite, and ultimately, asking myself, if it's me, at that situation will i accept this portfolio, considering it's pro and con.. i guess, that 's the best and 最对得起良心的考验了吧。。
最近，真的没心情做工。in fact, 是从年头到现在都没心情做工。。虽然知道这样下去是不对的，但是始终没有那种feeling让我开始拿起那个电话筒拨电话， 那是不对的。。
i love what i'm doing. I know my job is correct, i know that it'll be a matter of time that i'l be in deep shit if i continue to be so slack. when things comes so effortlessly, one become arrogant, and this is the pharse i'm at now. Remembered clearly, 12 years ago, in Sec 3.. also around this period of time.. was asking Mr Tong how to do a paticular Qn, where I offened him and was badly scolded. Thereafter, in order to prove to him that i can do it, i studied like crazy, and gotten the results i want. I keep feeling tat this is what I will face, someone important to me that I look up to, to shout at me to wake up, that this is a life long career, and not a one, two year thingy, and that I can do it, and to wake up from my comfortable position and to realli realli work my ass off to become the best that I can do.. Instead of now.. 活在半梦半醒之间。。
reaching 27 soon.. going to feel pensive le..
looking at my life.. thus far..
想回了以前， 22岁疯狂迷恋Jon, 当时他才25岁。就这样，咋们也都老了。。
5年就这样过去了。。
Recently, looking at his forum, realised tat he got engaged. He found someone whom he wana spend the rest of his life with already.. veri happie for him, and of cos, some pain went thru my heart for that sligh moment. My growing up fantasy, the person who've changed the way i think and behave, and more significantly, my faith, is building his own family. The guy i wana form family with that time is really moving on le..
5 years already. Season 3 then, and season 8 just ended..
Time really pass fast. 真的好不留情。。
现在的我，也许，最好的形容词应该是幸福吧。took the leap of faith, and here i am, just having celebrated my first year in this career, and on my way towards achieving MDRT hopefully in my second year, no doubt it's under the table, but stil, it's an achievement to me.
I really really love what i'm doing, eventhou now, i'm lying to myself daily, for having not worked for the past 3/4 of the yr. daily, just mting up with pple, having meal with them, talking to them, listenting to their problems and how I can help them.. makes me feel so blessed. Seeing the light in their eyes when i show them the solution, keeps affirming to me that what i'm doing is correct, and recently, decided firmly to myself, i'll put up my litmus test.. that is, i'll plan according to to what i think is rite, and ultimately, asking myself, if it's me, at that situation will i accept this portfolio, considering it's pro and con.. i guess, that 's the best and 最对得起良心的考验了吧。。
最近，真的没心情做工。in fact, 是从年头到现在都没心情做工。。虽然知道这样下去是不对的，但是始终没有那种feeling让我开始拿起那个电话筒拨电话， 那是不对的。。
i love what i'm doing. I know my job is correct, i know that it'll be a matter of time that i'l be in deep shit if i continue to be so slack. when things comes so effortlessly, one become arrogant, and this is the pharse i'm at now. Remembered clearly, 12 years ago, in Sec 3.. also around this period of time.. was asking Mr Tong how to do a paticular Qn, where I offened him and was badly scolded. Thereafter, in order to prove to him that i can do it, i studied like crazy, and gotten the results i want. I keep feeling tat this is what I will face, someone important to me that I look up to, to shout at me to wake up, that this is a life long career, and not a one, two year thingy, and that I can do it, and to wake up from my comfortable position and to realli realli work my ass off to become the best that I can do.. Instead of now.. 活在半梦半醒之间。。
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Some Questions to think about...
Was at popular just now while waiting for yiling to buy cards.. so saw this book abt 10 habits of millionaire.. n was trying to take in as much as i can cos dun wana spend $20 buying a 100+ pgs book.. saw these 9 questions that I really wana answer from the bottom of my heart truthfully..
What is the person that I want to be?
Why do I want to become such a person?
How can I become such a person?
What is it that I want to do?
Why do I want to do that?
How can I do that?
What is it that I want to have?
Why do I want to have that?
How can I have what I want?
Going to keep them here first... gonna pen them down after some thoughts i guess..
What is the person that I want to be?
Why do I want to become such a person?
How can I become such a person?
What is it that I want to do?
Why do I want to do that?
How can I do that?
What is it that I want to have?
Why do I want to have that?
How can I have what I want?
Going to keep them here first... gonna pen them down after some thoughts i guess..
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A fruitful lunch..
A fruitful lunch..
Had lunch with a colleague and learnt a lot today.
We started chatting about movies, and was told the storyline for PS, I Love You. Felt that the story was rather inspiring. Gradually, she mentioned that, it seems, marriage is no longer about the person, but the time. She cited this example of her uni crush, whom she just meet up during CNY. This guy was with the correct girl for years, but when the ger wana settle down, he refused, citing that he still doesn’t wana commit and be tied down. Eventually, tired of waiting, the girl left him. And now, this guy is with the wrong girl, yet, as he wana settle down now, to start a family since time is no longer on his side, he persistently request for the wrong girl to get married, even though this girl is not comparable with the right girl.
Started me thinking, and eventually nodding.. Realized that a lot of relationships that I saw developed and withered because of timing. Upon realizing that time is running out, some people will actively pursue the semi right, she may be right, semi wrong, and totally wrong person. But of cos, on hindsight will one know if the person is indeed the right one or not.. But somehow, somehow started thinking, have I ever came across someone who will wait, wait for the correct fit before they plunge into love? Or to get married at the wrong time because the right person has come along? Coincidentally, I read the life of my latest flame, Donnie, ytd nite, and was quite amazed that his wife is the same age as me! Donnie waited for the right person to come along in his life, while building up his career even thou time is not on his side. Meanwhile, his wife, the Ms Toronto Chinese in 2000, decided to marry him when she’s 21 while he’s 39. Both of them found the right person but at wrong timing. But because of love, they persisted and triumphed, and are the proud parents of 2 beautiful kids. I really, really, really envy his wife. Both of them, Chinese descent, because of their far sighted parents, grew up in the right environment, brought up with the right mindset, taught with skills beyond competing in the rat race, learnt how to really live the life as it should be lead. And as a result, both of them are leading this beautiful life which, if given to me, will certainly let me leave life without any regrets.
Working at this place now, looking at the colleagues around the same age as me, those 10, 20, 30 years older than me, those unmarried, married and married with kids, those still striving for their future, those who already reached the future and those that are already stagnant. . I kept asking myself over and over and over again. Will I be like this 10 yrs later? 20 yrs later? 30 yrs later? Will I be over the moon for the fact that I get an office room 10 yrs after my career? Do I want to rub shoulders, to entertain, to find conversation to talk about, to dine with, with so many many people whom I may or may not see next week, whom doesn’t make too much of a difference to me if they die or not the following moment?
Everyone, every single person, since the time they started being conscious about their presence, may have a dream, or at least, have an idea, what they want to do, be it doing something musically/ physically/ mentally/ visually or anything one is inclined to express thru any methods. But as time goes by, 99% of them got mold, molded to a corporate rat, cos that’s the job to enjoy ur life, get a fixed mthly salary, doing something similar daily, having sat n sun off, pursuing the right person or time, leading the politically correct, earning the necessary nods to the rights of life.. in another word, to me, living life non passionately for the sake of pursuing something that is hidden inside them once they’ve saved enough $, once they found the time, once something is achieved. I wonder, shouldn’t one be doing this first, and if it, unfortunately fails, to return back to the anyone-who-doesn’t-mind-living-a-mundane-life job and start licking their wounds? However, instead, one always try to accumulate wealth by trading their time, make lotsa promises about the future but procrastinate, tell themselves that I’ll do this or that once something happens. Shouldn’t one make the thing happen instead of waiting for it to happen? To think about it now, since young, I’ve always always wanted to learn piano, or was inclined to learn music and dancing. Unfortunately, I never dare to pursue it, cos life taken over and the plan got shelved. Luckily, over the years, I made it a point to continually stretch my body, to ensure that my bones will not stiffen, so that one day, I can take up dancing again.
I’m really sick, sick of how sickening life is about. I really yearn, yearn for a life beyond the race, to be immune to conformity, to live life with passion, pursuing the thing that one desire. How I wish I was brought up in a country away from all these, just like Ms Toronto Chinese.. but since it didn’t happen, I must make use of my remaining time, to do things doubly fast, to achieve what I’ve procrastinated for the past 26 yrs of my life..
For this year, my intention, concentrate on becoming a financial advisor, gaining the knowledge to provide information with integrity, to prepare myself to take up the papers to get accredit with the necessary papers next year and to put on my dancing shoes again.
Had lunch with a colleague and learnt a lot today.
We started chatting about movies, and was told the storyline for PS, I Love You. Felt that the story was rather inspiring. Gradually, she mentioned that, it seems, marriage is no longer about the person, but the time. She cited this example of her uni crush, whom she just meet up during CNY. This guy was with the correct girl for years, but when the ger wana settle down, he refused, citing that he still doesn’t wana commit and be tied down. Eventually, tired of waiting, the girl left him. And now, this guy is with the wrong girl, yet, as he wana settle down now, to start a family since time is no longer on his side, he persistently request for the wrong girl to get married, even though this girl is not comparable with the right girl.
Started me thinking, and eventually nodding.. Realized that a lot of relationships that I saw developed and withered because of timing. Upon realizing that time is running out, some people will actively pursue the semi right, she may be right, semi wrong, and totally wrong person. But of cos, on hindsight will one know if the person is indeed the right one or not.. But somehow, somehow started thinking, have I ever came across someone who will wait, wait for the correct fit before they plunge into love? Or to get married at the wrong time because the right person has come along? Coincidentally, I read the life of my latest flame, Donnie, ytd nite, and was quite amazed that his wife is the same age as me! Donnie waited for the right person to come along in his life, while building up his career even thou time is not on his side. Meanwhile, his wife, the Ms Toronto Chinese in 2000, decided to marry him when she’s 21 while he’s 39. Both of them found the right person but at wrong timing. But because of love, they persisted and triumphed, and are the proud parents of 2 beautiful kids. I really, really, really envy his wife. Both of them, Chinese descent, because of their far sighted parents, grew up in the right environment, brought up with the right mindset, taught with skills beyond competing in the rat race, learnt how to really live the life as it should be lead. And as a result, both of them are leading this beautiful life which, if given to me, will certainly let me leave life without any regrets.
Working at this place now, looking at the colleagues around the same age as me, those 10, 20, 30 years older than me, those unmarried, married and married with kids, those still striving for their future, those who already reached the future and those that are already stagnant. . I kept asking myself over and over and over again. Will I be like this 10 yrs later? 20 yrs later? 30 yrs later? Will I be over the moon for the fact that I get an office room 10 yrs after my career? Do I want to rub shoulders, to entertain, to find conversation to talk about, to dine with, with so many many people whom I may or may not see next week, whom doesn’t make too much of a difference to me if they die or not the following moment?
Everyone, every single person, since the time they started being conscious about their presence, may have a dream, or at least, have an idea, what they want to do, be it doing something musically/ physically/ mentally/ visually or anything one is inclined to express thru any methods. But as time goes by, 99% of them got mold, molded to a corporate rat, cos that’s the job to enjoy ur life, get a fixed mthly salary, doing something similar daily, having sat n sun off, pursuing the right person or time, leading the politically correct, earning the necessary nods to the rights of life.. in another word, to me, living life non passionately for the sake of pursuing something that is hidden inside them once they’ve saved enough $, once they found the time, once something is achieved. I wonder, shouldn’t one be doing this first, and if it, unfortunately fails, to return back to the anyone-who-doesn’t-mind-living-a-mundane-life job and start licking their wounds? However, instead, one always try to accumulate wealth by trading their time, make lotsa promises about the future but procrastinate, tell themselves that I’ll do this or that once something happens. Shouldn’t one make the thing happen instead of waiting for it to happen? To think about it now, since young, I’ve always always wanted to learn piano, or was inclined to learn music and dancing. Unfortunately, I never dare to pursue it, cos life taken over and the plan got shelved. Luckily, over the years, I made it a point to continually stretch my body, to ensure that my bones will not stiffen, so that one day, I can take up dancing again.
I’m really sick, sick of how sickening life is about. I really yearn, yearn for a life beyond the race, to be immune to conformity, to live life with passion, pursuing the thing that one desire. How I wish I was brought up in a country away from all these, just like Ms Toronto Chinese.. but since it didn’t happen, I must make use of my remaining time, to do things doubly fast, to achieve what I’ve procrastinated for the past 26 yrs of my life..
For this year, my intention, concentrate on becoming a financial advisor, gaining the knowledge to provide information with integrity, to prepare myself to take up the papers to get accredit with the necessary papers next year and to put on my dancing shoes again.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Where I came from..
hey.. dun be alarmed.. wrote this piece many years ago, came across it while clearing my laptop today.. so thot of putting it here..
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My dad passed away when I was in primary 6. I still recall that day, I actually dreamt of him falling down, and we receiving the call from the hospital, informing us that he was hospitalised. I dreamt the exact scene, and was scared awake.
I remembered, after waking up, I was lying on the floor, imaging what life would be like if my dad were to pass away. I remembered a few scenarios that I imagined. One was that I have to be the heroine, where I got to quit school and start working to support the family, as all along, my mum was a housewife, whereas my elder sister excels in her study, and my younger brother was only 9 years old then. While imaging and playing these scenarios in my mind, my dad walked past me to the door to go out to work. He and my mum were standing at the door, and I remembered him, telling my mum that he had just bought a new pair of shoes and left. I had the opportunity to stop him, I had the opportunity to tell him that I had that dream whereby that was the last time I will see him standing up, but all I thought was, that was just a dream.. and I didn't stop him.
Fast forward to 9 am that day. The call came. My mum picked up the call, and I was at the exact same place where I saw myself in the dream, playing with my dolls. Someone informed my mum that my dad fell, and was admitted to TTSH. Immediately, we took a cab to the hospital. I remembered seeing him lying on the bed, helplessly, looking at us, and the doctor or nurse was telling and giving my mum what my dad wore and brought with him that day. Vaguely, I can still recall seeing the coins, and his Seiko watch in the ziplock bag. That was also the last time I saw him conscious.
The following day, my dad was admitted into the ICU. The fall was never serious, it was just a slip, but at my dad age that time, it was serious. I remembered the daily trips to the hospital vaguely, that we have to change buses to TTSH. The daily wait outside ICU. The nurses telling my mum that my brother and I were too young to enter the ICU. But they still let us in most of the time, as they knew that time was not on my dad side. I also remembered how my auntie and cousins would accompany my mum outside the ICU, making really un-nice remarks that still scar my heart even till today. I also remembered, once, after school, I had to bring my brother to the hospital, I grabbed a branch of money from the drawer, I was really scared that I would not have enough money to pay the cab fare, and that I was clutching the money so tight in my fist. And I remembered clearly, on 26th August 1994, my mum went to the hairdresser downstairs to cut her hair, as at that time, according to my aunties, my mum will have to wait a very long time to cut her hair again if she doesn’t cut it soon. Me, my sister, and brother were sitting in front of the TV watching the Chinese drama, San Mian Xia Wa. At around 3.15pm, the first call came. One of us picked up the phone, and was told that my dad was in critical condition. We were panicking. 3 young children not knowing what to do. By the time we gathered our wits and wanted to rush downstairs to look for our mama, the second call came and informed us that my dad has passed away at 3.30. At that point of time, generally, I didn't have much reaction. I really couldn’t recall what I feel that time. I only remembered us rushing down, and bumped into my mum when she was coming back up, and we rushing to the hospital together.
I recalled being inside the room in the ICU, where my dad was in for the past 5 days, the place where I remembered me sitting at his left side, always touching his little finger, asking him to awake from his sleep/coma, my dad was lying so peacefully in that room. I was and still am my dad favorite child. I resemblance him the most, and everyone said, whenever I'm near him, he will seems to have a reaction, some stirring of the eyeballs, some attempt to move the lips, or returning my touch on the finger. But he never woke up. I couldn't recall my last word, or conversation with him.
Inside the room, I was trying to act cool, I didn't even cry. And when someone asked us if we should inform other relatives to the hospital, I was the one who volunteered to call them. I stepped out of the ICU, thinking that I'm some damsel in distress, and that the other people outside the ICU would look at me in awe, as I'm the one who knows someone inside that ICU, and that someone has passed away. Holding my head tall, I used the public phone right outside, and called my relatives. Some guy came to approach me. I thought that it was some reporter, or maybe even better, some talent scouts who wanted to recruit me to be some celebrity as they are amazed by my ability to hold my emotion... I had a very vivid imagination then. Unfortunately, at least to me at that time, it was someone from a casket company. In fact, more than one of them approached me.
Fast forward again. The same day, at the void deck of my house, we were setting up the tents for the funeral. Many neighbors came to offer the condolences. Many, many things happened. The dissembling of my dad’s bed, the covering of the altar with red papers, the many many many people walking in and out of our flat, patting our heads, the three of us, holding onto each other, moving from the void decks to the flat and back to the void decks. Some relatives taught my sister and I how to fold ingots using paper money, and we folded bags and bags of it. The embalmer did a good job. I recalled, in the middle of the night, standing besides the casket, and whispering words and words to my dad. I really can't recall much on the funeral, but many many relatives told me that I looked really happy during those few days, as I was receiving a lot of attention.
The final day of the funeral. I didn't cry. I couldn't bring myself to cry when they were carrying my dad's casket out. Many of my relatives were saying that I was unfilial. The truth is, maybe, at that time, I didn't know a death is perpetual. I didn't know that no one is going to return my father to me. When they gave me the grass attire to wear, I realized that my shoes doesn't match, i started crying, and arguing. I'm having all the attention from my relatives and the people I don't know on the street. I wanted to look my best. How can they give me something that doesn't match! I still remembered this clearly. I started crying then. And people around me starting thinking, finally this girl has feelings and emotion. In fact, the truth is, I really really didn't cry during the funeral for my dad.
I also remembered, my brother, who’s the only son, was supposed to carry the most important tool for the funeral when following the hearse, but he was only 9 then. Just like me, he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on at all too. Remembered that some relatives decided, my sis should carry that tool, and a switch was made. And while recalling now, I realized that I do not remembered what went on at the crematorium at all. I recall the building, and I know that I did witness my dad being cremated, but I just cannot remember anything that went on in that building.
One incident I remembered clearly was, my PSLE for Chinese paper fell on the same day of the 49th day after my dád death. I was given permission to leave the exam early so that I can join in the ritual that must be held before 12 noon. And I remembered many classmates were asking me why did I need to wear a piece of cloth at the side of my sleeve. I guess, at that age, none of us understand the significance of a death.
Fast forward again. 10 year has past. Both me and my sister are alumus of NUS, while my brother is in NTU now. My mum has retired, and we are all leading a comfortable life now. Looking back, I do not know how we came to survive those years. We didn't have much relatives to depend on, as in the first place, my family was not even considered middle class, and that most of them do not have any good impression about us cos we were so poor. Most believed at that time, that my sister, though clever, could never make it to Uni as we were poor. All believed that I will end up being lead astray as I was already extremely rebellious at that time and was poor in my studies. Not too sure about my brother. As I mentioned, my mum has always been a housewife, so how can she support the family?
My dad, being a taxi driver, doesn't have much savings or even CPF. How did we survive? No, I didn't quit school. Luckily for us, some organizations gave us monthly handouts, a church near punggol park gave us rice and daily necessities every month, and we would often walk from our flat to there to take the stuffs, and sometime, in order to save $, we lugged the heavy items and walked back home. My sis's school also did a fund raising for her and she need to go on stage to thanks the school publicly. My mum became my school's canteen cleaner through the kind help of my secondary school principal, and she worked at MacDonald’s on weekend, and as a banquet waitress whenever she can, and a seamstress when she’s back home. We scrimped and saved, ate leftovers from the canteen stall holders who were kind enough to give it to my mum and showed her a lot of attitude thereafter, but there’s nothing we can do, beggars can never be chooser. And there was a period of time, at around 5 pm everyday, the grocery store would throw away its expired or left over breads and cakes, and my mum would then go downstairs to pick up those food while a snobbish neighbor would view from her window snubbing our desperation. I received $25 pocket money from the school, and an extra 200 as my mum’s salary from the school, and also, were often ridiculed, criticized and snubbed by that financial assistance teacher in charge. I started doing holiday job that year, at my sis school bookshop, and I still am grateful to the bookshop boss, for being so generous and kind to employ a 12 year old girl, who doesn’t know what’s going on, who doesn’t know how to count, who doesn’t know a lot of things to help him out during the holiday period so that she can earn some money to help up the family. And I remembered working at this wholesaler during my sec one and two holidays, where I helped to carry boxes of canned products, made pickled green chili and did a lot of packing and everything else. My two solid muscles on my upper forearm were trained then and I guess, it’ll always stay there since it was developed during my growing up years. My resilience and mental strength were accelerated then too I guess. Sadly, very sadly, due to all these, and the fact that my mum was often not at home, the three of us started quarrelling with each other often, since there wasn’t any adults to supervise us. And as a result, we grew further and further apart during our growing up years, where we can go without speaking to each other for years. Luckily my relationship with my brother has very recently turned much better, while unfortunately, both my brother and mine relationship with my sis went south. And the many many years of hard work took a huge toll on my mum’s health and body, such that she has become rather hunched, limps when she walk and lost an eyeball.. I guess, all these memories and repercussions will stay with me and us, till the day it's our turn to die.
If my dad is still alive, he would be 75 this year. My sis is only 28. I think we would have alot of difficulties looking after him if he’s still alive now.. So, I have wondered this many many times, where would I be now if I asked my dad to stay behind on 21 August 1994? Would I live as comfortable a life now? Is it a blessing in disguise after all?
I guess I'm really lucky too. As I’ve said, I'm my dad favorite child. I was 12 when he passed away. Unlike my sis, who has more memories of him and should be more attached to him, or my bro, who has almost no memories of him anymore, I was not too attached to him, nor do I have only few selected memories of him. I know that all 3 of us treasure any photos we took with our dad zealously cos there’s really not much at all. My brother just recently got the Seiko watch that my dad left behind repaired so that he can continue wearing my dad's watch. I guess he really wants to always remember him.
================
My dad passed away when I was in primary 6. I still recall that day, I actually dreamt of him falling down, and we receiving the call from the hospital, informing us that he was hospitalised. I dreamt the exact scene, and was scared awake.
I remembered, after waking up, I was lying on the floor, imaging what life would be like if my dad were to pass away. I remembered a few scenarios that I imagined. One was that I have to be the heroine, where I got to quit school and start working to support the family, as all along, my mum was a housewife, whereas my elder sister excels in her study, and my younger brother was only 9 years old then. While imaging and playing these scenarios in my mind, my dad walked past me to the door to go out to work. He and my mum were standing at the door, and I remembered him, telling my mum that he had just bought a new pair of shoes and left. I had the opportunity to stop him, I had the opportunity to tell him that I had that dream whereby that was the last time I will see him standing up, but all I thought was, that was just a dream.. and I didn't stop him.
Fast forward to 9 am that day. The call came. My mum picked up the call, and I was at the exact same place where I saw myself in the dream, playing with my dolls. Someone informed my mum that my dad fell, and was admitted to TTSH. Immediately, we took a cab to the hospital. I remembered seeing him lying on the bed, helplessly, looking at us, and the doctor or nurse was telling and giving my mum what my dad wore and brought with him that day. Vaguely, I can still recall seeing the coins, and his Seiko watch in the ziplock bag. That was also the last time I saw him conscious.
The following day, my dad was admitted into the ICU. The fall was never serious, it was just a slip, but at my dad age that time, it was serious. I remembered the daily trips to the hospital vaguely, that we have to change buses to TTSH. The daily wait outside ICU. The nurses telling my mum that my brother and I were too young to enter the ICU. But they still let us in most of the time, as they knew that time was not on my dad side. I also remembered how my auntie and cousins would accompany my mum outside the ICU, making really un-nice remarks that still scar my heart even till today. I also remembered, once, after school, I had to bring my brother to the hospital, I grabbed a branch of money from the drawer, I was really scared that I would not have enough money to pay the cab fare, and that I was clutching the money so tight in my fist. And I remembered clearly, on 26th August 1994, my mum went to the hairdresser downstairs to cut her hair, as at that time, according to my aunties, my mum will have to wait a very long time to cut her hair again if she doesn’t cut it soon. Me, my sister, and brother were sitting in front of the TV watching the Chinese drama, San Mian Xia Wa. At around 3.15pm, the first call came. One of us picked up the phone, and was told that my dad was in critical condition. We were panicking. 3 young children not knowing what to do. By the time we gathered our wits and wanted to rush downstairs to look for our mama, the second call came and informed us that my dad has passed away at 3.30. At that point of time, generally, I didn't have much reaction. I really couldn’t recall what I feel that time. I only remembered us rushing down, and bumped into my mum when she was coming back up, and we rushing to the hospital together.
I recalled being inside the room in the ICU, where my dad was in for the past 5 days, the place where I remembered me sitting at his left side, always touching his little finger, asking him to awake from his sleep/coma, my dad was lying so peacefully in that room. I was and still am my dad favorite child. I resemblance him the most, and everyone said, whenever I'm near him, he will seems to have a reaction, some stirring of the eyeballs, some attempt to move the lips, or returning my touch on the finger. But he never woke up. I couldn't recall my last word, or conversation with him.
Inside the room, I was trying to act cool, I didn't even cry. And when someone asked us if we should inform other relatives to the hospital, I was the one who volunteered to call them. I stepped out of the ICU, thinking that I'm some damsel in distress, and that the other people outside the ICU would look at me in awe, as I'm the one who knows someone inside that ICU, and that someone has passed away. Holding my head tall, I used the public phone right outside, and called my relatives. Some guy came to approach me. I thought that it was some reporter, or maybe even better, some talent scouts who wanted to recruit me to be some celebrity as they are amazed by my ability to hold my emotion... I had a very vivid imagination then. Unfortunately, at least to me at that time, it was someone from a casket company. In fact, more than one of them approached me.
Fast forward again. The same day, at the void deck of my house, we were setting up the tents for the funeral. Many neighbors came to offer the condolences. Many, many things happened. The dissembling of my dad’s bed, the covering of the altar with red papers, the many many many people walking in and out of our flat, patting our heads, the three of us, holding onto each other, moving from the void decks to the flat and back to the void decks. Some relatives taught my sister and I how to fold ingots using paper money, and we folded bags and bags of it. The embalmer did a good job. I recalled, in the middle of the night, standing besides the casket, and whispering words and words to my dad. I really can't recall much on the funeral, but many many relatives told me that I looked really happy during those few days, as I was receiving a lot of attention.
The final day of the funeral. I didn't cry. I couldn't bring myself to cry when they were carrying my dad's casket out. Many of my relatives were saying that I was unfilial. The truth is, maybe, at that time, I didn't know a death is perpetual. I didn't know that no one is going to return my father to me. When they gave me the grass attire to wear, I realized that my shoes doesn't match, i started crying, and arguing. I'm having all the attention from my relatives and the people I don't know on the street. I wanted to look my best. How can they give me something that doesn't match! I still remembered this clearly. I started crying then. And people around me starting thinking, finally this girl has feelings and emotion. In fact, the truth is, I really really didn't cry during the funeral for my dad.
I also remembered, my brother, who’s the only son, was supposed to carry the most important tool for the funeral when following the hearse, but he was only 9 then. Just like me, he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on at all too. Remembered that some relatives decided, my sis should carry that tool, and a switch was made. And while recalling now, I realized that I do not remembered what went on at the crematorium at all. I recall the building, and I know that I did witness my dad being cremated, but I just cannot remember anything that went on in that building.
One incident I remembered clearly was, my PSLE for Chinese paper fell on the same day of the 49th day after my dád death. I was given permission to leave the exam early so that I can join in the ritual that must be held before 12 noon. And I remembered many classmates were asking me why did I need to wear a piece of cloth at the side of my sleeve. I guess, at that age, none of us understand the significance of a death.
Fast forward again. 10 year has past. Both me and my sister are alumus of NUS, while my brother is in NTU now. My mum has retired, and we are all leading a comfortable life now. Looking back, I do not know how we came to survive those years. We didn't have much relatives to depend on, as in the first place, my family was not even considered middle class, and that most of them do not have any good impression about us cos we were so poor. Most believed at that time, that my sister, though clever, could never make it to Uni as we were poor. All believed that I will end up being lead astray as I was already extremely rebellious at that time and was poor in my studies. Not too sure about my brother. As I mentioned, my mum has always been a housewife, so how can she support the family?
My dad, being a taxi driver, doesn't have much savings or even CPF. How did we survive? No, I didn't quit school. Luckily for us, some organizations gave us monthly handouts, a church near punggol park gave us rice and daily necessities every month, and we would often walk from our flat to there to take the stuffs, and sometime, in order to save $, we lugged the heavy items and walked back home. My sis's school also did a fund raising for her and she need to go on stage to thanks the school publicly. My mum became my school's canteen cleaner through the kind help of my secondary school principal, and she worked at MacDonald’s on weekend, and as a banquet waitress whenever she can, and a seamstress when she’s back home. We scrimped and saved, ate leftovers from the canteen stall holders who were kind enough to give it to my mum and showed her a lot of attitude thereafter, but there’s nothing we can do, beggars can never be chooser. And there was a period of time, at around 5 pm everyday, the grocery store would throw away its expired or left over breads and cakes, and my mum would then go downstairs to pick up those food while a snobbish neighbor would view from her window snubbing our desperation. I received $25 pocket money from the school, and an extra 200 as my mum’s salary from the school, and also, were often ridiculed, criticized and snubbed by that financial assistance teacher in charge. I started doing holiday job that year, at my sis school bookshop, and I still am grateful to the bookshop boss, for being so generous and kind to employ a 12 year old girl, who doesn’t know what’s going on, who doesn’t know how to count, who doesn’t know a lot of things to help him out during the holiday period so that she can earn some money to help up the family. And I remembered working at this wholesaler during my sec one and two holidays, where I helped to carry boxes of canned products, made pickled green chili and did a lot of packing and everything else. My two solid muscles on my upper forearm were trained then and I guess, it’ll always stay there since it was developed during my growing up years. My resilience and mental strength were accelerated then too I guess. Sadly, very sadly, due to all these, and the fact that my mum was often not at home, the three of us started quarrelling with each other often, since there wasn’t any adults to supervise us. And as a result, we grew further and further apart during our growing up years, where we can go without speaking to each other for years. Luckily my relationship with my brother has very recently turned much better, while unfortunately, both my brother and mine relationship with my sis went south. And the many many years of hard work took a huge toll on my mum’s health and body, such that she has become rather hunched, limps when she walk and lost an eyeball.. I guess, all these memories and repercussions will stay with me and us, till the day it's our turn to die.
If my dad is still alive, he would be 75 this year. My sis is only 28. I think we would have alot of difficulties looking after him if he’s still alive now.. So, I have wondered this many many times, where would I be now if I asked my dad to stay behind on 21 August 1994? Would I live as comfortable a life now? Is it a blessing in disguise after all?
I guess I'm really lucky too. As I’ve said, I'm my dad favorite child. I was 12 when he passed away. Unlike my sis, who has more memories of him and should be more attached to him, or my bro, who has almost no memories of him anymore, I was not too attached to him, nor do I have only few selected memories of him. I know that all 3 of us treasure any photos we took with our dad zealously cos there’s really not much at all. My brother just recently got the Seiko watch that my dad left behind repaired so that he can continue wearing my dad's watch. I guess he really wants to always remember him.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Dun forget how to be humane
Went for dinner just now, was sharing table with this old granny, whom I guess is at least 80-90.. There she was, eating wafer biscuit that's sold in bulk of around 20-30 in a box that costs only $2+, together with a glass of hot water n milo. And here I was, eating a bowl of pipping hot bak cho mee.. Felt so guilty.. It should be me who should be having the wafers and her having the good meal, i'm still young, and will not feel the effects of having such a simple meal. But dunno what to do.. Dun wana insult her by asking if she wana have a bowl, and i'll treat her to eat, moreover, dun wana mum to scold me for being kaypo n wasting money on someone i dunno. At the same time, kept justifying my (in)actions by teling myself since this granny is indulgant enoff to buy a glass of milo, surely she does have the $ to buy a meal, maybe it's her choice that she just wana have wafer. But just can't shake off the gulitiness feeling..
Wana use this entry, to remind myself, to keep myself humane. At every possible time, opportunity.. to help others..
When I have stable income or am rich enoff, I intend to adopt a child, via world vision, to give them a chance to break away from the poverty cycle.. Also, while sitting there, I got an urge, to start volunteering to take care of the poor elderlys.. I should do so when I have the time. Stable income would be either a job where i can see myself performing it at least for the next 5 yrs.. Rich enoff.. i guess when I have passive income.. n of cos time is when one have less a fixed schedule.
Wana use this entry, to remind myself, to keep myself humane. At every possible time, opportunity.. to help others..
When I have stable income or am rich enoff, I intend to adopt a child, via world vision, to give them a chance to break away from the poverty cycle.. Also, while sitting there, I got an urge, to start volunteering to take care of the poor elderlys.. I should do so when I have the time. Stable income would be either a job where i can see myself performing it at least for the next 5 yrs.. Rich enoff.. i guess when I have passive income.. n of cos time is when one have less a fixed schedule.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
原点
1月1号。。
1个新年的开始。。 2007年1月1号，与好友倒数再在KTV唱个通宵，还记得一开场，就连续唱了3首五月天的歌，high到翻。。and after that, we're still reluctant to return home, walked from orchard party world to PS, 还记得，那时听到了燕姿的一首歌，naturally, 我又作怪了，跑上前问工作人员 why there was a tent set up and what the pple were Qing for at 6 am in the morning. Realised that 人月牌has this tradition to give away their products on the first day of each year annually, and the first 88 pple were entitled to a can of abalone, oyster sauce, rice and some other stuffs amounting to 200+ I think. So I did a quick count and realised that we're still within the top 88.. 作朋友当然要讲义气..haha.. so,就这样,shijia,shihui and yiling 就陪我留下来排队到早上10点。
1个新年的开始。。 2007年1月1号，与好友倒数再在KTV唱个通宵，还记得一开场，就连续唱了3首五月天的歌，high到翻。。and after that, we're still reluctant to return home, walked from orchard party world to PS, 还记得，那时听到了燕姿的一首歌，naturally, 我又作怪了，跑上前问工作人员 why there was a tent set up and what the pple were Qing for at 6 am in the morning. Realised that 人月牌has this tradition to give away their products on the first day of each year annually, and the first 88 pple were entitled to a can of abalone, oyster sauce, rice and some other stuffs amounting to 200+ I think. So I did a quick count and realised that we're still within the top 88.. 作朋友当然要讲义气..haha.. so,就这样,shijia,shihui and yiling 就陪我留下来排队到早上10点。
I still remembered clearly, 那时刚掉入生命中的谷底，因此，开开心心拿了那个package后，跟朋友说，今年有了一个好的开始，所以今年一定会比去年好。
Made some resolution then.. of which which held more importance to me was that to improve my r/s with my sis and bro.. Sadly, my r/s with my sis deteriorated further, mainly due to my resolution to improve the r/s with her, I tried to be nicer to her, to initiated conversation with her, and ended up, being hurt by her verbal abuse again. So stopped speaking to her close to one year.. http://cressen.blogspot.com/2007/01/when-going-get-tuff.html
Another resolution was of cos, to get out from the shit job that i was in.. went for an interview at aberdeen, i was stupidly damn confident of myself, and didn't bother to practise nor prepare myself for the interview, 回想起来 真的觉得我当时所说的某一些话是不对的. I was so disappointed then that I didn't even get thru' to the first round of intervew, cos have always believe, intellectualy, I was pretty sure i'm better than those who went for the interview. Affected me quite badly for a while too.
没多久，came down with food poisoning after eating the expired cheese, 还记得，那时上吐下泄，看了doc 后，回到office, told Tracy that I'll be on halfday MC due to food poisoning, and she told me to return home imm, guess I look really sick then.. Out of the 11 days of MC taken during my 8 months there, this is the only time that I was really sick. 还记得那时，站在cab stand waiting for a cab,差一点以为自己会死掉,was so freaking weak then. by the time I reached home, I was already shivering, and in the end, have to call for an ambulance to send me to the hospital. It was quite dramatic then.. And at the same time, I came to appreciate what I always say, 朋友不需太多，有几个好的最重要。。
一拖再拖，而meanwhile, 又回去了aberdeen for另外两个interviews without success, 终于，在四月份鼓起勇气问mummy if it's okay if I quit without a job, cos i sincerly believe that having no job is much better than making myself fall into further depression. I guess, the change in me during the time working at the hellhole was so obvious that she agreed to let me do so. I still remembered, how happy I was when I submitted the resignation letter to spineless boss. It soon spread, but I was so bloody happy, no longer do I have to take the abuse of all the bastards and bitches. No longer do I need to be at a loss at what to do when no one knows what's going on at all, no longer would I have to face all the shirking of responsibility from one department to another. I can still remember clearly, even on my last day, when I was goin from one dept to another collecting signatures on the signoff form, those pple were still refusing to sign, saying that they don't wana be held responsible if the handover wasn't done properly.. arn't them idiotic? The purpose of signing off is to first chk and ensure that the handover was done properly before u sign on it, yet u are too damn lazy to check, and refused to sign it, claiming that your department is not involved in this. If ur department is not involved, then can't you tell HR to remove ur dept from the signoff paper to prevent future scnarios like this from happening again?!! It was only when I threatened to get the HR person to resolve this did one of the idiot took my paper and sign, while saying aloud to everyone around to witness that she signed only for the purpose of signing and to 打发我走, and not cos she's responsible for this action, and claims that I'll be the last person she'll sign for, and that no one is to direct future tenderees to her to sign the signoff paper. I can only silently say my prayers that I was making the correct decision to quit that hellhole. The only slighly 感慨is that I didn't have a chance to know one of the, imo, cute guy better.... Haha.. and of cos I remember the stunned look on that stupid mgt trainee, pervetic kenneth, when I showed him my daily tasks and told him he should be taking over those tasks after I left.. Haha.. I guess never in a million years would he associate mgt trainee tasks to answering calls, warring with the mostly bastards remisers, checking signature for forms, replying voicemails, and the holy and sacred task of being a bodyguard to the cashier to deposit $ everyday.. hahaha.. 就这样，在5月的某一天离开了地狱。。
One day later, flew to Indonesia with my friends to attend a friend's wedding. 好久没有与好朋友出国了。。was so so happy when we realised that we'll be put up at marriot... 还记得那时诗慧开心到手舞足蹈起来了。。 and have a 专属我们的司机, whom we gave a huge tip at the end of the 3 days。 was so so excited when we played dressing up, really atas style amidst all the Indos' 太太, all looking so pretty and glamy..n most importantly, am really happy that another of my friend found someone she loves n loves her back, someone to take care of her for the rest of her life..好羡慕她。。 a few of my fave photos taken there...
First day.. from airport to hotel..
The Church Wedding
Pretty Glamy Gers
and
are my fave photos..
最后一天。。 rushed thru our shopping, and henny's hubby quickly drove us to the airport.. that toyota wish or honda oydessy or some vehicle around that size managed to pack 8 pple n lotsa luggage and shopping bags.. best thing is thou we rushed there, at check in, realised we're already the last group of passengers to check in.. But Henny said that we can board the plane later than the stated time and asked us to go for coffee before leaving.. In the end, luckily we decided to leave the cafe 5 mins earlier, and bumped into the check in lady who told us that they've paged for us several times and are searching for us to board the plane quickly.. so haha.. in the end, without a proper goodbye to Henny n hubby, we ran non stop into the airplane.. it was super farnie.. and everyone in the plane were looking at us who caused the plane to be late.. those are good memories.. Eversince I came back from Indo, have been wanting to blog down this memory.. But have been procrastinating for the longest time.. so finally finally.. all are down now.. And here's the most meaningful pic of the trip..
After the Indo trip.. haha.. it's another trip to 上海 before i start looking for a job.. another dunno how many days how many nites trip, with all the customary trips to the necessary places.. the only memorable incident was that I traded my atas sunglass..=( bought 3 new glamy looking sunglass, but lost my fave that i got in BKK in SH..
my atas looking sunglasses..
When I came back to reality.. jobless n peniless due to the travel.. have to start making decision.. still remembered, in the earlier part of the yr, while I was still plain unhappie, there was once when yl asked me, so if i'm given a choice, what job would I wana be in? My first ans was a fund mgr.. cos i've always been interested in unit trust, more than stocks. Moreover, I felt that being a fund mgr, I can get to travel to see the comps, to analyse and weigh if they should be included into a fund. And also, I can start on doing the CFA too.. After a while, I realised that maybe, there's another job that I may even want more, but somehow, I can't see myself being one due to various reasons.. That is to become a financial advisor.. I've always believe in financial planning, cos I learnt via the hard way how difficult life can becomes when one is not rich, when one becomes helpless, when one doesn't plan for any contigencies that life might throw us anytime. I would like to have a chance, to advocate the product that I believe in strongly, which is insurance, and the chance to monitor the ups and down, to pick the cream of the corp of the product I love, that is unit trust, and the chance to learn all other aspects of financial planning.. the will writing, estate and tax planning, cpf ruling etc.. fundamentally, to ensure that myself, and the pple around me are protected and are protecting the pple they love by taking sometime to think thru abt all the 'what if' in life... Overtime, this line may be even better than being a fund manager, if one strives and succeeds, the income of both career should be rather comparable.. and thou a financial planner may lack the glam and prestige that a fund mgr may command, at the very least, a financial planner has the time flexibility that a fund mgr will nvr get to enjoy. And time flexibility has always been one of the factor that I strongly favour in looking out for a job.. Alas, I'm scared, am still scared of joining this line, cos the black sheeps have greatly smeared this industry.. cos the stigma of being a financial planner is very presurrising, even myself will siam from any friend who'll call me out from the blue asking me out to talk abt financial planning. How can I see myself doing that too? I've tried to self talk to myself, telling myself that I can chose not to do this, and starts from close friends, the pple around me, I can chose to carry myself with integrity, to not exaggrate, to not blow up figures, to only recommand the suitable products to them, instead of the highest commission one.. But I'm scare that I'll not be able to overcome the temptation and sell my integrity away. I was not able to cross that fence, so althou I was very interested in joining this line, I told myself that it's impossible.
I've played with the idea of going to US, to fulfil my dreams of following Jon to whichever states he's going for his concert. My initial plan was to save 30k by 26, and spent that yr in US to find Jon, so maybe, I can consider pushin this plan forward despite not reaching the amount that I wana to have initially. But of cos, it's impossible, my mum will nvr agree to it, n i always find it hard to carry out any plans without her consent. I'll always end up feeling guilty about making her upset. At the same time, I guess, my passion towards Jon had gradually fade over the past year, althou I'm still grateful to him, I no longer harbour this strong wish to go US, to know him, and somehow find a way to make him fall in love with me and start a family with him.
Around this time, I was also sending my resume out, to all the big banks blindly pursuing a, what I term as 'paper pusher' job. That is looking at papers, looking at data, and doing the same thing day after day after day.. Maybe cos I'm a Gemini, I cannot cannot fathom myself doing this day after day after month after year.. I think I'll go crazy if I do not have interaction with pple in my job.. But however, it is this path that I chose cos it's certainly the most politically correct one. That's what almost everyone who wish for a foreseeable good future would yearn to go in, the stable job, the correct company, the good pay, the fat bonus the almost 铁饭碗till retirement, till death.. The job that will wau my ignorant snobbish relatives, the job that my mum can boast and fluant to everyone, the job that accquiatances will nod their head and will accept u into their circle... Unluckily or luckily, I didn't even manage to get any interviews for those that I've applied directly for. There was only one irritating one man show agency who would just push me to all the sucky posts.. and even told me, u're jobless now, just take any, how can u find work if you're so picky! Thankfully, Cailing gave me how agent's contact who got her all the good jobs.. and I got into UBS for a 2 month contract.. Truthfully, I've got no idea what I wana do at all at that time.. All I wana was to buy more time for me to sort out my thots.
Finally in July, I stepped into UBS and started this temp.. I had a very hard time integrating in. I decided to take reductil consistently and it caused me to feel weak daily, moreover, my dearest jiajia left for aus at that time. When someone so close to you just stop appearing in ur life physically, it just feels loncly, empty and strange. These 2 factors, plus the -ve vibes at work, and being a slow adjuster, I plunged into depression.. Looking back now, on hindsight, july to sept was definately my toughest moments. There were times when I just feel like ending it all, times when I felt damn inferior, times when I just cry out, be it while walking from places to places, or 夜深人静的时候. Luckily, I decided to stop the pills, thankfully, I still have cailing, yl n shihui by my side, esp yl, very thankful that she kept me company on the phone whenever I hide in the toilet during lunch, thankful that she listened to my problems everytime after our yoga, when factually, my molehill is so insignificant compared to her avalanche of problems.
我想，转泪点是当他们要求我extend another 4 mths till the end of the year. Somehow, gave me some confidance and more importantly, forced me to open up to my co workers since I'm gonna face them for a couple more months.. Workwise, I know I won't have a problem, I know what I'm capable of. It's just the EQ part, the mingerling, socialising and networking that's causing me the problems. I hate to socialise. I do not like to expand my social circle, preferring to stick to my comfort zone, where I really feel confident and well like, but put me out of that zone, i'll become an awkward, tongue tied, slow reacting and inferior person. But since I need to stay there for another 5 more mths, I've gotta open myself more, chat more and really really make friends, exchanging thots, gossips, comments and everything else. As time goes by, things gotten better and I'm really grateful, grateful that this stint of 5 mths brought me new friends, 2 new gers that whom I enjoyed their companies and laughter. Grateful that I've learnt to open up and make new friends and I must con't to learn how to stop talking abt me, myself, and instead to remember to focus on other pple and make them the subject of the conversation instead. I've been badly pampered, and on hindsight, I guess these few months are what God have prepared for me so that I can learn all these skills, and more importantly to find back my old self..
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
至沈先生。。
不知道是否喜欢你
就像不懂先有蛋还是鸡
这个耐人寻味的问题
烦的我歇斯底里
不知道是否喜欢你
但你的脸常浮现在我脑海里
有时想对你说声我爱你
却觉得词不达意
不知道是否喜欢你
却爱幻想天天都能看到你
莫非这段日久生了情
还是只想找人爱而已
也许我只想找双专属我的手
能够玄耀也有人要我
跟着潮流交个男朋友
闭上眼睛追逐爱情的形容
==================
always used to thot that I'll love Jon till the end of my life. Used to thot that I'm self sufficient, loner, independent enoff to not want anyone to come into my life.. But maybe, as one ages, one starts to yearn for companionship. Sometimes, friends are not enoff to fill the void.. Over the past few years, always liked Mr Sim for his humour and niceness. and maybe i'm feeling exceptionally lonely gradually, i'm starting to imagine, to slowly shift and change this liking feel to a loving feel. Fortunately or unfortunately, this feeling is not recipocrated. Mr Sim has, on various and numerous occassion, subtlely and strongly hinted that I am just a plain accquataince. Similarly, 我还在探索，思考，我到底是真的对他日久生情，还是只想要找个专属我的手呢? 而他刚好是最好拿来玄耀的那位呢? I really dunno.. but at least.. 觉得给了自己一个交代after completing these lyrics.
就像不懂先有蛋还是鸡
这个耐人寻味的问题
烦的我歇斯底里
不知道是否喜欢你
但你的脸常浮现在我脑海里
有时想对你说声我爱你
却觉得词不达意
不知道是否喜欢你
却爱幻想天天都能看到你
莫非这段日久生了情
还是只想找人爱而已
也许我只想找双专属我的手
能够玄耀也有人要我
跟着潮流交个男朋友
闭上眼睛追逐爱情的形容
==================
always used to thot that I'll love Jon till the end of my life. Used to thot that I'm self sufficient, loner, independent enoff to not want anyone to come into my life.. But maybe, as one ages, one starts to yearn for companionship. Sometimes, friends are not enoff to fill the void.. Over the past few years, always liked Mr Sim for his humour and niceness. and maybe i'm feeling exceptionally lonely gradually, i'm starting to imagine, to slowly shift and change this liking feel to a loving feel. Fortunately or unfortunately, this feeling is not recipocrated. Mr Sim has, on various and numerous occassion, subtlely and strongly hinted that I am just a plain accquataince. Similarly, 我还在探索，思考，我到底是真的对他日久生情，还是只想要找个专属我的手呢? 而他刚好是最好拿来玄耀的那位呢? I really dunno.. but at least.. 觉得给了自己一个交代after completing these lyrics.
Monday, August 13, 2007
林忆莲... It wasn't meant to be.
或许是我们缺少勇气
不敢踏出彼此的安全区
或许是思念情绪美得让人质疑
多可惜我们还是免不了得放弃
It wasn't meant to be
事到如今我只能安慰自己
It wasn't meant to be
事到如今只能说我们无能为力
可是你我心底 清楚明白这份爱若坚持走下去
我们会在一起
遗憾我变得小心翼翼
关于你的话题尽量回避
但难免有人好奇关心起我和你
怕唤起记忆一概回应心想好的一句
It wasn't meant to be
事到如今我只能安慰自己
it wasn't meant to be
事到如今只能说我们无能为力
可是你我心底 清楚明白这份爱当初若坚持走下去
我们会在一起
与你分离说好那天不下雨 我心都快碎了怎么忍住哭泣
It wasn't meant to be事到如今我只能安慰自己
It wasn't meant to be事到如今只能说我们无能为力
可是你我心底 清楚明白这份爱当初若坚持走下去我们会在一起
It wasn't meant to be..
===================
现在的我很喜欢这首歌。觉得他的歌词写的很棒。 而Sandy更是将这首歌的感觉表达出来。很喜欢在路上的时候听这歌， 而听着听着，总会流眼泪。有时是真的被歌曲的意境感动了，而有时， 由其是在前几个星期, 会故意很投入的想象自己曾经有过这样轰轰烈烈的爱情故事，来企图为自己感到可悲， 自讨同情。
这几天想通了。人，都要往前看。 退一步，才能够看到 the big picture, 让自己明白路要往那走。 希望接下来能再爬上那个令我跌的很重的山。。
不敢踏出彼此的安全区
或许是思念情绪美得让人质疑
多可惜我们还是免不了得放弃
It wasn't meant to be
事到如今我只能安慰自己
It wasn't meant to be
事到如今只能说我们无能为力
可是你我心底 清楚明白这份爱若坚持走下去
我们会在一起
遗憾我变得小心翼翼
关于你的话题尽量回避
但难免有人好奇关心起我和你
怕唤起记忆一概回应心想好的一句
It wasn't meant to be
事到如今我只能安慰自己
it wasn't meant to be
事到如今只能说我们无能为力
可是你我心底 清楚明白这份爱当初若坚持走下去
我们会在一起
与你分离说好那天不下雨 我心都快碎了怎么忍住哭泣
It wasn't meant to be事到如今我只能安慰自己
It wasn't meant to be事到如今只能说我们无能为力
可是你我心底 清楚明白这份爱当初若坚持走下去我们会在一起
It wasn't meant to be..
===================
现在的我很喜欢这首歌。觉得他的歌词写的很棒。 而Sandy更是将这首歌的感觉表达出来。很喜欢在路上的时候听这歌， 而听着听着，总会流眼泪。有时是真的被歌曲的意境感动了，而有时， 由其是在前几个星期, 会故意很投入的想象自己曾经有过这样轰轰烈烈的爱情故事，来企图为自己感到可悲， 自讨同情。
这几天想通了。人，都要往前看。 退一步，才能够看到 the big picture, 让自己明白路要往那走。 希望接下来能再爬上那个令我跌的很重的山。。
Saturday, June 16, 2007
祝你我生日快乐...
时间过得好快， 从第一个post 到今天这个以有一年了。 还记得当时开这个部络格是为了留住去年美的回忆。时间不扰人， time and tide waits for no man. 希望在接下来的未来，能够找到自己的方向， 而不是在明年的今天， 又写下另一个entry来感慨失去的时光。 人，没几个25年。 第一个已经过去了，若有这个命活到下一个25 年，希望那时的我，就是有如我现在所幻想的吧。更渴求，盼望的是，在那25 年内，不会失去至亲的人，不会经历任何掉泪的事，而是能够live within conformity 吧。 因为，到那时，我大概已经give up 了吧。
Monday, December 04, 2006
Besides using you for my admin purposes.. guess i must learn how to blog down what i wana say too.
a year has passed again. i always hate the yr of dog.. nothing good ever came out of it. 24 yrs ago.. i was born, 12 yrs ago, my dad was taken away, this yr, i made a humoungous mistake by changing mr job. i think i must be stupid. i thot by changing.. i will learn more, n become more motivated to work, learn more things n value add myself. i really thot so.. but nvr did i realise i end up doing something i dislike w/o getting any incentives. at least in the past, i enjoy what i was doing, abide having a low work status, the incentive was more than enough to cover what i like.. i realli regret what i chose.. at least i enjoyed good pay + shift allowances.. n the weekday off to bring mummy out.. now.. i dun have anni.. stupid mi. i hate it hate it hate it..
what i normally say.. anything that had happen has happened.. if u do not like where u r now.. have to look for solutions.. either by going back to status quo.. or to change it..
so looking into ways to change it.. but dunno how long i'll procrastinate.. hatemyself..
a year has passed again. i always hate the yr of dog.. nothing good ever came out of it. 24 yrs ago.. i was born, 12 yrs ago, my dad was taken away, this yr, i made a humoungous mistake by changing mr job. i think i must be stupid. i thot by changing.. i will learn more, n become more motivated to work, learn more things n value add myself. i really thot so.. but nvr did i realise i end up doing something i dislike w/o getting any incentives. at least in the past, i enjoy what i was doing, abide having a low work status, the incentive was more than enough to cover what i like.. i realli regret what i chose.. at least i enjoyed good pay + shift allowances.. n the weekday off to bring mummy out.. now.. i dun have anni.. stupid mi. i hate it hate it hate it..
what i normally say.. anything that had happen has happened.. if u do not like where u r now.. have to look for solutions.. either by going back to status quo.. or to change it..
so looking into ways to change it.. but dunno how long i'll procrastinate.. hatemyself..
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
times always flies.
it's already aug 2006, n yet it seems like we have just finished celebrating CNY..
soon, i will be leaving my first job and move on to prevent myself from stagenting.
if life is a story a book, it's a big big big story, no one will know the ending till we want it to be.
seems like i will not be able to break out from this cycle.. how i wish life is more simpler, more laughter and less frowns n unhappiness.
i dunno what to say.
hao xiang ku, duo zai ni de huai li ku
bu xiang shu, shu diao wo men de xing fu
===
seems like my memory of jon is fading.. thou seeing his name still gives mi a thrill..
i'm scare, scare that he'll become less and less important to me gradually.
scare, scare that i will give up on God, and his love. Scare that life will take over me, and i will forget who i am.
Scare, scare abt many things.
Tired, tired of many things.. is it my choice? or is it something that i want to act like? i haven found the ans yet. . :(
it's already aug 2006, n yet it seems like we have just finished celebrating CNY..
soon, i will be leaving my first job and move on to prevent myself from stagenting.
if life is a story a book, it's a big big big story, no one will know the ending till we want it to be.
seems like i will not be able to break out from this cycle.. how i wish life is more simpler, more laughter and less frowns n unhappiness.
i dunno what to say.
hao xiang ku, duo zai ni de huai li ku
bu xiang shu, shu diao wo men de xing fu
===
seems like my memory of jon is fading.. thou seeing his name still gives mi a thrill..
i'm scare, scare that he'll become less and less important to me gradually.
scare, scare that i will give up on God, and his love. Scare that life will take over me, and i will forget who i am.
Scare, scare abt many things.
Tired, tired of many things.. is it my choice? or is it something that i want to act like? i haven found the ans yet. . :(
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