I have been unhappy for many many days..
In fact, might been many weeks.
So when did everything start?

I was in a good mood then, when my mum shouted at me, for leaving the charger on after olugging out my phone, and after that, it was cos the shorts drawer is in a mess, and just because it is at the side of my cupboard, my mum naturally assumed it's me who made the mess again. And I blew it. And thus the cold war started. That must have at least been more than 1 mth ago, when my sis decided to bake cake, and thus, made my mum unhappy. Cos she'll be the one who will be cleaning up all the mess she has created.
I realised, it's harder and harder to patch up and be close with my mum whenever we have a quarrel now. I tend to be very unhappy, and it lasts a very long time.

And daily, I feel the stress from my friend, the one I'm closest with. Treading on thin ice, without daring to speak my mind fearing that's will spoil the friendship again. I know that I am selfish and insensitive, and deliberately ignore or take advantage of others if I want things to be done my way.but yet, I also go all the way out for pple when I think it's justified and necessary to do so. I just dun care how pple view me, and dun bother to do the correct things. But when such an impt friend can't stand my way more and more, to the fact that I have to be very careful, I really feel very upset... And the saddest thing is, I still dunno how to raise this subject to face it. And I always refuse to say anything negative abt anyone, ESP those I care, and I'm finding it harder and harder not to raise this subject to other pple, to fend my air, and to hear others opinions. I am so tired and sad...

I am sad, cos at work, I just do not know why. From being in palace that I used to love so much, to being in a place where I feel that I'm a total outcast. I feel so scare at my workplace, knowing that shall I tread wrongly, no one, will support me and stand by my side. No one will fight for me, and everyone will be happy that I'm leaving. I feel so sad. I used to have a lot of respect for the pple I wads working with, and I realised that everything is fake. Whatever concern shown previously, it seems that it's only cos I was the flavour of the day. I dun dare to speak much to pple, dun dare to show affection and concern to other, even when I see that they need help, and I wish that I can give them a pull. I feel so sad. I feel so sad, that I cannot do anything, I feel sad cos all the beautiful images shown when I first joined were all fake. I feel sad cos I have no security there.

It seems, everything is gng against me now. Emotionally.
I'm still blessed, thankful that God shield me away from things that can break me further. Blessed, cos God send me with clients this year, so that I know there's financial security. Blessed, cos I still have friends, who affirm me for who I am.

I really, truly believe that I am a good person, someone with integrity, and a sense of what is rite, and what is wrong, someone who really think long term, and know that many things are all 过雨云烟, and thus, need not waste time and effort on. I really believe that I am a good friend, cos I will always be there, when help is really. I just dun like to do things for the sake of doing.

God, I pray to you, to pull me out from this, I've been twirling around emotionally, feeling really really unhappie. I pray that you will pull me out from all these.
God, I pray you will send someone to accompany me, I really really wish to have a shoulder to lean on, to tell me that everything is okay, and he will be there for me, and with me, no matter how lonely I feel. God. I pray.