原点

1月1号。。
1个新年的开始。。 2007年1月1号，与好友倒数再在KTV唱个通宵，还记得一开场，就连续唱了3首五月天的歌，high到翻。。and after that, we're still reluctant to return home, walked from orchard party world to PS, 还记得，那时听到了燕姿的一首歌，naturally, 我又作怪了，跑上前问工作人员 why there was a tent set up and what the pple were Qing for at 6 am in the morning. Realised that 人月牌has this tradition to give away their products on the first day of each year annually, and the first 88 pple were entitled to a can of abalone, oyster sauce, rice and some other stuffs amounting to 200+ I think. So I did a quick count and realised that we're still within the top 88.. 作朋友当然要讲义气..haha.. so,就这样,shijia,shihui and yiling 就陪我留下来排队到早上10点。

I still remembered clearly, 那时刚掉入生命中的谷底，因此，开开心心拿了那个package后，跟朋友说，今年有了一个好的开始，所以今年一定会比去年好。

Made some resolution then.. of which which held more importance to me was that to improve my r/s with my sis and bro.. Sadly, my r/s with my sis deteriorated further, mainly due to my resolution to improve the r/s with her, I tried to be nicer to her, to initiated conversation with her, and ended up, being hurt by her verbal abuse again. So stopped speaking to her close to one year.. http://cressen.blogspot.com/2007/01/when-going-get-tuff.html

Another resolution was of cos, to get out from the shit job that i was in.. went for an interview at aberdeen, i was stupidly damn confident of myself, and didn't bother to practise nor prepare myself for the interview, 回想起来 真的觉得我当时所说的某一些话是不对的. I was so disappointed then that I didn't even get thru' to the first round of intervew, cos have always believe, intellectualy, I was pretty sure i'm better than those who went for the interview. Affected me quite badly for a while too.

没多久，came down with food poisoning after eating the expired cheese, 还记得，那时上吐下泄，看了doc 后，回到office, told Tracy that I'll be on halfday MC due to food poisoning, and she told me to return home imm, guess I look really sick then.. Out of the 11 days of MC taken during my 8 months there, this is the only time that I was really sick. 还记得那时，站在cab stand waiting for a cab,差一点以为自己会死掉,was so freaking weak then. by the time I reached home, I was already shivering, and in the end, have to call for an ambulance to send me to the hospital. It was quite dramatic then.. And at the same time, I came to appreciate what I always say, 朋友不需太多，有几个好的最重要。。

一拖再拖，而meanwhile, 又回去了aberdeen for另外两个interviews without success, 终于，在四月份鼓起勇气问mummy if it's okay if I quit without a job, cos i sincerly believe that having no job is much better than making myself fall into further depression. I guess, the change in me during the time working at the hellhole was so obvious that she agreed to let me do so. I still remembered, how happy I was when I submitted the resignation letter to spineless boss. It soon spread, but I was so bloody happy, no longer do I have to take the abuse of all the bastards and bitches. No longer do I need to be at a loss at what to do when no one knows what's going on at all, no longer would I have to face all the shirking of responsibility from one department to another. I can still remember clearly, even on my last day, when I was goin from one dept to another collecting signatures on the signoff form, those pple were still refusing to sign, saying that they don't wana be held responsible if the handover wasn't done properly.. arn't them idiotic? The purpose of signing off is to first chk and ensure that the handover was done properly before u sign on it, yet u are too damn lazy to check, and refused to sign it, claiming that your department is not involved in this. If ur department is not involved, then can't you tell HR to remove ur dept from the signoff paper to prevent future scnarios like this from happening again?!! It was only when I threatened to get the HR person to resolve this did one of the idiot took my paper and sign, while saying aloud to everyone around to witness that she signed only for the purpose of signing and to 打发我走, and not cos she's responsible for this action, and claims that I'll be the last person she'll sign for, and that no one is to direct future tenderees to her to sign the signoff paper. I can only silently say my prayers that I was making the correct decision to quit that hellhole. The only slighly 感慨is that I didn't have a chance to know one of the, imo, cute guy better.... Haha.. and of cos I remember the stunned look on that stupid mgt trainee, pervetic kenneth, when I showed him my daily tasks and told him he should be taking over those tasks after I left.. Haha.. I guess never in a million years would he associate mgt trainee tasks to answering calls, warring with the mostly bastards remisers, checking signature for forms, replying voicemails, and the holy and sacred task of being a bodyguard to the cashier to deposit $ everyday.. hahaha.. 就这样，在5月的某一天离开了地狱。。

One day later, flew to Indonesia with my friends to attend a friend's wedding. 好久没有与好朋友出国了。。was so so happy when we realised that we'll be put up at marriot... 还记得那时诗慧开心到手舞足蹈起来了。。 and have a 专属我们的司机, whom we gave a huge tip at the end of the 3 days。 was so so excited when we played dressing up, really atas style amidst all the Indos' 太太, all looking so pretty and glamy..n most importantly, am really happy that another of my friend found someone she loves n loves her back, someone to take care of her for the rest of her life..好羡慕她。。 a few of my fave photos taken there...

First day.. from airport to hotel..

The Church Wedding

Pretty Glamy Gers

and

are my fave photos..

最后一天。。 rushed thru our shopping, and henny's hubby quickly drove us to the airport.. that toyota wish or honda oydessy or some vehicle around that size managed to pack 8 pple n lotsa luggage and shopping bags.. best thing is thou we rushed there, at check in, realised we're already the last group of passengers to check in.. But Henny said that we can board the plane later than the stated time and asked us to go for coffee before leaving.. In the end, luckily we decided to leave the cafe 5 mins earlier, and bumped into the check in lady who told us that they've paged for us several times and are searching for us to board the plane quickly.. so haha.. in the end, without a proper goodbye to Henny n hubby, we ran non stop into the airplane.. it was super farnie.. and everyone in the plane were looking at us who caused the plane to be late.. those are good memories.. Eversince I came back from Indo, have been wanting to blog down this memory.. But have been procrastinating for the longest time.. so finally finally.. all are down now.. And here's the most meaningful pic of the trip..

After the Indo trip.. haha.. it's another trip to 上海 before i start looking for a job.. another dunno how many days how many nites trip, with all the customary trips to the necessary places.. the only memorable incident was that I traded my atas sunglass..=( bought 3 new glamy looking sunglass, but lost my fave that i got in BKK in SH..

my atas looking sunglasses..

When I came back to reality.. jobless n peniless due to the travel.. have to start making decision.. still remembered, in the earlier part of the yr, while I was still plain unhappie, there was once when yl asked me, so if i'm given a choice, what job would I wana be in? My first ans was a fund mgr.. cos i've always been interested in unit trust, more than stocks. Moreover, I felt that being a fund mgr, I can get to travel to see the comps, to analyse and weigh if they should be included into a fund. And also, I can start on doing the CFA too.. After a while, I realised that maybe, there's another job that I may even want more, but somehow, I can't see myself being one due to various reasons.. That is to become a financial advisor.. I've always believe in financial planning, cos I learnt via the hard way how difficult life can becomes when one is not rich, when one becomes helpless, when one doesn't plan for any contigencies that life might throw us anytime. I would like to have a chance, to advocate the product that I believe in strongly, which is insurance, and the chance to monitor the ups and down, to pick the cream of the corp of the product I love, that is unit trust, and the chance to learn all other aspects of financial planning.. the will writing, estate and tax planning, cpf ruling etc.. fundamentally, to ensure that myself, and the pple around me are protected and are protecting the pple they love by taking sometime to think thru abt all the 'what if' in life... Overtime, this line may be even better than being a fund manager, if one strives and succeeds, the income of both career should be rather comparable.. and thou a financial planner may lack the glam and prestige that a fund mgr may command, at the very least, a financial planner has the time flexibility that a fund mgr will nvr get to enjoy. And time flexibility has always been one of the factor that I strongly favour in looking out for a job.. Alas, I'm scared, am still scared of joining this line, cos the black sheeps have greatly smeared this industry.. cos the stigma of being a financial planner is very presurrising, even myself will siam from any friend who'll call me out from the blue asking me out to talk abt financial planning. How can I see myself doing that too? I've tried to self talk to myself, telling myself that I can chose not to do this, and starts from close friends, the pple around me, I can chose to carry myself with integrity, to not exaggrate, to not blow up figures, to only recommand the suitable products to them, instead of the highest commission one.. But I'm scare that I'll not be able to overcome the temptation and sell my integrity away. I was not able to cross that fence, so althou I was very interested in joining this line, I told myself that it's impossible.

I've played with the idea of going to US, to fulfil my dreams of following Jon to whichever states he's going for his concert. My initial plan was to save 30k by 26, and spent that yr in US to find Jon, so maybe, I can consider pushin this plan forward despite not reaching the amount that I wana to have initially. But of cos, it's impossible, my mum will nvr agree to it, n i always find it hard to carry out any plans without her consent. I'll always end up feeling guilty about making her upset. At the same time, I guess, my passion towards Jon had gradually fade over the past year, althou I'm still grateful to him, I no longer harbour this strong wish to go US, to know him, and somehow find a way to make him fall in love with me and start a family with him.

Around this time, I was also sending my resume out, to all the big banks blindly pursuing a, what I term as 'paper pusher' job. That is looking at papers, looking at data, and doing the same thing day after day after day.. Maybe cos I'm a Gemini, I cannot cannot fathom myself doing this day after day after month after year.. I think I'll go crazy if I do not have interaction with pple in my job.. But however, it is this path that I chose cos it's certainly the most politically correct one. That's what almost everyone who wish for a foreseeable good future would yearn to go in, the stable job, the correct company, the good pay, the fat bonus the almost 铁饭碗till retirement, till death.. The job that will wau my ignorant snobbish relatives, the job that my mum can boast and fluant to everyone, the job that accquiatances will nod their head and will accept u into their circle... Unluckily or luckily, I didn't even manage to get any interviews for those that I've applied directly for. There was only one irritating one man show agency who would just push me to all the sucky posts.. and even told me, u're jobless now, just take any, how can u find work if you're so picky! Thankfully, Cailing gave me how agent's contact who got her all the good jobs.. and I got into UBS for a 2 month contract.. Truthfully, I've got no idea what I wana do at all at that time.. All I wana was to buy more time for me to sort out my thots.

Finally in July, I stepped into UBS and started this temp.. I had a very hard time integrating in. I decided to take reductil consistently and it caused me to feel weak daily, moreover, my dearest jiajia left for aus at that time. When someone so close to you just stop appearing in ur life physically, it just feels loncly, empty and strange. These 2 factors, plus the -ve vibes at work, and being a slow adjuster, I plunged into depression.. Looking back now, on hindsight, july to sept was definately my toughest moments. There were times when I just feel like ending it all, times when I felt damn inferior, times when I just cry out, be it while walking from places to places, or 夜深人静的时候. Luckily, I decided to stop the pills, thankfully, I still have cailing, yl n shihui by my side, esp yl, very thankful that she kept me company on the phone whenever I hide in the toilet during lunch, thankful that she listened to my problems everytime after our yoga, when factually, my molehill is so insignificant compared to her avalanche of problems.

我想，转泪点是当他们要求我extend another 4 mths till the end of the year. Somehow, gave me some confidance and more importantly, forced me to open up to my co workers since I'm gonna face them for a couple more months.. Workwise, I know I won't have a problem, I know what I'm capable of. It's just the EQ part, the mingerling, socialising and networking that's causing me the problems. I hate to socialise. I do not like to expand my social circle, preferring to stick to my comfort zone, where I really feel confident and well like, but put me out of that zone, i'll become an awkward, tongue tied, slow reacting and inferior person. But since I need to stay there for another 5 more mths, I've gotta open myself more, chat more and really really make friends, exchanging thots, gossips, comments and everything else. As time goes by, things gotten better and I'm really grateful, grateful that this stint of 5 mths brought me new friends, 2 new gers that whom I enjoyed their companies and laughter. Grateful that I've learnt to open up and make new friends and I must con't to learn how to stop talking abt me, myself, and instead to remember to focus on other pple and make them the subject of the conversation instead. I've been badly pampered, and on hindsight, I guess these few months are what God have prepared for me so that I can learn all these skills, and more importantly to find back my old self..