Where I came from..

hey.. dun be alarmed.. wrote this piece many years ago, came across it while clearing my laptop today.. so thot of putting it here..

================
My dad passed away when I was in primary 6. I still recall that day, I actually dreamt of him falling down, and we receiving the call from the hospital, informing us that he was hospitalised. I dreamt the exact scene, and was scared awake.

I remembered, after waking up, I was lying on the floor, imaging what life would be like if my dad were to pass away. I remembered a few scenarios that I imagined. One was that I have to be the heroine, where I got to quit school and start working to support the family, as all along, my mum was a housewife, whereas my elder sister excels in her study, and my younger brother was only 9 years old then. While imaging and playing these scenarios in my mind, my dad walked past me to the door to go out to work. He and my mum were standing at the door, and I remembered him, telling my mum that he had just bought a new pair of shoes and left. I had the opportunity to stop him, I had the opportunity to tell him that I had that dream whereby that was the last time I will see him standing up, but all I thought was, that was just a dream.. and I didn't stop him.

Fast forward to 9 am that day. The call came. My mum picked up the call, and I was at the exact same place where I saw myself in the dream, playing with my dolls. Someone informed my mum that my dad fell, and was admitted to TTSH. Immediately, we took a cab to the hospital. I remembered seeing him lying on the bed, helplessly, looking at us, and the doctor or nurse was telling and giving my mum what my dad wore and brought with him that day. Vaguely, I can still recall seeing the coins, and his Seiko watch in the ziplock bag. That was also the last time I saw him conscious.

The following day, my dad was admitted into the ICU. The fall was never serious, it was just a slip, but at my dad age that time, it was serious. I remembered the daily trips to the hospital vaguely, that we have to change buses to TTSH. The daily wait outside ICU. The nurses telling my mum that my brother and I were too young to enter the ICU. But they still let us in most of the time, as they knew that time was not on my dad side. I also remembered how my auntie and cousins would accompany my mum outside the ICU, making really un-nice remarks that still scar my heart even till today. I also remembered, once, after school, I had to bring my brother to the hospital, I grabbed a branch of money from the drawer, I was really scared that I would not have enough money to pay the cab fare, and that I was clutching the money so tight in my fist. And I remembered clearly, on 26th August 1994, my mum went to the hairdresser downstairs to cut her hair, as at that time, according to my aunties, my mum will have to wait a very long time to cut her hair again if she doesn’t cut it soon. Me, my sister, and brother were sitting in front of the TV watching the Chinese drama, San Mian Xia Wa. At around 3.15pm, the first call came. One of us picked up the phone, and was told that my dad was in critical condition. We were panicking. 3 young children not knowing what to do. By the time we gathered our wits and wanted to rush downstairs to look for our mama, the second call came and informed us that my dad has passed away at 3.30. At that point of time, generally, I didn't have much reaction. I really couldn’t recall what I feel that time. I only remembered us rushing down, and bumped into my mum when she was coming back up, and we rushing to the hospital together.

I recalled being inside the room in the ICU, where my dad was in for the past 5 days, the place where I remembered me sitting at his left side, always touching his little finger, asking him to awake from his sleep/coma, my dad was lying so peacefully in that room. I was and still am my dad favorite child. I resemblance him the most, and everyone said, whenever I'm near him, he will seems to have a reaction, some stirring of the eyeballs, some attempt to move the lips, or returning my touch on the finger. But he never woke up. I couldn't recall my last word, or conversation with him.

Inside the room, I was trying to act cool, I didn't even cry. And when someone asked us if we should inform other relatives to the hospital, I was the one who volunteered to call them. I stepped out of the ICU, thinking that I'm some damsel in distress, and that the other people outside the ICU would look at me in awe, as I'm the one who knows someone inside that ICU, and that someone has passed away. Holding my head tall, I used the public phone right outside, and called my relatives. Some guy came to approach me. I thought that it was some reporter, or maybe even better, some talent scouts who wanted to recruit me to be some celebrity as they are amazed by my ability to hold my emotion... I had a very vivid imagination then. Unfortunately, at least to me at that time, it was someone from a casket company. In fact, more than one of them approached me.

Fast forward again. The same day, at the void deck of my house, we were setting up the tents for the funeral. Many neighbors came to offer the condolences. Many, many things happened. The dissembling of my dad’s bed, the covering of the altar with red papers, the many many many people walking in and out of our flat, patting our heads, the three of us, holding onto each other, moving from the void decks to the flat and back to the void decks. Some relatives taught my sister and I how to fold ingots using paper money, and we folded bags and bags of it. The embalmer did a good job. I recalled, in the middle of the night, standing besides the casket, and whispering words and words to my dad. I really can't recall much on the funeral, but many many relatives told me that I looked really happy during those few days, as I was receiving a lot of attention.

The final day of the funeral. I didn't cry. I couldn't bring myself to cry when they were carrying my dad's casket out. Many of my relatives were saying that I was unfilial. The truth is, maybe, at that time, I didn't know a death is perpetual. I didn't know that no one is going to return my father to me. When they gave me the grass attire to wear, I realized that my shoes doesn't match, i started crying, and arguing. I'm having all the attention from my relatives and the people I don't know on the street. I wanted to look my best. How can they give me something that doesn't match! I still remembered this clearly. I started crying then. And people around me starting thinking, finally this girl has feelings and emotion. In fact, the truth is, I really really didn't cry during the funeral for my dad.

I also remembered, my brother, who’s the only son, was supposed to carry the most important tool for the funeral when following the hearse, but he was only 9 then. Just like me, he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on at all too. Remembered that some relatives decided, my sis should carry that tool, and a switch was made. And while recalling now, I realized that I do not remembered what went on at the crematorium at all. I recall the building, and I know that I did witness my dad being cremated, but I just cannot remember anything that went on in that building.

One incident I remembered clearly was, my PSLE for Chinese paper fell on the same day of the 49th day after my dád death. I was given permission to leave the exam early so that I can join in the ritual that must be held before 12 noon. And I remembered many classmates were asking me why did I need to wear a piece of cloth at the side of my sleeve. I guess, at that age, none of us understand the significance of a death.

Fast forward again. 10 year has past. Both me and my sister are alumus of NUS, while my brother is in NTU now. My mum has retired, and we are all leading a comfortable life now. Looking back, I do not know how we came to survive those years. We didn't have much relatives to depend on, as in the first place, my family was not even considered middle class, and that most of them do not have any good impression about us cos we were so poor. Most believed at that time, that my sister, though clever, could never make it to Uni as we were poor. All believed that I will end up being lead astray as I was already extremely rebellious at that time and was poor in my studies. Not too sure about my brother. As I mentioned, my mum has always been a housewife, so how can she support the family?

My dad, being a taxi driver, doesn't have much savings or even CPF. How did we survive? No, I didn't quit school. Luckily for us, some organizations gave us monthly handouts, a church near punggol park gave us rice and daily necessities every month, and we would often walk from our flat to there to take the stuffs, and sometime, in order to save $, we lugged the heavy items and walked back home. My sis's school also did a fund raising for her and she need to go on stage to thanks the school publicly. My mum became my school's canteen cleaner through the kind help of my secondary school principal, and she worked at MacDonald’s on weekend, and as a banquet waitress whenever she can, and a seamstress when she’s back home. We scrimped and saved, ate leftovers from the canteen stall holders who were kind enough to give it to my mum and showed her a lot of attitude thereafter, but there’s nothing we can do, beggars can never be chooser. And there was a period of time, at around 5 pm everyday, the grocery store would throw away its expired or left over breads and cakes, and my mum would then go downstairs to pick up those food while a snobbish neighbor would view from her window snubbing our desperation. I received $25 pocket money from the school, and an extra 200 as my mum’s salary from the school, and also, were often ridiculed, criticized and snubbed by that financial assistance teacher in charge. I started doing holiday job that year, at my sis school bookshop, and I still am grateful to the bookshop boss, for being so generous and kind to employ a 12 year old girl, who doesn’t know what’s going on, who doesn’t know how to count, who doesn’t know a lot of things to help him out during the holiday period so that she can earn some money to help up the family. And I remembered working at this wholesaler during my sec one and two holidays, where I helped to carry boxes of canned products, made pickled green chili and did a lot of packing and everything else. My two solid muscles on my upper forearm were trained then and I guess, it’ll always stay there since it was developed during my growing up years. My resilience and mental strength were accelerated then too I guess. Sadly, very sadly, due to all these, and the fact that my mum was often not at home, the three of us started quarrelling with each other often, since there wasn’t any adults to supervise us. And as a result, we grew further and further apart during our growing up years, where we can go without speaking to each other for years. Luckily my relationship with my brother has very recently turned much better, while unfortunately, both my brother and mine relationship with my sis went south. And the many many years of hard work took a huge toll on my mum’s health and body, such that she has become rather hunched, limps when she walk and lost an eyeball.. I guess, all these memories and repercussions will stay with me and us, till the day it's our turn to die.

If my dad is still alive, he would be 75 this year. My sis is only 28. I think we would have alot of difficulties looking after him if he’s still alive now.. So, I have wondered this many many times, where would I be now if I asked my dad to stay behind on 21 August 1994? Would I live as comfortable a life now? Is it a blessing in disguise after all?

I guess I'm really lucky too. As I’ve said, I'm my dad favorite child. I was 12 when he passed away. Unlike my sis, who has more memories of him and should be more attached to him, or my bro, who has almost no memories of him anymore, I was not too attached to him, nor do I have only few selected memories of him. I know that all 3 of us treasure any photos we took with our dad zealously cos there’s really not much at all. My brother just recently got the Seiko watch that my dad left behind repaired so that he can continue wearing my dad's watch. I guess he really wants to always remember him.

Lyrics

《你那么爱她》李圣杰vs-林隆璇
直到爱消失你才懂得
去珍惜身边每个每好风景
只是他早已离去
直到你相逢
他早已经不在对你留恋
最后的你
开始了一段挣扎
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
为什么不说心里话
你深爱他
这是每个人都知道啊
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
是不是你有深爱的两个他
所以你不想再让自己无法自拔
直到爱消失你才懂得
去珍惜身边每个每好风景
只是他早已离去
直到你相逢
他早已经不在对你留恋
最后的你
开始了一段挣扎`````哦``````
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
为什么不说心里话
你深爱他
这是每个人都知道啊
你那么爱他
为什么不把他留下
是不是你有深爱的两个他
所以你不想再让自己无法自拔
哦~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

王力宏 《第一个清晨》

光投进爱
把梦刷白
舍不得你会醒过来
不要现在
昨夜走太快哦…
说不上来
隐隐藏在胸口一块
吻你脸颊
证明此刻真的存在
是你让我相信爱
对我慷慨 hey oh
是爱我们是注定不是意外
这是爱
我们的爱
还不确定却好实在
把你贴在胸怀
静静的代替表白
才不愿放开
给你的爱
没名字却停不下来
在忐忑里期待
雀跃中想到未来是你我才明白
这就是爱
----
但梦还在
小心不让你醒过来
也许现在
就是永恒的未来
第一个我们的清晨
迷人和默契都是你的
无限可能
言语都显得太肤浅

My ears..

My right ear feels itchy.. i wonder.. if it's cos he's thinking of me.. i really hope wish and pray it is.. cos i'm missing him.. Hope he's enjoying his reuinon dinner with his huge huge family and all his nieces and nephews calling him uncle! hahahaha...

A nite at his house...

Msged him ytd nite, asked if he’s at home for me to return the cds to him.. again, he didn’t reply.. In the end, had to call him and ask.. So he said he’s at home, and gave me very comprehensive direction to reach his house.. Was real happie.. Gonna see him again.. had a shouting match with my dear brother who drove me there.. he wana stay at the basement carpark and wana me to go up to the lobby and call him, but I wana him to drive me to the lobby and for him to wait there for me..So i won the match and my poor brother gotta circle up and find his blk.. I happily skipped out of the car and took the bag of cds and msg him to come down cos i've reached.. while trying to conceal my happiness from my mum and him.. hahaa.. We exchanged our packs of cds when he came down, and I asked him if he can see any difference in me.. thou he scrutinized for a while, he couldn't see that i've cut my eyes.. haha.. well.. he took some time to look at my eyes, and commented that he can't see any difference, and I told him that the feedback have been positive so far.. and after that he said it looks slightly slightly longer by a teeny weeny bit.. He wanted to take a photo to show the rest, since I am not going to his house for CNY.. I told him to take the eyes only, and mentioned that cos my eyes are still very swollen, that's y i didn't wana go his house for CNY.. so he asked me back, so u're actually free on CHU 3 one lah? and I quickly said that no lah.. i also have stuffs on.. when actually I dun have a clue what i'm gonna do on that day.. thou much i wana see him, i dun wana end up being the odd one out, when the rest are coming in pair, when i'm still alone, esp at this time when i'm looking so fabulously ugly.. i definately dun wish to make it seems so obvious that everyone found a partner, with only the both of us being single, and it's so pathetic that he would rather stay single then consider me.. it's quite sad actually.. he asked me how much I paid for the ops, and i said it's 3k+, and he said might as well .... jian fei.. at that point of time, i heard it as might as well na lai gei wo jian fei.. wo as in him, cos he was saying the sentence.. on hindsight, mebbe he meant i should have used the money for jian fei instead.. hiaz..anyway he asked if i wana see his new house.. so i was of cos damn excited and wana.. so i quickly ran to the car n told my mum to wait for me for a few mins while i went up.. hehe.. his new house is so pretty.. i wouldn't mind staying there.. hahahaa..it's really small compared to his dunno how many ft of bungolow, but the plus is that there's this humungously huge swimming pool there.. and when u open the balcony, u can hear the splish splashing of the swimming and the gentle breeze into the living room. Hahaa.. funnily his mum stepped out from her room and walked past us, she look at me for a while and i said Hi auntie, while he told her i'm his friend.. duh.. obviously.. u wun invite a stranger up ur house rite? But based on what he said, i'm the first friend who went his house, i'm not sure if it's first ger/ first nus clique or plain first friend who went up his house less those who helped him move... but i'm happy enoff.. next, we went to his bedroom.. wau.. haha.. i can just imagine myself spending alot of time with him in there.. reading books and chit chatting.. his room is amazingly small lor! i think it's just the size of his bathroom in his previous house! I first saw the shocking lime green wall, and his double bed with lime green bedsheet.. his table with his laptop on it.. and I think at least a 32 inch plasma tv mounted on the wall due to plain lack of space in the room! I realised that I must have said his room is very small ten times while in there! He showed me his bathroom, and sadly, his cute xiao xin model is gone.. same for his huge collection of comics! there's only a calvin and hobes and another comic book in there now.. aww.. that's so sad... oh yah.. Almost forgotten, the first place where I went to was the kitchen.. Cos it's situated right besides the front door. So I just turn in to see n the kitchen is also very small!! I think it's already abit squeezy for 3 pple in there! Haha.. The kitchen is very important to me, cos that's where i'm gonna cook for and with him in the future.. hahhaa... in my imagination and dream at least..and i was wearing the Jon's t shirt, and he saw it, and i heard he commented something "Hobbit" when we stepped out of the kitchen.. haha.. sometimes i wish that he's jealous of Jon lor..well.. And then it's back to reality when he sent me downstairs.. Haha.. I forgotten that he needs to send me down and I tried to close the metal gates while he was trying to close his wooden door.. So he got stuck in between the 2 doors... and i laughed, which he failed to appreciate y.. hahaha... and after that he attemped to walk me to my car and I was like trying to discourage him from doing so, cos i dun wana give my mum any false hopes, nor do i wish for him to see my family cos he came from such a perfect and beautiful upper class family, he'll not be able to understand, and i'm scared that he'll be turn off by the unrefiness of mine..so I stop him one car away from mine, and turn to face and and said, I'll see u after CNY to borrow more CDs from you, and ran to the passenger seats without a backward glance.. I wonder, were he looking at my car as my bro drove away, or did he simply turn and walk back? I dun dare to look behind in case my mum started asking any Q... Luckily i've already explained thoroughly to her that this guy is not interested in me at all, cos since uni, he had attempted to chase every pretty gers I know, and yet, he knew that i'm single and very available, and he never even consider me.. Haha.. i'm sure my mum likes him alot.. cos he's superly rich lor..and his family.. his extended family.. every member of his family.. all so rich..

American Idol- Renaldo Lapuz Audition HQ (You are my Brother)

Hilarious hilarious hilarious..
made me teared.. haha...

Wana ask u.. Mr Sim..

R u getting slimmer n slimmer nowadays? does ur legs feel tired? Is ur heart going pound pound pound pound? U've already been running in mind for 2 days le.. wun u get tired? How about moving out from it? Let me have some solace pls! Lai ha ma zhen de mei zhi ge chi ni zhe ge tian e rou leh..

Dun forget how to be humane

Went for dinner just now, was sharing table with this old granny, whom I guess is at least 80-90.. There she was, eating wafer biscuit that's sold in bulk of around 20-30 in a box that costs only $2+, together with a glass of hot water n milo. And here I was, eating a bowl of pipping hot bak cho mee.. Felt so guilty.. It should be me who should be having the wafers and her having the good meal, i'm still young, and will not feel the effects of having such a simple meal. But dunno what to do.. Dun wana insult her by asking if she wana have a bowl, and i'll treat her to eat, moreover, dun wana mum to scold me for being kaypo n wasting money on someone i dunno. At the same time, kept justifying my (in)actions by teling myself since this granny is indulgant enoff to buy a glass of milo, surely she does have the $ to buy a meal, maybe it's her choice that she just wana have wafer. But just can't shake off the gulitiness feeling..
Wana use this entry, to remind myself, to keep myself humane. At every possible time, opportunity.. to help others..
When I have stable income or am rich enoff, I intend to adopt a child, via world vision, to give them a chance to break away from the poverty cycle.. Also, while sitting there, I got an urge, to start volunteering to take care of the poor elderlys.. I should do so when I have the time. Stable income would be either a job where i can see myself performing it at least for the next 5 yrs.. Rich enoff.. i guess when I have passive income.. n of cos time is when one have less a fixed schedule.

For Jia jia 2

hmv
another pic of the snowflake
at meritus madarin
paragon

dunno where also le

the junction at hmv.. dunno why they hang those things on top, cos they're not even lited lor..

ps..

centre point.. got video clip which captures the lite..

For Jiajia

okie.. finally got the pics up le..
At CK Tangs


Along the street
Outside paragon

The snowflake thingy on all those lites along the streets

at the juntion at CK n orc mrt
closer view

forum
along the street

原点

1月1号。。
1个新年的开始。。 2007年1月1号，与好友倒数再在KTV唱个通宵，还记得一开场，就连续唱了3首五月天的歌，high到翻。。and after that, we're still reluctant to return home, walked from orchard party world to PS, 还记得，那时听到了燕姿的一首歌，naturally, 我又作怪了，跑上前问工作人员 why there was a tent set up and what the pple were Qing for at 6 am in the morning. Realised that 人月牌has this tradition to give away their products on the first day of each year annually, and the first 88 pple were entitled to a can of abalone, oyster sauce, rice and some other stuffs amounting to 200+ I think. So I did a quick count and realised that we're still within the top 88.. 作朋友当然要讲义气..haha.. so,就这样,shijia,shihui and yiling 就陪我留下来排队到早上10点。

I still remembered clearly, 那时刚掉入生命中的谷底，因此，开开心心拿了那个package后，跟朋友说，今年有了一个好的开始，所以今年一定会比去年好。

Made some resolution then.. of which which held more importance to me was that to improve my r/s with my sis and bro.. Sadly, my r/s with my sis deteriorated further, mainly due to my resolution to improve the r/s with her, I tried to be nicer to her, to initiated conversation with her, and ended up, being hurt by her verbal abuse again. So stopped speaking to her close to one year.. http://cressen.blogspot.com/2007/01/when-going-get-tuff.html

Another resolution was of cos, to get out from the shit job that i was in.. went for an interview at aberdeen, i was stupidly damn confident of myself, and didn't bother to practise nor prepare myself for the interview, 回想起来 真的觉得我当时所说的某一些话是不对的. I was so disappointed then that I didn't even get thru' to the first round of intervew, cos have always believe, intellectualy, I was pretty sure i'm better than those who went for the interview. Affected me quite badly for a while too.

没多久，came down with food poisoning after eating the expired cheese, 还记得，那时上吐下泄，看了doc 后，回到office, told Tracy that I'll be on halfday MC due to food poisoning, and she told me to return home imm, guess I look really sick then.. Out of the 11 days of MC taken during my 8 months there, this is the only time that I was really sick. 还记得那时，站在cab stand waiting for a cab,差一点以为自己会死掉,was so freaking weak then. by the time I reached home, I was already shivering, and in the end, have to call for an ambulance to send me to the hospital. It was quite dramatic then.. And at the same time, I came to appreciate what I always say, 朋友不需太多，有几个好的最重要。。

一拖再拖，而meanwhile, 又回去了aberdeen for另外两个interviews without success, 终于，在四月份鼓起勇气问mummy if it's okay if I quit without a job, cos i sincerly believe that having no job is much better than making myself fall into further depression. I guess, the change in me during the time working at the hellhole was so obvious that she agreed to let me do so. I still remembered, how happy I was when I submitted the resignation letter to spineless boss. It soon spread, but I was so bloody happy, no longer do I have to take the abuse of all the bastards and bitches. No longer do I need to be at a loss at what to do when no one knows what's going on at all, no longer would I have to face all the shirking of responsibility from one department to another. I can still remember clearly, even on my last day, when I was goin from one dept to another collecting signatures on the signoff form, those pple were still refusing to sign, saying that they don't wana be held responsible if the handover wasn't done properly.. arn't them idiotic? The purpose of signing off is to first chk and ensure that the handover was done properly before u sign on it, yet u are too damn lazy to check, and refused to sign it, claiming that your department is not involved in this. If ur department is not involved, then can't you tell HR to remove ur dept from the signoff paper to prevent future scnarios like this from happening again?!! It was only when I threatened to get the HR person to resolve this did one of the idiot took my paper and sign, while saying aloud to everyone around to witness that she signed only for the purpose of signing and to 打发我走, and not cos she's responsible for this action, and claims that I'll be the last person she'll sign for, and that no one is to direct future tenderees to her to sign the signoff paper. I can only silently say my prayers that I was making the correct decision to quit that hellhole. The only slighly 感慨is that I didn't have a chance to know one of the, imo, cute guy better.... Haha.. and of cos I remember the stunned look on that stupid mgt trainee, pervetic kenneth, when I showed him my daily tasks and told him he should be taking over those tasks after I left.. Haha.. I guess never in a million years would he associate mgt trainee tasks to answering calls, warring with the mostly bastards remisers, checking signature for forms, replying voicemails, and the holy and sacred task of being a bodyguard to the cashier to deposit $ everyday.. hahaha.. 就这样，在5月的某一天离开了地狱。。

One day later, flew to Indonesia with my friends to attend a friend's wedding. 好久没有与好朋友出国了。。was so so happy when we realised that we'll be put up at marriot... 还记得那时诗慧开心到手舞足蹈起来了。。 and have a 专属我们的司机, whom we gave a huge tip at the end of the 3 days。 was so so excited when we played dressing up, really atas style amidst all the Indos' 太太, all looking so pretty and glamy..n most importantly, am really happy that another of my friend found someone she loves n loves her back, someone to take care of her for the rest of her life..好羡慕她。。 a few of my fave photos taken there...

First day.. from airport to hotel..

The Church Wedding

Pretty Glamy Gers

and

are my fave photos..

最后一天。。 rushed thru our shopping, and henny's hubby quickly drove us to the airport.. that toyota wish or honda oydessy or some vehicle around that size managed to pack 8 pple n lotsa luggage and shopping bags.. best thing is thou we rushed there, at check in, realised we're already the last group of passengers to check in.. But Henny said that we can board the plane later than the stated time and asked us to go for coffee before leaving.. In the end, luckily we decided to leave the cafe 5 mins earlier, and bumped into the check in lady who told us that they've paged for us several times and are searching for us to board the plane quickly.. so haha.. in the end, without a proper goodbye to Henny n hubby, we ran non stop into the airplane.. it was super farnie.. and everyone in the plane were looking at us who caused the plane to be late.. those are good memories.. Eversince I came back from Indo, have been wanting to blog down this memory.. But have been procrastinating for the longest time.. so finally finally.. all are down now.. And here's the most meaningful pic of the trip..

After the Indo trip.. haha.. it's another trip to 上海 before i start looking for a job.. another dunno how many days how many nites trip, with all the customary trips to the necessary places.. the only memorable incident was that I traded my atas sunglass..=( bought 3 new glamy looking sunglass, but lost my fave that i got in BKK in SH..

my atas looking sunglasses..

When I came back to reality.. jobless n peniless due to the travel.. have to start making decision.. still remembered, in the earlier part of the yr, while I was still plain unhappie, there was once when yl asked me, so if i'm given a choice, what job would I wana be in? My first ans was a fund mgr.. cos i've always been interested in unit trust, more than stocks. Moreover, I felt that being a fund mgr, I can get to travel to see the comps, to analyse and weigh if they should be included into a fund. And also, I can start on doing the CFA too.. After a while, I realised that maybe, there's another job that I may even want more, but somehow, I can't see myself being one due to various reasons.. That is to become a financial advisor.. I've always believe in financial planning, cos I learnt via the hard way how difficult life can becomes when one is not rich, when one becomes helpless, when one doesn't plan for any contigencies that life might throw us anytime. I would like to have a chance, to advocate the product that I believe in strongly, which is insurance, and the chance to monitor the ups and down, to pick the cream of the corp of the product I love, that is unit trust, and the chance to learn all other aspects of financial planning.. the will writing, estate and tax planning, cpf ruling etc.. fundamentally, to ensure that myself, and the pple around me are protected and are protecting the pple they love by taking sometime to think thru abt all the 'what if' in life... Overtime, this line may be even better than being a fund manager, if one strives and succeeds, the income of both career should be rather comparable.. and thou a financial planner may lack the glam and prestige that a fund mgr may command, at the very least, a financial planner has the time flexibility that a fund mgr will nvr get to enjoy. And time flexibility has always been one of the factor that I strongly favour in looking out for a job.. Alas, I'm scared, am still scared of joining this line, cos the black sheeps have greatly smeared this industry.. cos the stigma of being a financial planner is very presurrising, even myself will siam from any friend who'll call me out from the blue asking me out to talk abt financial planning. How can I see myself doing that too? I've tried to self talk to myself, telling myself that I can chose not to do this, and starts from close friends, the pple around me, I can chose to carry myself with integrity, to not exaggrate, to not blow up figures, to only recommand the suitable products to them, instead of the highest commission one.. But I'm scare that I'll not be able to overcome the temptation and sell my integrity away. I was not able to cross that fence, so althou I was very interested in joining this line, I told myself that it's impossible.

I've played with the idea of going to US, to fulfil my dreams of following Jon to whichever states he's going for his concert. My initial plan was to save 30k by 26, and spent that yr in US to find Jon, so maybe, I can consider pushin this plan forward despite not reaching the amount that I wana to have initially. But of cos, it's impossible, my mum will nvr agree to it, n i always find it hard to carry out any plans without her consent. I'll always end up feeling guilty about making her upset. At the same time, I guess, my passion towards Jon had gradually fade over the past year, althou I'm still grateful to him, I no longer harbour this strong wish to go US, to know him, and somehow find a way to make him fall in love with me and start a family with him.

Around this time, I was also sending my resume out, to all the big banks blindly pursuing a, what I term as 'paper pusher' job. That is looking at papers, looking at data, and doing the same thing day after day after day.. Maybe cos I'm a Gemini, I cannot cannot fathom myself doing this day after day after month after year.. I think I'll go crazy if I do not have interaction with pple in my job.. But however, it is this path that I chose cos it's certainly the most politically correct one. That's what almost everyone who wish for a foreseeable good future would yearn to go in, the stable job, the correct company, the good pay, the fat bonus the almost 铁饭碗till retirement, till death.. The job that will wau my ignorant snobbish relatives, the job that my mum can boast and fluant to everyone, the job that accquiatances will nod their head and will accept u into their circle... Unluckily or luckily, I didn't even manage to get any interviews for those that I've applied directly for. There was only one irritating one man show agency who would just push me to all the sucky posts.. and even told me, u're jobless now, just take any, how can u find work if you're so picky! Thankfully, Cailing gave me how agent's contact who got her all the good jobs.. and I got into UBS for a 2 month contract.. Truthfully, I've got no idea what I wana do at all at that time.. All I wana was to buy more time for me to sort out my thots.

Finally in July, I stepped into UBS and started this temp.. I had a very hard time integrating in. I decided to take reductil consistently and it caused me to feel weak daily, moreover, my dearest jiajia left for aus at that time. When someone so close to you just stop appearing in ur life physically, it just feels loncly, empty and strange. These 2 factors, plus the -ve vibes at work, and being a slow adjuster, I plunged into depression.. Looking back now, on hindsight, july to sept was definately my toughest moments. There were times when I just feel like ending it all, times when I felt damn inferior, times when I just cry out, be it while walking from places to places, or 夜深人静的时候. Luckily, I decided to stop the pills, thankfully, I still have cailing, yl n shihui by my side, esp yl, very thankful that she kept me company on the phone whenever I hide in the toilet during lunch, thankful that she listened to my problems everytime after our yoga, when factually, my molehill is so insignificant compared to her avalanche of problems.

我想，转泪点是当他们要求我extend another 4 mths till the end of the year. Somehow, gave me some confidance and more importantly, forced me to open up to my co workers since I'm gonna face them for a couple more months.. Workwise, I know I won't have a problem, I know what I'm capable of. It's just the EQ part, the mingerling, socialising and networking that's causing me the problems. I hate to socialise. I do not like to expand my social circle, preferring to stick to my comfort zone, where I really feel confident and well like, but put me out of that zone, i'll become an awkward, tongue tied, slow reacting and inferior person. But since I need to stay there for another 5 more mths, I've gotta open myself more, chat more and really really make friends, exchanging thots, gossips, comments and everything else. As time goes by, things gotten better and I'm really grateful, grateful that this stint of 5 mths brought me new friends, 2 new gers that whom I enjoyed their companies and laughter. Grateful that I've learnt to open up and make new friends and I must con't to learn how to stop talking abt me, myself, and instead to remember to focus on other pple and make them the subject of the conversation instead. I've been badly pampered, and on hindsight, I guess these few months are what God have prepared for me so that I can learn all these skills, and more importantly to find back my old self..

不要忘记对创作的热忱。。

失意过后。。

左手曾经努力学好
右手还是捕捉不到
思绪拍子开始乱跑
荡漾在乐谱上的‘低’调
音色不再是美丽的破晓
隐退在无声无息的困扰
或是该好好学会
十指紧扣心旋的美好

from blog.omy.sg/moodles

点给他的几首歌。。

风吹落最后一片叶
我的心也飘着雪
爱只能往回忆里堆叠
oh~给下个季节
忽然间树梢冒花蕊
我怎么会都没有感觉
oh~整条街都是恋爱的人
我独自走在暖风的夜
多想要向过去告别
当季节不停更迭oh~
却还是少一点坚决
在这寂寞的季节
艳阳高照在那海边
爱情盛开的世界
远远看著热闹一切
oh~我记得那狂烈
窗外是快枯黄的叶
感伤在心中有一些oh~
我了解那些爱过的人
心是如何慢慢在凋谢
多想要向过去告别
当季节不停更迭oh~
却永远少一点坚决
在这寂寞的季节
又走过风吹的冷冽
最后一盏灯熄灭
从回忆我慢慢穿越
在这寂寞的季节
还是寂寞的季节
一样寂寞的季节


作词：娃娃作曲：陶喆
演唱：陶喆

---------------
反映出我现在的心情。。真的好寂寞。。 身边连一个好朋友都没有。我想，我的人
真的好烂。。 no one seems to enjoy my company, no one is asking me out anymore.
. it's so sad.. what went wrong?
Anyway, life is for us to look forward.. so must do so.. i've gave myself
7 mths to slack, and have reached the end of this road le.. so now, either
move on to be an FA, which I want in terms of certain job scopes, else,
is to find a perm job, so that next time this year, it's me who's getting
4 mths bonus with pay increment..
=======================

Around this time last week.. rec an sms from Mr Sim, asking me if i'm interested
in going to 力宏's concert on the following day.. I wasn't expecting him
to msg me, so only checked my phone half an hour later or so.. anniway,
my reply was Wan Wan! Thanks! =).. that was around 10 pm plus.. but he didn't
reply me back.. i waited till 12 plus, and gave up, i couldn't possibly
bhbly call him up and confirm with him right..
Well, anyway, his reply came at 10 plus on the following day, asking me
to call him at 2 plus at noon to confirm meeting time and place.. I decided
to wait till 230 to call him, but he msg me at 2 pm, asking to me/et at
stadium cove, and asked me if i'm driving.. Well, in order to force him
to send me home, i told him that my brother took the car out, and i've gotta
take the bus there.. and even asked him if he wana come fetch me.. but he
diplomatically refuse to fetch me.. =(
So instead of being able to see him on Tesday for the Church musical, i
got to meet him on Sunday too.. Had Mos, and it's to Stadium Cove to Q..

Around last year this time, both of us were also at Indoor Stadium to watch
林忆莲's concert.. and now, we're back there to see 力宏。。回想起来，也
不清楚去年我对他的feelings. I guess, i wouldn't mind him if he likes me
that time, cos he's attractive in term of my criteria, but I balently kept
my distance, cos I still prefer him as a friend, and at that time, my dream
of going to US to find Jon was still burning passionately.. 但是风水轮流
转，一年后的我，在无理头的情况下却为他着迷了。。 and have lost my initial
passion towards Jon.. which also, as a result, caused me to lose my direction
in life, cos i no longer have a dream that I wana achieve.. 哈哈原来罪魁
祸首是沈先生。。
the concert was not bad, but most importantly, i spent the evening with
him under the stars, listening to romantic ballads by 力宏。。 but alas..
nothing.. nothing works out.. so I must keep in mind.. this guy doesn't
likes me.. no.. not at all.. must bear in mind!! 牢记在心!


============

爱你,
不是因为你的美和影
我越来越爱你,
每个眼神触动我的心
因为你让我看见forever
才了解自己,
未来这些日子
要好好珍惜

爱我
有些痛苦有些不公平
如果真的爱我
不是理所当然的决定
感到你的呼吸在我耳边
像微风深情
温柔的安抚,
我的不安定
所以我要
每年研究你的笑容
wo~~
多么自然

forever love forever love
我只想用我这一辈子去爱你
从今以后,
你会是所有
幸福的理由

爱情,
是场最美最远的旅行
沿途遇经泥泞
偶尔阻碍我们的前进
感到你的体温在我怀里
像阳光和煦
巧妙的熔化
我的不安定
不可思议
证明我爱你的理由
wo
多么自然
你感动的眼睛,
我沉默的声音,
仿佛就是最好的证明
就让我再说一次
ilove you ~~
直到永远
oh
forever love
forever love
forever love

Hyperventilating with happiness..

Xiang MR Sim xiang de kuai feng le... hiaz..stopping appearing in my mind pls..

Bus rider..

Bringing a smile on my face
Letting the world seems in place
While I rhyme my sorrows, pen my fate
Her little gesture, this girl's gaze
Steal my attention, change my pace.

Well I guess, wandering her mind, itching to spout her doubts,
What's this auntie writing? Oh, How I wish I know!

Her little peek, abit abash,
Pretending aloofish, but oh, she can't act!
My composure wavered, scribbling with vengeance,
Jotting her performance, Oscar undeserved.

She threw all pretences, curiosity triumphed,
She plants her stare on my face and asked…
"Auntie, why is your handwriting so horrible?"

If he doesn't calls back when he says he will..

he's simply not interested in you, and is definately hinting it strongly to me lor..
called him n asked if he wana go to a christian musical with me. Asked me why asked him to go, told him that he's the most on christian person I know, and I must go for this musical, cos it's a big shot secretary who passed the tics to me. so explained to him and after chatting for a few mins on the phone, he suddenly cut me off and said that he'll call me back.. have been waiting for his return call for 4 hrs le.. obviously he's letting me know that he's not interested in me via this oldest trick in the book.. which is perfectly what a gemini will do.. cos i'll use this trick myself.. it's just short of him giving me a forever friend bear le lor..

不喜欢他了

no point liking someone who doesn't likes u.. just have to try my best to look prettier so that one day, I can find my twin...

For Mr Sim

shit.. think really like u alot.. one wk since last saw you, and here I am, thinking abt you.. 惨了惨了.. kept reminding myself that you don't like me abit, cos if you do, you would have acc me to watch 张学友的concert了。so.. I must keep telling myself, keep reminding myself that you only like the best, and i'm far from it..
suddenly thot of all those 星座分析，双子座的女孩are most attracted to brainy and smart people who can tell them about the world and beyond, people whom they admire for being smarter than them. And since ytd, had this thot that you will be the first person i'll ask out for me to practise my financial advisor skills shall I embark on that path..
Not cos you're the richest person I know, but cos I know you'll be able to provide me with a lot of positive critiscm and feedback, and will do so in a most honest way and that it's highlited to me for my own good. Just like how I will tell people I care for on things I believe will make them look better if they make certain changes. And suddenly, realised that you're one of the few pple whom I feel and acknowledge is much more knowledgable than me, whose opinion I respect and admire..

http://club.cn.yahoo.com/bbs/threadview/300001987_44768__pn13.html

　　双子座的女子——特色：灵活的眼神
　　
　　有双子座女子在的地方绝对是热闹有趣的，因为双子座女人永远不知道什么叫寂寞！她总是有办法带动团体的气氛，也很享受被众人围绕的快乐。你的机智、灵敏、才华洋溢，很容易吸引男人的注目；而双子座的难以捉摸，兴起时的手舞足蹈，更让男人深深着迷，激发他们的挑战欲望。但对追求安定的男人而言，偶尔让他感受到你的深情是必要的，谁叫你让他这么没安全感呢？

6月15日

怡人的魅力者


6月15日出生的人总是靠他们的魅力行遍四方，得到他们想要的，这天出生的人最大的天赋便是出色的公关能力。同时，他们迷人的工作表现相当需要被欣赏、喝采，这也就是说，他们是那种喜欢活力四射，尽情展现个人魅力，而不是感情内敛的类型 --> 超准lor。

此外，他们有一套特别的本领，可以说服别人转而支持自己的观点，然后达到目的。这天出生的人当中，只有发展的最差的才会暗地里斤斤计较、另打算盘，这类型的人通常十分看中金钱。--> 再不改变就快沦落到这个地步了。。

普遍来说，这天出生的人非常在乎自己是否能成为大家注目的焦点。-->是真的。 他们如果不是长得天生丽质，便会以知性之美掳获人心，要是这招无法奏效的话，他们就会更努力地运用机智、谈吐或对人性的了解去引起别人的兴趣。这天出生的人总是有办法，七妙地以上述的各种魅力，让异性依赖他们，觉得少不了他们--> 沈先生看都不看我多一眼，how to depend on me?? 不过，这一切都是公开于台面上的，绝不是像听起来是工于心计、耍阴谋的，而且事实上，置身中的的乐于这一场游戏。

他们不但能够洞悉人性，知道人们的动机、梦想、期望以及基本的要求，而且，最重要的是他们非常懂得妥善运用这项能力。如果他们宣扬某种信念，必然会吸引群众参与；若是在某家公司任职，便能有效地让大家注意到该项商品或服务的特色，对他们来说，公关跟广告的能力似乎是与生俱来。换句话说，任何有关“诱饵钓鱼”的行业，都很适合他们。此外，他们擅长引导小孩，也了解年轻人的想法。基本上他们会是好爸爸、好妈妈，只是要特别注意，别宠坏了孩子。

关于做生意筹措资金，他们会是最佳的合作伙伴；至于掌握流行市场，吸引顾客消费，人世间也会是最出色的人选。随着岁月的增长，他们更了解行事该如何拿捏分寸，懂得应对进退的技巧。而且，他们不会沉迷于不道德的目标，因为对他们来说，追求过程中的趣味远胜于目标本身。

这天出生失大多风采迷人，让周遭的人感到愉快 that's my aim!；但他们的真实面貌究竟如何，巩怕连他们自己都无法猜透。他们之中发展得较好的人，不会自我设限在外表的魅力上，而会保持心胸开阔，多接触一些更高层面的意识形态或想法。

幸运数字和守护星
6月15日出生的人，受到数字6（1+5=6）以及金星的影响。受数字6影响的人很有吸引力，有时甚至会被当成偶像一样崇拜，就如同前面所述，6月15日出生的人的却具有这样的特质。又因为双子座的主宰行星是水星，所以这天出生的人既有金星特质重感官经验，又有水星特色聪敏。

健康
6月15日出生的人，绝对懂得维持身体魅力的重要性，但是受到金星的影响，可能使得他们追求享乐、懒惰、自我放纵，导致体重增加甚至变得过度肥胖。他们应该努力维持规律的运动，像散步、慢跑、有氧舞蹈等等，以保持好身材。在这天出生的人大部分都必须非常注意饮食，因为他们很爱吃，也不管食物健康与否，只要有得吃就吃。幸好，不同于大多数的双子座，他们没有心理健康与神经系统方面的毛病。

建议
培养自己的世界观，并在这样的基础上建立稳固的系统不要过度看中他人的反应。学习独处，并享受一个人的乐趣。增加自信心。


优点
有魅力、注重感官、聪明伶俐。

缺点
操纵性强、太过外向。

1月3日

全心投入

1月3日出生的人天生具有说服力，但是也很固执。因此，与他们合作的人，若想中途退出，可能会觉得困难重重，甚至根本无法脱身。这种人不但会带给别人压力，甚至还懂得如何“诱导”别人鞠躬尽瘁。诀窍在于他们能洞悉别人要的是什么，而尽可能地采取秘密手段，包括暗中施予压力、以幽默的方式诱拐进行，或甚至直接进行引诱。尽管如此，在工作上，很会有人控诉他们为私利而利用别人，因为这些人对组织或理想的忠心耿耿是不容指责的。
这天出生的人并不介意站在“火线”上；甚至一旦面对挑战，还会变得更积极主动。不过，在一般状况下，还会尽量避免发性冲突，保持礼貌和教养。而这种老练，正是他们吸引人的地方，有知识、有深度，也对平常事物了若指掌。他们很健谈，热爱生命中所有美好事物，展现出脚踏实地的强烈特质。在行事上，他们会给别人选择的机会，别人可以决定到底要好好地完成工作，或是心不甘情不愿地工作，但是不管怎么样，他们认为，该做的事就是得做完。

由于具有强烈的说服力及意志力，他们有时会显得过于傲慢；甚至在某些状况下，他们还会变得很难应付。与他们共事相处时，经常会因为他们的这种个性而产生挫折感，使得双方的关系失去平衡，甚至忿恨不已。不过，通常到最后都是另一方投降。因为他们非常自制，所以在面对大部分冲突时，都能坚持到最后，得到胜利。他们惯用的伎俩就是在表面上显现出放弃的态度，却暗中布棋，等待时机成熟时东山再起。在现实生活中，他们从不放弃自己非常在意的事。

出生在这天的人必须注意，自己在为团体努力时，是否放弃太多的个人？因此在选择职业时，应选择不会压抑自我人格特质的工作，同时在自由与责任间达到平衡。他们不应该放弃精神上的追求，更不应该为了工作而牺牲自己。

幸运数字和守护星
1月3日出生的人都受到数字3和木星的影响。受数字3主宰的人，通常拥有在专业领域里出人头地的倾向，不过当他们坐上高位时，可能会变得很独裁。由于土星是魔羯座的主宰行星，所以这天出生的人通常会知道自己的限制在哪里，比较不会因为木星的影响而有不切实际的乐观态度。虽然木星和土星的相互作用会产生野心，但也能为这天出生的人带来工作认真、值得信赖等特质。数字3则使人重视独立自主，可以发展出很好的事业；但不幸的是，他们也可能会因为对所属的机关太过忠心，而埋没在工作中。

健康
1月3日出生的人会很注意定期的牙齿检查和身体检查。然而，他们却也经常为了工作而准备牺牲自己的健康和利益。因此，他们必须从年轻时慢慢培养出良好的饮食习惯、个人卫生和固定的睡眠。激烈的运动，包含竞争性的团体活动或个人运动，都对他们有帮助。尤其应该注意皮肤的疾病和各种敏感性疾病。

建议
不必总是要站在赢的一方，毫无弱点并不会让你受欢迎。别期望每一个人都像你一样投入，认清和尊敬每个人的差异。

优点
表达力强、具说服力、机智。

缺点
霸道、健忘。

Jon...

11月7日

探险者

11月7日出生的人通常乐于接受全新的冒险，不过他们并非只是为了寻求刺激而已，而是想去探索、研究、最后并发掘真相，这才是他们生活动力的主要来源。所以不管他们是投入个人小范围的探索或是大规格的调查，者会集中全副精神，绝不妥协退缩。

11月7日出生的人对周遭的每件事总是怀有强烈的好奇心，尤其热中于学习工艺或在职进修。他们喜欢将东西分解后再重组回来，以了解它的内部结构和作用，有时候他们甚至不必经过指导或阅读相关书籍也能办到。就这点来看，他们可说是活到老学到老、奋力不懈地改善直至最后达到完美境地的类型。即使11月7日出生的人愿意接受一再的尝试与失败，他们的标准其实还是非常地高，也很少会主动肯定任何尝试（无论是自己的工作或别人的），除非它已经百分之百完全做好了。正因如此，他们可能地是相当严苛的上司。

不过从另一个角度看，这一天出生的人确实喜好找乐子，也的确风趣十足、讨人欢心。但不幸的是，他们只对少数人付出真情，所以有进修可能会误导别人，不管那是故意的或出版于无心。而任何将他们的友善亲切误以为是挑逗的人可就有苦受了。因此，这一天出生的女性往往会在自己的周围画定一条无法轻易逾越的警界线。唉，令人心碎的人儿，遇上他们将是一件冒险的事。相同地，11月7日出生的人总是能表现得冷酷无情，当他们面临权力游戏中的挑战威吓时，也能斩断一切七情六欲，变得完全无悲悯之心。虽然如此，对于那些坦白不讳地向他们建言的人，他们倒是几乎很少拒绝，而且可能还会相当温和有礼。

11月7日出生的人生来即是热爱挑战的冒险家。所以，一旦他们陷入某个规律的工作、一成不变的家庭生活或是再三重复的社交例行公事时，难免会感觉苦恼沮丧。他们大部分的问题可说是源自于一种厌烦的感觉，通常需要经过一番挣扎。因此，今天出生的人应该设法替自己订定一些体目标，以增进心理与精神上的成长，并且学习自我训练来抗拒外界的干扰。再者，在他们早年的时候因为向外发展而经常忽略掉的自身探索。可能会发生的问题是，11月7日出生的人很容易随着年纪的增长而变得懒惰及满足现状。就这点来看，最大的危险即在于他们的自信及满足现状。就这点来看，最大的危险即在于他们的自信或许会开始降低，对自己或自己的能力也产生负面的想法。然后可能在不知不觉中便成为自己最糟糕的敌人。对于所有的来说，保持高昂的精神并积极地看待世界与自己的定位，将是十分重要的一件事。

幸运数字和守护星
11月7日出生的人会受到数字7和海王星的影响。海王星代表着幻想、梦想与心灵现象，所以，11月7日出生的人往往较容易被这些不稳定、无常的影响力所左右。而海王星及冥王星（天蝎座的主宰行星）的组合，正显示出11月7日出生的人的人有必要将他们从小所接收到的宗教和家庭价值观加以去芜存菁，并且重新创造一套属于他们自己的人生哲学。不过，他们得小心别因为盲目地追随自己的梦想而脱离现实，同时应该避开任何暧昧不明的心灵研究与超自然的活动。此外，受数字7影响的人可说是热爱变化及旅游的典型，这项特征刚好也符合了11月7日出生的人渴望冒险与探索的个性。

健康
一般来说，11月7日出生的人最需要小心的是一切有关消化、排泄及生殖器官方面的慢性疾病。这一天出生的女性应该严格监控任何避孕方法或药物所可能引起的副作用。同样地，今天出生的男性也必须对尿道和前列腺等慢性病提高警觉。11月7日出生的人相当热爱美食佳肴，而且其中不乏技艺高超的大厨与品酒专家。他们旺盛的求知欲促使他们不断地去发掘新的烹饪技巧，但他们应该注意自己的体重，并且避免染上酒瘾，尤其是年纪越来越大的时候。此外，由于大多数11月7日出生的人热中性事及运动，所以通常不需要再特别进行散步或骑自行车等运动。

建议
对自己持较乐观的态度。别任由自己过着单调乏味的生活。不妨设定个人的目标并积极着手进行，同时避免情感受创，尽量控制住性冲动。

优点
好奇心旺盛、喜欢冒险、技术高超。

缺点
浮躁不安、难以取悦、伤害力强。

一个美丽的星期五

Really wana jot down this memory. for every reason. little after shocks of happiness still tingling down my spine, bursting into mysterious smile every now and then still..
Haha. well, must remind myself not to 得意忘形，not to 想太多，and definately not to 不知脸耻to 以为 that the feeling is recipocrated. Cos he'll never like me one. He had subtlely hinted numerous times that he doesn't like me. To him, i'm nothing more than an accquiatance, and he's nice to all pple, including me, is just his character. In fact, if he likes a person, he'll say all sorts of unnice thing abt the person so that everyone will think that he doesn't likes her. Somemore, he's the daring type, he'll really date the person out, send flowers over etc to chase the girl if he likes her. This guy even doesn't bother replying my msg.. .. how would it be possible for him to have like me even? His choice of girls are always the prime breeds. The extremely beautiful, graceful, rich and attractive women.
our families status are world apart too. this guy lives in a mio+ landed property. his personal income and mthly family income most likely exceeds my half yr's one.
his family is close knitted and somewhat snobbish, including himself. How could he possibly accept my dysfuntional extended family? Haha.. it'll be like 道明寺 meets 杉菜's family.. 想了都恶心。。
but 无论如何，i'm grateful, grateful and contended that he asked us out for ktv.. happy that i had him all by myself for that close to half hour, where we were seated so intimately while waiting for the table. Grateful that he helped me to get the pasta onto my plate.. and very grateful that he helped me before DQ.. Grateful that he agreed to sing 许愿 with me, where we moved in sync with each other to the rhythmn. Grateful that cos of my little request to want to be seated more comfortably, he traded his seat and ended up seated next to me, such that we started those childish whispering gossip with each other, such that we started passing the mic to each other so that I could linger my fingers on his hands longer than neccessary. Grateful that he sang 木讷 after my numerous requests，the song that I love to hear him sing. Grateful that he asked me to sing 这么办， so that I can start fantasising that he has hidden meanings in asking me to sing it, even thou i know that he plainly wana see Hebe only. Grateful that he asked me if I've brought water along, letting me know that he still remembered that I need alot of water when I go K, haha.. I guess it's not hard to forget it when he lugged 2 evians for me that previous time. Grateful that 大人 imm followed with a TV, 你去换这个发形when I said I like that MTV guy's hair, so that I've got a chance to 胡乱想像 and touch his hair。Grateful that he called my name and told me that we'll be going there tog with the rest. Grateful that I decided to wear high heels, so that I can see him just rightly when I tilt my head up. Grateful that he said 你讲的这么甜，他不说ok 才怪，when I called party world to postpone the reservation by an hour. Grateful that he asked me what other songs do I wana sing, and I look at him and said that I'm already very satisfied and contended today. I followed up by saying that it's cos i've not been to K for a very long time, and i'm glad to come today. Actually, it's not that.. the reason why I'm satisfied and contended is not cos i'm singing, it's simply cos he was seated by my side, and that's all I need.
before friday, I kept doubting this recent surge of feeling towards him, doubting that all I wana is company and he's the most convinent person around. After friday, i'm sure that I do not want any 专属我的手，而只是要你牵我的手。
I am very sure that he does not like me, but at least, I'll try my very best, to become a lady that he may take a look at, so that one day, I'll be able to have the courage to 向你表白。。

至沈先生。。

不知道是否喜欢你
就像不懂先有蛋还是鸡
这个耐人寻味的问题
烦的我歇斯底里

不知道是否喜欢你
但你的脸常浮现在我脑海里
有时想对你说声我爱你
却觉得词不达意

不知道是否喜欢你
却爱幻想天天都能看到你
莫非这段日久生了情
还是只想找人爱而已

也许我只想找双专属我的手
能够玄耀也有人要我
跟着潮流交个男朋友
闭上眼睛追逐爱情的形容


==================
always used to thot that I'll love Jon till the end of my life. Used to thot that I'm self sufficient, loner, independent enoff to not want anyone to come into my life.. But maybe, as one ages, one starts to yearn for companionship. Sometimes, friends are not enoff to fill the void.. Over the past few years, always liked Mr Sim for his humour and niceness. and maybe i'm feeling exceptionally lonely gradually, i'm starting to imagine, to slowly shift and change this liking feel to a loving feel. Fortunately or unfortunately, this feeling is not recipocrated. Mr Sim has, on various and numerous occassion, subtlely and strongly hinted that I am just a plain accquataince. Similarly, 我还在探索，思考，我到底是真的对他日久生情，还是只想要找个专属我的手呢? 而他刚好是最好拿来玄耀的那位呢? I really dunno.. but at least.. 觉得给了自己一个交代after completing these lyrics.

好想你们wor...

从前对着收音机学唱旧的歌 我问妈妈为什么伤心像快乐
妈妈笑着说她也不懂得 我想出去走一走哦 妈妈点点头
天冷你就回来别在风中徘徊 哦妈妈眼里有明白 还有一丝无奈
天冷我想回家 童年已经不在 昨天的雨点撒下来 那滋味叫作爱
呜~别在风中徘徊呜 ~天冷就回来

渐渐对着收音机学唱新的歌 我问朋友为什么做梦也快乐
朋友笑说他从不相信梦 我想出去走一走哦朋友点点头
天冷你就回来别在风中徘徊 朋友的眼里有明白 还有一份期待
天冷我想回家年少已经不在 今天的雨点撒下来 那滋味就是爱

现在对着收音机听自己唱的歌 我的他问为什么幸福不快乐
我微笑着说我也不懂得 他想出去走一走我对他点点头
天冷你就回来别在风中徘徊 我猜我眼里有明白还有一丝无奈
天冷他没回家我仍然在等待 明天的雨点撒下来 那滋味就是爱
呜~别在风中徘徊呜~天冷就回来

Within this span of 2 months, 你们两人都离开了熟悉的环境，家人(of cos 没有不熟悉的家人) 与朋友，各自为了将来，为了不要留白而出了这趟远门。 Seriously, 真的很不舍得你们。But 当然要明白天下无不散的宴席。Especially since 明年的这个时候，我们也已经团圆了。在这里的我，真的好害怕，因为已经没什么人好陪我了。But I believe everything is planned, and that we’ll just have to do our best and things will work out fine. So I’ll 好好的在新加坡赚钱，找方向，以及尽我能力来让你们不需担心在这里的任何人。我也一定会try my best to visit ur parents and dun make a mess out of it this time round.. 我真的认为，我们的友谊以迈向亲人一般的亲了，因为在我的眼里，除了期待，还有无奈，担心与想念。
所以，在外时，希望你们能够记得这首歌，若遇到任何让你感到不开心的人或事，若有任何人要belittle you, just remember there’s someone here who will fly over as soon as you need someone there okie? Life is tough outside, but really, on hindsight, they will become a triumph, happy memories when we're really old.. so whatever happens now is now, as long as we dun let it affects our future, it will never be a bad thing, but an opportunity, an experience to help us grow okie?

在 Australia 那位。。千万不要因为赌气 (和最近，迁就别人erm..或鸟类)而亏待自己。 and must remember to self control…
在台湾那位，记得要好好照顾自己，有时也应该将自己的利益摆在前面，千万别做个好人到亏待自己。haha.. and of cos must remember to lose control and 少些矜持。。最好是带个男人回来，then 你家就有中，港，台的亲家了。。哈哈
最重要的当然是凡是都要小心! 晚上走路 be alert，过马路要看路，也要记得将手升起来，drivers 才会看到你。。。 I miss u both.. Muacks!!

Thirteen years later..

i've fell.. became focused, rise up, slackened, lost myself, became happie and gained confidance, gotten greedy, fell badly and lost myself again.. thirteen years.. back to sq 1.. except that 13 years were lost.. i must find myself back.. but sth bad is obstructing me.. wish i can get it out from my head..
12 years, 360 days earlier today, a little ger had 2 bad dreams. one came true, and still waiting for the other one.. 3.30 pm.. san mian xia wa.. mum went for a haircut..

林忆莲... It wasn't meant to be.

或许是我们缺少勇气
不敢踏出彼此的安全区
或许是思念情绪美得让人质疑
多可惜我们还是免不了得放弃

It wasn't meant to be
事到如今我只能安慰自己
It wasn't meant to be
事到如今只能说我们无能为力
可是你我心底 清楚明白这份爱若坚持走下去
我们会在一起

遗憾我变得小心翼翼
关于你的话题尽量回避
但难免有人好奇关心起我和你
怕唤起记忆一概回应心想好的一句

It wasn't meant to be
事到如今我只能安慰自己
it wasn't meant to be
事到如今只能说我们无能为力
可是你我心底 清楚明白这份爱当初若坚持走下去
我们会在一起

与你分离说好那天不下雨 我心都快碎了怎么忍住哭泣
It wasn't meant to be事到如今我只能安慰自己
It wasn't meant to be事到如今只能说我们无能为力
可是你我心底 清楚明白这份爱当初若坚持走下去我们会在一起
It wasn't meant to be..

===================
现在的我很喜欢这首歌。觉得他的歌词写的很棒。 而Sandy更是将这首歌的感觉表达出来。很喜欢在路上的时候听这歌， 而听着听着，总会流眼泪。有时是真的被歌曲的意境感动了，而有时， 由其是在前几个星期, 会故意很投入的想象自己曾经有过这样轰轰烈烈的爱情故事，来企图为自己感到可悲， 自讨同情。
这几天想通了。人，都要往前看。 退一步，才能够看到 the big picture, 让自己明白路要往那走。 希望接下来能再爬上那个令我跌的很重的山。。

alone in sg... but i guess u're lonelier in bris

When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you

When you're gone the face i came to know is missing too

When you're gone the words i need to hear will always get me through the day and make it ok

I miss you

打工记之第一天

不明白为什么公司都喜欢要人在第一天上班时都product manual! 真不了解，一整天坐在同一个位子， 翻来翻去也就是那几页的product manual， 对一个人有什么用呢!
或许我是一doer 吧， 我爱做事， 不爱读theory而已。 因此要我像块石头坐在这里简直是快要把我逼疯了。 好希望明天不会发生同样的事。。。

Ah Bull.. Chiong ah...

For memory sake.. in case plunge comes in.. bull.. chiong ah!!

祝你我生日快乐...

时间过得好快， 从第一个post 到今天这个以有一年了。 还记得当时开这个部络格是为了留住去年美的回忆。时间不扰人， time and tide waits for no man. 希望在接下来的未来，能够找到自己的方向， 而不是在明年的今天， 又写下另一个entry来感慨失去的时光。 人，没几个25年。 第一个已经过去了，若有这个命活到下一个25 年，希望那时的我，就是有如我现在所幻想的吧。更渴求，盼望的是，在那25 年内，不会失去至亲的人，不会经历任何掉泪的事，而是能够live within conformity 吧。 因为，到那时，我大概已经give up 了吧。

guess i'm realli not suitable for blogging

actually, many a times, there are so so so many events that I can write about, but someone, am just too lazy to pen out my thots.

Time passes really really fast. suddenly, i'm already 25, looking left n right, but just can't the path that I should take.

Really wish for time to reverse back to the past, lookin at it, realised I wasted alot of time. I guess, mebbe, that's what life is all about. Unless one is that smart to understand what life is about one one was young.. but then again, wun life change as time passes?

so many events r lying in front of me.. gotta get past them one by one.. at least, by finally making the decision to leave, i'm already making one step forward. at least, it ties up one of the loose strings.

it's early april now. soon, it'll be early may, n i can gladly hand in my resignation letter. meanwhile, during this period, to try n look for a job, where i can see myself doing for mani mani yrs, which helps me to build up my career.

Otherwise, if i can't find any by then, maybe, i'll rest in june, to sorta my affairs, to rest, to find my directions. mebbe, not too sure if i'm hoping for it or not too, to go US with mum, n for her to come back with bro, while i'll try n fulfil a dream in US. I wonder.

This is the first time ever see her smiling in here.. i hope, that i'll also get to hear that sentence on my last day. To be so happie, looking forward nvr to step in this hellhole again.

一千个世纪

歌曲名：一千个世纪
歌手：五月天
专辑：为爱而生
LRC by：沉醉寒风
五月天 - 一千个世纪
曲:石头 词:阿信制作
www.1Ting.com☆ 沉醉寒风 制
当时地球还年轻
我们诞生荒凉大海里
演化到了寒武纪
我们长出脊椎和勇气
某天我们开始踩出脚印
学会双手拥抱学会爱情
长出人类的心
啊啊 我要和你一起走过一千个世纪
每次诞生我都要与你相遇
每次轮回都为你
当时你我都野性
我们学会用火和穴居
後来帝国正崛起
我们战乱之中更相依
某天我们突然回忆过去
我们只是两段平凡基因
却爱的很美丽
啊啊我要和你一起走过一千个世纪
每次诞生 我都要与你相遇
每次轮回都是为你
啊啊我要和你一起活过一千个世纪
每次诞生都只有一个意义
就是和你在一起
啊啊我要和你一起走过一千个世纪
下一个我也许是人或蚂蚁
每次轮回都是为你
啊啊我要和你一起活过一千个世纪
每次诞生都只有一个意义
就是和你在一起
在一起
在一起
在一起
直到文明又毁灭
一千世纪後的第一天
伊甸园里肩并肩
我们笑看太阳也熄灭
一千个世纪歌词

Must remember.. this year is a good year for dog...

Make use of other's asset to conceal ur weak points

My fortune cookie also knows that i'm a weak slob...

disappointment galore

i went burstingly, overwhealmingly with confidence.. n to my surprise.. i couldn't even make it past round 1! y? y? y?
M i realli that bad?
they seems so nice, n i'm realli realli sincerce in joining them.. was there annipoint that i failed? all i can remember is that i missed the teamwork Q.. n made my mun made a wasted trip..
i'm so disappoointed with myself
what did i do wrong?

When the going get tuff..

it's been a long time since i last wrote here..
happier? mebbe.. but rite now, my emo is just like the weather outside.. heavy rain..
realli sianz.. does the problem lies with mi? or izzit that they're realli hard to get along? y issit that i can't be close to my family members?
y issit that i'm always the one to be scold? to make sacrifices? to be the one giving
to be the one always in the wrong?
I had thot, for this yr resolution, to forge closer ties with my sis n bro..
sadly.. it seems to be going the opposite direction instead.
shi wo chou ma?
cos i'm hankering after her $?
but i feel that it's myself who's helping u to earn the $. i feel it's a waste to put the $ there w/o earning annithing. i help u invest, n onli get 10%.. izzit my fault?
u go overseas, u ask mi what i want.. so i said what i want lah
it's not as if die die wana u to buy it for mi..
all i wanted to was to make conversation.
all i wanted is just some fun conversation. n i got scolded again. i'm not obliged to buy annithing for u.. of cos u're not obliged. do u have to retort so fiercely?
izzit because that i was too ncie last year? izzit that i must revert back to my fierce self so that u'll be scare of me that you will dun dare to scold mi? izzit that no quarrel or hurting words will arise if we stop talking to each other?
and than, after that, everything will become my fault again. cos i refused to speak, refused to reply, ignore her existence completely. i'm tired. everytime i open my shell, i got hurt. n i'm scolded for not opening my shell. for being proud. for being arrogent. izzit my fault that i'm not a bad tempered person? izzit my fault for not scolding u as n when i'm please? izzit my fault that i just keep quiet whenever i see u doing something that i dun like?
i can't even ask u to be verbally nicer to me. cos u dun care. so mani times that i've asked you to not scold me. so mani times that i've shamelessly ask u to apologise to me for hurting me. it always end with a I don't care. why are you still thinking abt something that happened so long ago? why r u so petty?
y? you ask mi? cos i'm always the one being hurt. cos i'm always the party who's being verbally abused, not you. will you still remember when you scold someone? no rite. But will you remember when someone scold you? of cos. n i'm the one who'e always being scold by you. I'm realli realli veri tired.
undeniably, i know u r a good sister. u take veri good care of us, and is good to us. that's y i hate it more. does it means that cos of the sacrifices u had done for us, means that i need to bear with your verbal assult and ever changing and bad temper for the rest of my life? if so, just take my life. how i wish i can save up a sum of $ n throw it back at you and cut you OFF, COMPLETELY AWAY from my life.
do u know how tired i am? i can't speak the truth in front of u, i can't be honest. i must and can only say how good u look, make suggestion of what to do. If i dare to say annithing teeny enny -ve thing abt u. i get a scolding. if u can't say anithing good, might as well dun say. i'm just tired. if we can't be honest in what we're saying, y bother saying annithing?
u're my sister, in no way would i want to jib at annithing inperfect abt u. of cos i like to compete with u. in terms of annithing. but whatever i've said, highlight abt ur inperfectness, were either made in jest, like teasing; otherwise, in a +ve tone, always meant to highlight the issue to u so that improvements can be made. but y, y issit that i'm always scold just cos i'm honest?
i've already learnt, learn not to dwell on those stuffs already. learnt to keep quite even when i see sth bad abt u. rather u to let u live in ur -ve things than bring them up. learnt how to speak selectively, onli talking abt the good things i can see.
yet, just one simple sentence, and i'm scold again.
i'm tired of being scolded again. tired of this, tired of that. tired of life. frankly speaking, to be perfectly honest, if there's ever a next life, i'll pray with all my might that our path will never cross again.

I rec Jon's Album from Jill today!!!!

Jon, finally managed to get my hands on ur first album.. i was so so so excited when i saw it! annione who stumbled onto my blog must get it!! it's made with sincerity, honesty and of cos, jon's heart n passion for good music. http://jplewismusic.com/main/main_merch_music.htm or from http://www.amazon.com/Stories-Hollywood-Jon-Peter-Lewis/dp/B000JUB39I/ref=pd_rhf_p_2/002-3396873-1413614.

Besides using you for my admin purposes.. guess i must learn how to blog down what i wana say too.
a year has passed again. i always hate the yr of dog.. nothing good ever came out of it. 24 yrs ago.. i was born, 12 yrs ago, my dad was taken away, this yr, i made a humoungous mistake by changing mr job. i think i must be stupid. i thot by changing.. i will learn more, n become more motivated to work, learn more things n value add myself. i really thot so.. but nvr did i realise i end up doing something i dislike w/o getting any incentives. at least in the past, i enjoy what i was doing, abide having a low work status, the incentive was more than enough to cover what i like.. i realli regret what i chose.. at least i enjoyed good pay + shift allowances.. n the weekday off to bring mummy out.. now.. i dun have anni.. stupid mi. i hate it hate it hate it..

what i normally say.. anything that had happen has happened.. if u do not like where u r now.. have to look for solutions.. either by going back to status quo.. or to change it..
so looking into ways to change it.. but dunno how long i'll procrastinate.. hatemyself..

http://www5.messengerfx.com/

speedwing@gasi.com.sg
attn to jason

http://www.efinancialcareers.sg/

//tripoli.e-messenger.net

I've cried again.. despite today's being Jon's Birthday.
I hate this place. I hate this job. I hate what I'm doing. I hate myself for making this move. I hate David Toh and Rozlee for making me leave. I hate Tony Lim and Jessie Tan for lying to me. I hate Jessie Tan for not allowing me to go for the dealer position and encouraged me to try for the shit CED position. I hate myself for not being strong enough and succumbe to the idiotic thots of leaving, and thot that it was cool to let pple envy me for that damn few days. I hate myself for being so stupid. I hate myself. I want to screw this place as much as possible. I want to burn this whole place with fire. I hate it. I hate it. I hate this place. Dammit dammit dammit. I hope all of u die n vanish from the face of the world. i hate it. i hate it. damn u. go to hell.

http://mob.ebuddy.com

i need it.. hiaz..

things to do

buy stamps for jon's card n to write card
to write yl photos
key in mum $
send photos to rest to share on shutterfly
send sis insurance.

i dunno

作者：Sinn

Am i just feeling down, or what i'm thinking is true.
Will this friendship last?
or am i just too stress
life is darn short, so play darn hard, that's all the others say.
but i can't seem to understand it, from all the actions that i done.
i used to be one where nothing can bother mi, but all i care about now is moi own feelings.
have i grow selfish, or is it part of growing up?
can someone tell me, or have i to find out?



創作心情:
i dunno, all of a sudden, feel that i'm very lonel

一厢情愿

作者：Sinn

若不是因为我已爱上你,
我也不会为你上山下海底.
若不是因为我已付出情,
我早已经成为别人家的老婆婆.

我的生命是属于你的,
虽然我们已经活过半个世纪.
我依然还是爱这你,我因你欢,也因你悲,
就算是我一厢情愿.

我的梦想是与你,一生一世永不分离,
你不必爱回我,你只要开开心心,平平安安,
我就能开心到老

創作心情:'
dunno if i sent this in or not eventually, but it was to take part in Ah Niu xie ge competition for Hua De Yu.. he onli written the Hokkien version, n wanted someone to come out with the Chinese lyrics.. in the end, seems like no one won.. cos the chinese version wasn't recorded at all..

Xiang~

Maybe it was you, who took away my breath.
Maybe it was me, who took a peek at you.
Maybe it was fate, that i should fall for you.
But it is only love, that create this miracle.

how should i go on,if i can't love you?
why should i say byebye. just cos' u like someone else?

(rap)*i wrote this song for you, especially to let you know,
beneath somewhere out there, there's a someone call me.
I'm a girl of nineties, or maybe millenium, so i won't be brashful, in expressing my feelings for you.*shalalalalalalaa>

創作心情:
Product of JC crush.. written for yixiang

干净歌

作者：Sinn

1 是否曾经爱过我,
是否曾经疼我,
是否彼此都太沉默,
认感情都太过火,

2 是否真得爱我,
是否真得疼我，
是否哭泣后才懂,
我曾经爱错过,

3 爱过以后才懂,
懂过以后会痛，
痛你不曾爱过我,
痛我太用心.

repeat 1 and 2

是否哭后才懂,
我真的爱错了.....

創作心情:This is the first song i wrote n loves it the most.. somehow.. just started hmming this tune n lyrics just pop up by itself when i was having lesson one day in school.. n realised that this tune was in my mind thereafter.. n started hmming it on bus.. so decided to pen it down one day..

作者：Sinn
Time has pass, time has flies, time has gone.
Time had made both of us a big fool.
When you were here i don't cherish, and now i regret it.
All i ask for now (all i ask for now), is to hold you close.

And when i think of you, all my tears will start to flow. I
close my eyes, i breathe my air, but i can't stop the pain.
Will you come back please? Maybe after the end of time.
The world is full of miracles, but it can't bring you back to me..

創作心情:Try singing it with Jacky's Cheung Dang Wo Xiang Qi Ni.. sang it to Benny who was so impressed that time.. haha

HIM

作者：Sinn

You are here, u never realised,
I've been through all these heartache.

Loving someone is as good as dead,
when that someone, don't love you back.

How could i forget the way, how he plants those kisses right on my face.
I had tried forgetting him, but it was in vain, right from the beginning.

I'm so sorry, i can't accept your love, cos he is, still inside my heart.
I'm so sorry, i don't deserve your love, cause my heart, is still by his side.
I've been through all these pain, so forget me please, it will all be in vain.

Dun let this cycle repeat again. Forget me please, i beg you once again.
Just let me be alone, n think of him..............him, and him alone........

Colours of Your Eyes

作者：Sinn

Blue is the color of the sea, is the colour of your eyes, occasionally.
Green, the color of grass, as I walk along a park, see the colors of your eyes again.
Grey, a mixture of white and black, mysterious and bright, which is who you are?
Blue is the color of the sky, when i hold my head up high, see the color of your eyes again. Kermit! it's not easy being green, yet your eyes turn green, effortlessly.
Grey, as sky starts to dusk, watching dimming seas grow dark, drowning myself inside your eyes...

作心情:
This song is written for Jon.. http://www.jplewismusic.com
he's the person who changed my life..

作者：Sinn

This is just a song, a song from me to you.
I am just a girl, a girl hurt by you.
My purpose of this song, this very very sad song,is to tell you how much I've been hurt by you.

If you don't love me, you shouldn't have chase me.
And now that you got me, you don't cherish me.
When the phone starts ringing, when you said that you'll acompany, I would burst with happiness, with love, with joy.

When the call wasn't from you, i told myself it's ok.
I was even willing to wait, a thing you always made me do.
But why did you break our date? An action which broke my heart.
From hope to disappointment and to tears.

I wanted to run away, but because of a promise.
A promise which I said that I will never leave you.
So pls don't worry, i'll never leave you, but a sad soul is all you get, from these things done by you

創作心情:wau laioz.. looking back at this song.. hiaz.. best.. that was so so mani years ago liao.. crazy..

FoR CerIna~

There's many type of friends, and you belongs to one
With you the friendship won't end, we'll be friends forever
Quarrel may come, but it never last
Disagreement may tore us apart sometime, but we'll be friends forever

缘份帮我们成为好友, 一定要好好珍惜他.
现在你是我最要好的朋友, 我希望未来还是.
偶尔会吵吵架,闹闹别扭,但我们一起克服他.
分享所有快乐和悲伤, 那就是我们要做的, 那就是我们要做的

創作心情:

Wrote this songs for my best friend when we're 18.. hopefully, may all the lyrics come true for the rest of our lives.. rocky rocks have came, n we're almost thrown overboard.. we really clinged on n try our best to push each other back into this boat. thou the boat maybe broken now, hope that our efforts in mending this boat will help to let it sustain us for whatever which lies ahead.

Dun

作者：Sinn
I want to walk out of this game.
It was just for fun
I want to get away
It's just a game.

Why do you follow me?
Oh God, if i know this ending, i won't start this game
No love is worth it, no love can tie me down

Don't do anything, don't bother please
Don't make me cry, cause i won't do it
Don't make me guilty, i have a heart made of steel
Don't do this to me, its not worth it

Just let me go please, i lost, i admit, just let me be free, don't follow me
Just let me be me, don't make me, lose my heart.
I want to get out, before i have a change of heart.

未取名

我要把这首歌献你, 用我的生命来呼唤醒你.
你在我心中,在我眼中,永远是快乐的悲痛.

你给我的欢,是世上最美丽的欢.
你给我的伤,却是所有的伤,加上万倍的伤.

就当我是笨女孩,就当我是傻小孩,
但我希望我的付出你能看见

就当我是傻女孩,就当我是笨小孩,
我只要你为我回头是岸.

創作心情:
wau laioz.. this song.. came out when andy's lau sang ben xiao hai..
that long ago laioz.. n reading my own writings now.. feel so paisey.. so childish.. but since i dun have my chinese writer, can't do annithing at all.. sianz sianz sianz...

Never

作者：Sinn
There was once a upon time,when i thought i would last somehow.
Never did i realise, had i realise, it had been gone so fast.

There was once another time, when i thought you'll last somehow.
Sitting by the seaside, with me in your arms, that is heavenly.

There was a time, used to be one, when i thought that we would last somehow.
Never did i , never had i realised it had been gone so fast.

There was a time, used to be one, when i thought that we would last somehow, never had a realise, it had all been gone so fast......

創作心情:

try singing it accordingly to Faye's Hong Dou... no not ah ya's hong dou..

没有我的天地

作者：Sinn

谢谢你给我的曾经, 让我拥有她没有的回忆
谢谢你那天的简迅, 让我知道我还在你的记忆
抱歉我无法再陪你, 无法再陪你渡过悲喜

从那天你选择与她一起, 已经踏上没有我的天地
当你们拥抱着离去，我偷偷在后面哭泣
领悟到我不是你心中的唯一, 我的心被撕得好碎

当日夜慢慢累积，当时间不眠不息
当你没收到我的迅息, 你发现了吗, 你在没有我的天地

創作心情:

I wrote this song around 5 years ago, penned down the actual feelings after what happen above happened. Sadly, 2 r/s went down the drain due to this incident, but similarly, that incident catalyised some bottled up feeling too. It left me scarred, weaker n cynical. N thou i came to @@ who stand by me, idiotic me still listen to my heart instead of head. Dammit..

My Lyrics..

十一年

小时的我
不知什么叫着幸福
不知什么叫着满足
不懂得珍惜身边事物。

顺时间过
以失去身边珍贵事物
以慢慢懂得怎样满足
以学会惜福的重要之处。

学习痛触
不见了最情的人才学会哭
就算十一年以落幕
想到了我还是会哭

暮然会首这十一年
我的成就在于那些?
感慨万触的这十一年里
曾经自己许下过什么誓言?

今天的我许了个愿
我要回到十一年前
珍惜回我有过一切
珍惜回我最情的人

因为是你带我到这个世界
给我一切
而我真得好爱你，很想你my dad。。

創作心情:

This song is written for my dad.. He passed away in 1994.. This is the eleventh year without him in the family. If I can turn back the clock to 1994, i'm willing to forsake everything that i've achieved now. Daddy, 这十一年真的真的很难过。 熬得好辛苦，才到了今天所拥有的一切。 暮然会首，感慨万触，，请自己照顾自己， 请在天空里，看这我们，保佑我们，看着阿妈，让她天天开心，无痛无病。