Learning to treasure relationship

Everysince my brother and sis gotten married
I've become more and more unhappy as i feel so lonely.. especially with my mum going for mahjong daily..
as a result, i tried to find love online.. and ended gotten my heart broken twice..
i didnt' know it will be so tough, but good lesson learnt from here, and i know, if time can be rewinded, i will want to start the relationship with them again.. especially with Yazid

i met oliver on 29 aug, and started a relationship with him unknowing that he's a married man and is out to cheat me only.. and i guess, what he only wants is sex with me, and he got it of cos.. but cos of cycling, and my infinite patience, he couldn't get rid of me, and we sorta went all the way till feb, when he finally decided not to continue and started ignoring me.. in oct, nov, dec and jan inititated to end the relationship, but he refused. But from feb, since CNY, he stopped talking to me except for a good morning daily.. which i find it meaningless.. and finally in Apr, we ended..
He is my ideal guy.. very smart, confidence, i love his body size, and amazingly, his uncle looks. I love how loud and full of life he is, and how nice he hugged me previously. I feel proud standing besides him, knowing that i meant something to him.. unfortunately, we have nothing to talk about as he refused to tell me his personal life and how can we continue a relationship when our conversation only revolves around cycling?

in late april when i parted way with oliver and was badly hurt, yazid came along..
was so happy to find someone that share the same birthday as me. Due to louis, i felt guys born on 15 Jun are great people. i was attracted with how confident, comfortable he look when he fetched me at my place. how he placed his head on his palm while he drives, and how he doesn't want to give me his real name as he is a malay cos he doesn't looks like one at all
i always wonder, at which point of our first date did he decided that he wanted to bring me home and have sex with me.. what did i do to let him think that i was willing to do so? why did i accept his invite to his place at 1plus am in the middle of the night? why did i trust him that much? and why did i agree to it finally?
i also wonder, at which point did he had feelings for me that he constantly has me in his thots, and ask for my company every other night?
and thruout this short 1.5 mths.. was he just going thru a rough patch with his gf? or did he still have a gf then? The fact that he was evasive with his personal number and details, and that there's that pink phone on his tv console always made me wonder.. and that time at bugis, he took a photo of such a cute quote, who did he want to send it too? all these facts made me insecure being with him, and that was why i held back.. and the fact that he didn't want to spend our birthday together?  doesn't all these points to the fact that he wasn't being serious with me?
but i learn a very good lesson too. i sincercely believe at one point of time, he was genuinely attracted to me and want to be with me.. but i failed to treasure it, and put myself on a pedestral, thinking that if he likes me, he will come and look for me.. and as a results.. he felt sian and just simply ignored me.. or maybe, after i gave him the sound dock, he realised that i really fell for him, and thus he wanted out since he never wanted to be serious with me? I dunno.. i dun think i will get these questions answered..

but it's true, the more i date, the clearer i know what i want.. so will have to have faith, and just carry on with my life, to remind myself to treasure relationship, which is somehing that i obviously don't cos i am always too nonchalent and have this super inferior complex thinking that i shouldn't be bothering people.. so moving forward, if i like someone, i'll just tell them so. and if anyone is nice to me, i'll learn how to treasure them. I will learn how to love myself more, and to be more selfish, not to think too much for others, cos they also dun bother thinking for me too.

I pray for God to give me strength.